LORD OF THE THINGS
Part deux
THE TWO HOUSES!
Narrator: We continue this story at a very critical time. The fellowship had split and everything was very sad. As princess Lea and Luke Skywalker was running down the hallway in the spaceship, Han Solo and Chewbacca was running the other way and Obi-wan Kenobi had headed of to close down the tractor beam, and was sure he would be killed by Darth Vader.
Gimli: Excuse me, but would you mind sticking to the story???
Narrator: What a nerve! How dare you interrupt my genius at work!! You will pay for this. Now where was I? Oh yes. The fellowship had broken up, and now Aragorn and Legolas were running after the orcs that had kidnapped Merry and Pippin.
Gimli: Aren’t I supposed to be in this story?
Narrator: Not anymore. Anyway… They had gotten to the wide fields of the Riddermark and the orcs seemed to be miles ahead. Aragorn halted for a bit, and put his lovely head against the ground to listen if the orcs were near. They were not, and so Legolas and Aragorn ran on.
Aragorn: Isn’t there supposed to be a dwarf with us? I think I remember a dwarf running with us.
Legolas: He was, but he got in a fight with the narrator, so she wrote him out.
Aragorn: Serves him right. Nobody fights with the narrator. But we kind of need him… so I think I’ll talk to her. *whisper whisper whisper*
Narrator: *Whisper whisper* No!
Aragorn: Please.
Narrator: No!
Aragorn: Please.
Narrator: No!
Aragorn: Please.
Narrator: Oh all right! But it’s simply because I just can’t say no to you. *hint hint* Now where were we? Oh yes, Legolas, Aragorn and Gimli…
Legolas: Nice to see you again, Gimli. Have you learned not to fight with the narrator?
Gimli: Never again. I was in a dreadful place, filled with characters that were never used. I hope you never see that place.
Legolas: I never will, because I will never question her writings.
Aragorn: Are you done? I can’t hear anything with you two jabbering. Now shut up, before I get her to write you both out. Now… I think I can hear something. It’s faint, but it’s there. I think the orcs are far away. We had better quicken the pace.
Narrator: And so they ran of again…
Aragorn: I almost forgot. Legolas, what does your sharp elven eyes see?
Legolas: I was afraid there for a moment… I see something in a big huddle running northwards, followed by…oh no… Cheerleaders.
Aragorn: The orcs are heading towards Orthanc. They are Saruman’s orcs.
Gimli: So that means that he is the white hand the orcs had on their helmets.
Aragorn: WELL DUH!
Narrator: And so, with a whoosh, they ran of again. On their dash across the country, they found fine elven things that only could have come from one of the hobbits. Or both of them. But that doesn’t matter. Aragorn picked up one of the fine elven things and saw that it was one of the brooches they had received from Galadriel back in Lórien. He smiled as he thought of happier times. Of Arwen, how she always knew how to make him smile. He thought that she probably was brushing her hair right at that moment. In the background Legolas and Gimli was waiting impatiently. When Aragorn had let go of his thoughts, they ran on. They hadn’t run far when Aragorn motioned the others to take cover. In the background there was a faint sound of trumpets. They hadn’t waited long before an army of Rohirrim warriors appeared. As they rode passed them, Aragorn walked out from behind the stones and yelled.
Aragorn: What news from the North, Riders of Rohan?
Narrator: The leader of the army made a signal with his hand and they encircled the three travellers. They stopped and pointed their spears at the three companions.
Army guy: Who are you and what are you doing in this land? Speak quickly!
Aragorn: I am called Strider. I came out of the east and I am hunting orcs.
Narrator: The fine Rider leaped from his horse and gave his spear to another rider who rode up on his side. He drew his sword and stood face to face with Aragorn, surveying him keenly.
Army guy: At first I thought you yourselves were orcs, but now I see that it is not so. You aren’t as ugly. It would help if you shaved off that beard. Indeed you know little of orcs if you hunt them in this fashion. They are swift and well-armed, and they were many. You would have changed from hunters to pray, if ever you had overtaken them. But there is something strange about you, Strider. That is no name for a Man you give. And strange too is your raiment. Have you sprung out of the grass? How did you escape our sight? Are you elvish folk?
Aragorn: No. Only one of us is an Elf, Legolas from the Woodland Realm in distant Mirkwood. But we have passed through Lothlórien, and the gifts and favour of the Lady go with us.
Narrator: The cute army guy looked at them with renewed wonder, but his eyes hardened.
Army guy: Then there is a Lady in the Golden Wood, as old tales tell! I heard she was a real bitch.
Gimli: How dare you speak ill of the most beautiful of all ladies? I’m not even going to give you a second breath; I’ll just kill you now.
Army guy: What? What did I do?
Gimli: You spoke ill of the most beautiful of all ladies. Now tell me your name, so that I can make a nice headstone for you.
Army guy: My name is Éomer son of Éomund, and am called the Third Marshal of Riddermark.
Gimli: Then Éomer son of Éomund, Third Marshal of Riddermark, let me tear you a new navel.
Éomer: I would cut of your head, dwarf, if it stood but a little higher of the ground.
Legolas: You would be dead before you stroke fell.
Narrator: Legolas said and drew his bow…with an arrow on it.
Aragorn: Hey, guys. This bickering is pointless, and it is getting us nowhere. And by the way, what do you mean “the orcs were”?
Éomer: We slaughtered them.
Gimli: All of them?
Éomer: There were no-one alive when we left, but that could have changed. But in that case, were they burned alive.
Aragorn: Did you see any Halflings? They would be small, children to your eyes.
Éomer: No…no Halflings. What kind of fellowship is this? Men, elves, dwarves and Halflings?
Legolas: And wizard. Don’t forget wizard.
Éomer: Which one? Gandalf or Saruman?
Gimli: Gandalf, of cause. He was the only trustworthy wizard around. Except perhaps Aiwendil…you may know him as Radagast.
Éomer: Don’t expect the name of Gandalf to allow you free passage into Rohan. Ever since that idiot Wormtongue came, he has poisoned my uncle against Gandalf. He no longer recognises friend from foe. Heck, he even threw me out.
Aragorn: Now, let us get back to something more important. Me. I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, son of Arador, son of Argonui, son of Arathorn, son of Arassuil, son of Arahad. I am Isildur’s heir.
Éomer: Lawks. Ancient folktales and myths jumping out of the grass. I don’t suppose you have the chattered sword too?
Aragorn: No, not yet. I was supposed to get it when we left Rivendell, but Elrond wouldn’t part with it. I guess I will receive it soon.
Éomer: Well, I hope we will lift our swords together one day. But both you and I must be getting on. Here, have some horses. May they carry you better then their last owners. Arod and Hasufel.
Narrator: And the hunky Éomer whistled a clear strong note. How do you do that, by the way?
Éomer: Do what?
Narrator: Whistle like that.
Éomer: I don’t know. You wrote I could do it, so that must be the reason.
Narrator: Probably. Anyway, the horses walked up to Éomer who handed them over to Legolas, Gimli and Aragorn.
Éomer: I hope to see you soon, Aragorn. Farewell.
Narrator: And so the Rohirrim army rode off.
Gimli: I will not get on that beast.
Legolas: Are you going to run beside me then?
Gimli: I will do anything but get on that horse. If Aulë meant for us dwarves to run fast, he would have given us more legs.
Legolas: That is why the horses were made, so that dwarves wouldn’t have to run fast.
Gimli: Good point. Give me a leg up.
Narrator: Aragorn had been looking at the whole thing, and was shaking his head. Finally Gimli got on the horse and was ready to travel. And so departing, the three left. On across the fields of Rohan they rode, riding on horseback on the backs of their horses. In no little time they came to the place of their arrival where, arriving, they stopped and halted. They jumped of their horses and ran over to a huge pyre smouldering away.
Aragorn: This can’t be it. Please tell me we’re not too late. I’ll hate myself for ever if we’re too late.
Legolas: Then you’d better not come over here.
Aragorn: Why? What have you found?
Legolas: You don’t want to know.
Narrator: Aragorn went over to Legolas who was pointing to what he had found. When Aragorn saw what it was, he kicked a helmet, let out a mournful yell and fell to his knees. (Congratulations, you just broke your toe!) He looked up and all of a sudden jumped to his feet again. He walked over to a small ditch in the ground and said.
Aragorn: A hobbit lay here not to long ago. He was bound on hands and feet. But somehow he got lose. He helped the other one lose, and then they ran into…ops!
Legolas: Ahh…Fangorn Forest.
Gimli: Dare we enter?
Aragorn: We must. Merry and Pippin are in there.
Gimli: Can’t we just wait until they get out?
Aragorn: That is not an option. Besides, if we don’t go in, we won’t be surprised.
Gimli: What surprise?
Aragorn: Can’t tell. Don’t know.
Narrator: And so, the three brave men walked into Fangorn Forest. Meanwhile on a whole other place, Sam and Frodo was walking threw the mountains. Frodo felt very uneasy again. Sam picked up on this and asked what it was.
Frodo: We‘re not alone.
Narrator: And he was quite right. Later that night when they were trying to sleep, they got a surprise visit from the creature Gollum. He jumped Frodo and tried to get his Thing back, but Sam grabbed Gollum from behind and tore him away. It all was very confusing to look at, but finally Gollum was subdued and tamed…sort off.
Frodo: You have been through here before, and that is why you will lead us to the black gates.
Gollum: What? Precious. We won’t take you to the black gates. We can’t, precious.
Frodo: You can and you will. And no funny business.
Gollum: Ok, I promise.
Frodo: Your promise doesn’t mean anything to me. Swear it to me on something. Like this phial of Galadriel.
Gollum: IIIK! NO NOT THAT! I’ll swear it on the precious instead. Much safer for me. I swear on the precious that I will bring you safe to the black gates.
Frodo: Good. Now, let’s go.
Narrator: And so they walked on. Meanwhile in Fangorn Forest, the three buddies Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli was searching the ground to see if they could find anything that would tell them if Merry and Pippin came that way. Gimli was feeling very uneasy.
Gimli: Hey, you guys. Can we please leave? I think these trees want to kill me.
Legolas: Don’t be silly. They just want to stump your head; they don’t want to kill you.
Gimli: Same difference, dork! Can we please leave? I don’t want to be stumped by some stinking trees.
Tree #1: Well, I never!
Tree #2: How dare him…erh…he!
Gimli: Eh…I mean…Nice…beautiful trees.
Aragorn: If you put your axe down, they’ll calm down.
Legolas: Oh, listen to them talk. You know, the elves taught them that.
Gimli: Well, there is only so much a tree can talk about. I’m really dying to know the consistency of squirrel droppings.
Narrator: Suddenly Legolas looked unusually expressive.
Legolas: Aragorn, Nad no ennas!
Aragorn: Man cenich?
Legolas: The white wizard approaches.
Aragorn: Don’t let him talk. He is worse then Galadriel.
Gimli: HEY!
Aragorn: When I say so, we attack. Ok? ATTACK!
Narrator: As they turned around, they saw a bright light. The axe Gimli threw at the wizard got crushed, Legolas’ arrows broke, and Aragorn’s sword got red hot.
Wizard: You are looking for someone. Two young hobbits. Will it please you to know that they met a friend of mine and were taken away by him?
Aragorn: Show yourself, Saruman!
Narrator: As the wizard did so, they saw that it was…
Aragorn: GANDALF! It can not be; you fell…
Gandalf: Very good, Aragorn. I see that the shock of seeing me fall hasn’t put a damper on that razor sharp brain of yours all together.
All: Very good, Aragorn. I see that the shock of seeing me fall hasn’t put a damper on that razor sharp brain of yours.
Aragorn: What happened?
Gandalf: Through fire and water to the depth of Moria to the top of the highest mountain I followed my enemy, and in the end I managed to smote his ruin on the mountain side. And I smote him good. I fell into a coma, and was like this for ages it seemed, and I finally woke up to me again. But I was white, as you see. But enough talk. We must get to the Gap of Rohan.
Legolas: Yahoo! Finally I can get some fine threads.
Gimli: I know what you mean. I’m so fed up with these old clothes.
Aragorn: And they have a whole new collection from the high streets of Lórien too.
Gandalf: Are you quite finished? We have got to get going.
Narrator: And so they finally got going. On across the fields of Rohan they rode on horse back etc. They came to Meduseld as a banned came flying towards them. On the stairs outside the golden hall stood a beautiful woman with long blond hair, which was blowing in the wind.
Lady: Oh, finally. Someone else to talk to, someone who hasn’t lost their wits.
Gandalf: Now, King Théoden is a very old man, and he most probably will be under the influence of Saruman. But I have an ace up my sleeve, so be quiet and follow my lead.
Narrator: They walked up to the door of Meduseld and were stopped by a man named Háma. He told them to part with their weapons and to walk with him. Gandalf was reluctant to part with his walking staff, and with a scuffle, they were let in. The sight that met them was a tragic one. King Théoden sat on his throne and was half an inch from life.
Wormtongue: It’s Gandalf, my lord. He is not welcome.
Gandalf: The warmth from your halls has somewhat lessened of late, Théoden King.
Théoden: Why should I welcome you, Gandalf storm crow?
Wormtongue: A just question, my liege. Late is the hour upon you arrival. Now, be gone before I have you thrown out too.
Gandalf: Be quiet, worm! Keep your forked tongue behind your teeth. I didn’t travel threw fire and death to split words with a witless worm.
Wormtongue: Hm…What? I wasn’t paying attention. *sigh*
Lady: Oh…Yuck! He is looking at me again!
Narrator: Suddenly two men came in the room carrying light sabres.
Darth Vader: So, we meet again. I’ve been waiting for you, Obi-Wan. Now the circle has been completed. When I left you, I was but a learner, now I am the master.
Obi Wan-Kenobi: Only a master of evil, Darth.
Narrator: The two men started to fight and disappeared out of the room again. And our story continues.
Aragorn: Sweet maiden, stay behind me and you’ll be safe. Any slime balls he throws at you; I will catch and fling back. Besides you are going to see one hell of a show. Hit it, Gandalf!
Gandalf: Thank you, Aragorn. I release you, Théoden. I draw Saruman out, like poison is extracted from a wound.
Théoden: Ha ha ha! You have no power here, Gandalf Gray!
Gandalf: Oh, keep up with the time, idiot! I am now Gandalf the White! I have washed my clothes with Istari White which gives my cloak a whiter more pure outlook. And so, I release you, Théoden King.
Théoden: *GASP* Oh, my. I’m me again. Thank you, Gandalf.
Lady: Uncle, are you alright?
Théoden: I know your face. I think I remember you. Éowyn, isn’t it?
Éowyn: Uncle, you remember. You’re you again.
Théoden: Not quite. I feel weak.
Gandalf: Maybe your strength will come quicker if it grasped your old sword.
Théoden: Grima, where is my sword?
Wormtongue: You said you didn’t need it anymore, so I took it away from you.
Háma: Here, sire. I found it in Grima’s chest, along with a lot of other things.
Théoden: Oh, that’s it! You are so out of here.
Narrator: And so, Háma and another Rohirrim guard named Gamling threw Grima down the stairs outside Meduseld.
Wormtongue: Aoch, och, that hurt, that too, umf, Aoo… Don’t let me leave your side, my king. All I have ever done is serve you.
Théoden: And how did you intend to serve me to Saruman, well done?
Wormtongue: No, sire. Only half backed.
Théoden: Háma, get that twat a horse. And see to it that he doesn’t come back. Now, where is my son?
Háma: Your son?
Théoden: Yeah, you know…my son. Tall chap with long blond hair and a striking resemblance of me…my son.
Éowyn: Uncle, your son is dead. He died a few days ago. We told you, but…
Théoden: My son dead? But that is awful, Éowyn.
Éowyn: I know. Funeral, uncle?
Théoden: Funeral, niece.
Narrator: And a funeral was held, and Éowyn got to sing the most God awful song I have ever heard. It certainly didn’t impress Aragorn.
Aragorn: Legolas, you are crying. I knew elves were emotional, but this is…
Legolas: It’s not that. I’m crying because she is killing the song. I hope she is a better cook than a singer.
Narrator: After the funeral, Gandalf had a serious talk with Théoden.
Gandalf: Well, Théoden. Now you know the plan of Saruman. He intends to take over the world of men, so it is up to us to stop him. We also have a small problem with Sauron. The time to act is now, and act we must.
Théoden: World of men…bah! Rohan has been outside the world of men for a long time. When we had trouble, who came to aid us? No-one, that’s who. Why should I help the world of men now?
Gandalf: You can’t be serious. War is upon you.
Théoden: I haven’t heard anything about a war. All you said was that the world of men was to be overtaken; you said nothing about a war.
Aragorn: If you were to lead your men into war, I will ride with you. But you must decide soon. Now, in fact. Ride out to save Middle-Earth!
Théoden: Last time I checked, Théoden, not Aragorn was king of Rohan…
Éowyn: Will you not go to war, then, uncle?
Théoden: I don’t know. I think we must go to war.
Éowyn: Oh, can I come? Can I come? Please, can I come?
Théoden: No! You must stay here and take care of the people.
Aragorn: My king! You can’t let the people stay here. They will be killed.
Théoden: Fine, we’ll take them with us to Helms Deep.
Éowyn: Yeay!
Théoden: Háma, give word to all the people that we are to move to Helms Deep.
Narrator: And it was done. All the people of Edoras were taken to Helms Deep. After some time they stopped to get some food. Aragorn was sitting looking out over the land when Éowyn came up to him.
Éowyn: Some food? I have made it myself.
Aragorn: Thank you. *taste* *GAG*
Éowyn: Did you like it?
Aragorn: Mhm… Mmmmm…
Éowyn: It’s funny. My uncle says he remembers you from when he was young. That you travelled with his father. But that can not be. That would make you 70? 80?
Aragorn: *gulp* 87 actually.
Éowyn: Oh my… You’re old. I can’t believe I fell for you. Ehh…got to go.
Narrator: After they had eaten, they went on. On the way they were ambushed by some warg warriors, and brave Háma was killed. A warg attacked Aragorn, and it dragged him off a cliff. Hi, by the way.
Cliff: Hi.
Narrator: In the meantime Galadriel and Elrond had a serious conversation.
Galadriel: I amar prestar aen, han mathon ne nen, han mathon ne chae a han noston ned wilith. Hi, Elrond, how are you doing?
Elrond: Hi Galadriel, we are fine here, thank you. How are you?
Arwen: I feel pretty, oh so pretty. I feel pretty, and witty and bright. And I pity any elf who isn’t me tonight…
Elrond: Excuse me, Galadriel. Arwen, sweet daughter of mine, I love you more than words can say, but do you mind shutting up for a minute? I’m on the brain with your grand.
Arwen: Sorry, ada. I’ll be quiet.
Elrond: Thank you. Now, Galadriel, where were we?
Galadriel: I was about to complain about Haldir. He is still at it, shouting free the dishwasher at any chance he gets. I’m at my wits end.
Elrond: I think I know how to solve all your problems. Send Haldir and his gang to Helms Deep. Tell him some crock about the old alliance or some shit like that; I’m sure he’ll eat it raw.
Galadriel: What if he comes back?
Elrond: Oh, please! One million orcs, I’m sure I can bribe one of them into killing him.
Galadriel: Elrond, you’re a genius!
Elrond: Takes one to know one. But seriously, what am I going to do with Arwen and Aragorn?
Galadriel: Don’t do anything. Let them find out about this themselves.
Elrond: But she is my daughter.
Galadriel: And she is my grand daughter, but that doesn’t mean I love her any less. If you want her to go to Valinor, you have simply to let her decide. She will do the right thing. If you force her to go to Valinor, she will only want to stay back in Middle-Earth even more.
Elrond: You are sure of this? I was hoping this Aragorn thing was just a phase. A rebellious cry against me.
Galadriel: What are you afraid of?
Elrond: That she will die in pain.
Galadriel: She will. Either way. If you drag her kicking and screaming of to Valinor, she will die of a broken heart, and if we let her stay here, she will die too, only much, much later.
Elrond: You’re right.
Galadriel: I know. But I have to go now. I have to wash Celeborn’s clothes. Bye bye. Peace out!
Narrator: Legolas, Gimli, Théoden and the rest of the people outside Edoras had arrived at Helms Deep. As they entered the doors, Legolas’ cheerleaders came running up behind them.
Cheerleaders: We’ve got spirit…let’s hear it!
He’s tall and blond
He got it going on.
He’s sugary sweet
And he has got quick feet
He’s deadly with his bow
And his voice is low
What is his name?
L.E.G.O.L.A.S
Goooooo LEGOLAS!!!!!
Legolas: Hide me!!
Narrator: The tough Legolas said as he hid behind Éowyn. She shock her head and said…
Éowyn: Where is Aragorn? Don’t tell me you left him.
Gimli: He fell. He isn’t coming back.
Éowyn: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Gimli: I’m sorry. Did I say something wrong?
Narrator: Meantime by the river that Aragorn fell into.
Arwen: *whoosh whoosh* don’t mind me, Aragorn. I’m just a figment of your imagination. I just came to say that the grace of the Valar protects you or something. The message I received was all blurred out. *Smooch*
Aragorn: Ahh…Arwen…Hm…I have a sneaking suspicion that it is not Arwen kissing me. She doesn’t have horse breath. AH, BREGO!!!
Narrator: After Aragorn had scared Brego of and caught him again, he rode of towards Helms Deep. As he came to Helms Deep, he was greeted by a very angry Gimli.
Gimli: Let me at him. I’ll tare his eyes out. You are the most irresponsible, pig-headed, most lovable guy I have ever met. I have missed you, son.
Legolas: Le ab-dollen.
Éowyn: Aragorn, Aragorn. I can’t believe you are here. Oh, Aragorn.
Aragorn: Where is the king? I must speak with him.
Éowyn: Go ahead. You can’t ignore me forever!
Narrator: Now we go back to Frodo and Sam, and their new companion, Gollum. They were on their way to, surprise, surprise, the black gates. Gollum led the way followed by Sam and Frodo. Through the mountains they went and on to the field where the Martians passed.
Sam: This is a smelly, nasty bog. Why have you takes us here?
Gollum: Master says take him to black gate, and that is where we’ll take him. But to get there, we needs to go through nasty bog. Now remember; if you see a Martian, don’t look and don’t follow, especially if they are holding candles.
Narrator: They trudged along very carefully. Sam kept one eye out on Frodo and one on Gollum. He really didn’t trust that creature. Suddenly he realized that Frodo wasn’t following them, but walking his own way.
Sam: FRODO!
Narrator: He yelled, but there was no response from him. He kept walking straight ahead and finally he dropped head first into a smelly pool.
Sam: FRODO, NO!
Narrator: But it was too late.
Sam: You mean that we can’t save him? Is it all over? Can I go home now?
Narrator: No. Just watch. Frodo saw a lot of strange things in the water, and was almost out of breath when he felt a hand on his shoulder, and again it wasn’t Sam’s. When he was out of the water, he saw to his big surprise that it was Gollum.
Gollum: We tolds you not to follow the martians with candles. Now will you listen to us?
Narrator: They walked on and finally they got to the other side. And guess what…
Frodo: Oh no…more mountains.
Narrator: That’s right.
Frodo: You are just doing this to bug me, aren’t you?
Narrator: Yeah…I can be such a witch sometimes…They had been walking for ages and they were all equally hungry. They sat down in the shade of a tree and Sam started a fire and sent Gollum to catch two rabbits. After a few moments he came back with them. As Sam was preparing the rabbits he said
Sam: Now, go find some herbs.
Gollum: What are you going to those rabbitses?
Sam: Cook them of cause…what else? Eat them raw?
Gollum: Yes, yes…much better that way.
Sam: No way! Now, go find those herbs.
Gollum: I won’t go and find you stinking herbses…I just go.
Narrator: Gollum said and left.
Sam: Well, I guess I have to find herbses…eh…herbs myself.
Narrator: Sam went of and found the herbs he needed. When he came back he checked on Frodo who was sleeping.
Sam: Ah, Mr. Frodo. I’m so glad I came with you on this trip…I really am…
Gollum: Did you find your stinking herbses?
Narrator: Gollum had gotten back from wherever he had run of to, and now he was sitting and sulking over his two lost rabbits.
Sam: Instead of sitting there sulking, you can…
Narrator: Gollum turned his back to Sam in anger.
Sam: Look…I thank you for the rabbits, and now I need some potatoes.
Narrator: Gollum liked getting praise, so he turned around and looked at Sam. But he had never heard of…
Gollum: What is potatoes? Slippery like fish? Hairy like rabbits?
Sam: You know…potatoes??
Narrator: Gollum tilted his head and looked at Sam with a blank stare. Sam was getting annoyed.
Sam: Look…PO-tat-oes…po-TAT-oes…po-tat-OES!
Narrator: Sam couldn’t see any response from Gollum.
Sam: Little brown things that grow in the ground!
Gollum: Oh…potatoes…
Narrator: he said with a smile and as he turned away from him he said to himself…
Gollum: Silly little hobbit. Doesn’t know there are no such things as potatoes. And that cornfield they walked threw wasn’t even real. No such thing as corn yet. And there was most certainly not a car behind it…
Narrator: When the rabbit stew was done, Sam woke Frodo up.
Frodo: Sam, you’ve been cooking. What is it?
Sam: Oh, Boss. It’s some long ears Gollum caught for me.
Frodo: It’s simply delicious. Good boy, Sam.
Narrator: Sam’s ears turned bright red and he looked down.
After they had eaten they lay back and enjoyed the moment. Suddenly they felt the ground shake.
Sam: What was that?
Frodo: Probably just Gollum doing something stupid.
Sam: You’re right.
Narrator: But the shaking didn’t stop. In fact it was getting closer.
Frodo: Come on, Sam. Let’s see what it is.
Narrator: They crept up behind a hill and peeked out.
Sam: Oh, my stars, it’s an Oliphaunt.
Frodo: HUSH! Do you see the soldiers? It’s crawling with them.
Narrator: Suddenly a big battle erupted. Frodo and Sam watched it from afar. Meanwhile one of the soldiers had crept up on them from behind.
Soldier #1: HOLT! DON’T YOU MOVE!
Sam: O’boy! I think me stomach just moved.
Soldier #1 and Frodo: I can smell that…
Narrator: When the battle was over, the other soldiers gathered around them. One of them stepped up to them and looked at them long and hard. After some time he said…
Soldier #2: Who and what are you? Not orcs because they are ugly. And not elves, they don’t walk in Ithilien in these days. And besides…elves are wondrous fair to look upon.
Sam: Meaning we’re not, I take you. Thank you kindly. And when you’ve finished discussing us, perhaps you’ll say who you are, and why you can’t let two tired travellers rest.
Narrator: The man laughed grimly.
Soldier #2: I am Faramir, Captain of Gondor. But there are no travellers in this land: only the servants of the Dark Tower, or the White.
Frodo: But we are neither. And travellers we are, whatever Captain Faramir may say.
Narrator: Faramir looked very serious as he looked at them. All of a sudden he got a terrified look upon his face and he yelled…
Faramir: SQUIRRELS! SQUIRRELS!!!
Narrator: And then he ran hysterically away. After a while Faramir had calmed down and he gathered his men around him. He looked long at his men before he said…
Faramir: Are there anyone missing?
Narrator: …and looked around at his men again. Suddenly he exclaimed…
Faramir: OH MY GOD! THEY’VE KILLED KENNY!!!
Narrator: His soldiers looked at each other. This outrages behaviour was getting more and more frequent. Faramir gathered himself again and apologised. He gave orders to have Sam and Frodo bound and blindfolded, and then he led his men back to Sherwood Forest. Once there they started to laugh and sing.
All: We’re men… We’re men in tights… We roam around the forest looking for fights… We’re men; we’re men in tights… We rob from the rich and give to the poor, that’s right. We may look like sissies, but watch what you say or else we’ll put out your lights. We’re men, we’re men in tights. Always on guard protecting the peoples rights…
Frodo: How in Middle-Earth did we end up in Sherwood Forest? That narrator is really taking liberties here.
Sam: Best not to bad mouth her. I heard she wrote Gimli out.
Frodo: Well, we had better do something. We can’t stay here. We have to get back to Middle Earth. I had better talk to her. Excuse me, narrator lady. Can you please write us back to Middle Earth?
Narrator: Look at it this way… If you stay here, the Thing is safe.
Frodo: Yeah, but I really want to drop it in the cracks, you know.
Narrator: I understand. You want to honour your promise to Gandalf and Elrond, right?
Frodo: Something like that.
Narrator: Ok, your wish is my command. You’re back in Middle Earth… But don’t come crying to me when things don’t go your way!
Faramir gathered himself again and apologised. He gave orders to have Sam and Frodo bound and blindfolded, and then he led his men back to the hidden cave by the no-no pool. Once inside the cave, Frodo and Sam’s blindfolds were taken of.
Frodo: So, what do you want with us? We haven’t done anything wrong, so let us go.
Faramir: I beg to differ. We don’t like tourists. They always litter up the place and toss coins in the no-no pool. There is a reason it is called the no-no pool, you know.
Frodo: We haven’t heard of it before. We don’t even know where this no-no pool is. I’m sure we hadn’t come this way. But we’ll never know now, right?
Faramir: That’s a chance we couldn’t take. You must have a very good reason to get out of here alive.
Sam: How about: He has a Thing that the enemy wants. If the enemy gets his hands on it, Middle Earth is done for. No more no-no pools and Ithilien. Even Gondor will be gone. Think about that.
Faramir: I’ll say. We’d better let you go then.
Narrator: And so Frodo and Sam were set free. Before they walked out of the cave Faramir had one last word with them.
Faramir: All I wanted to say was that you had better be careful. There are many perils out there, even in the smallest and most unlikely packages. Like that creature that tags along with you. I trust him as long as I can fling an oliphaunt. Be careful, you carry the fate of us all, little one.
Frodo: One question before we leave. Do you have a brother that goes under the name Boromir, by any chance?
Faramir: Yes, do you know him?
Frodo: Why, yes. We left Rivendell together along with some other people…and an elf…and a dwarf…
Faramir: You were friends then?
Frodo: Yes, for my part, besides when he tried to take the Thing from me. Other than that I saw him as a friend.
Faramir: It would grieve you then to learn that he is dead?
Frodo: Boromir is dead?? Oh, the horror, the horror. How are we going to manage this task without Boromir?
Faramir: You can stop now. It isn’t that tragic. He lives in my memories. Now, be of. Farewell, Thing bearer.
Frodo: Farewell, brave Faramir. May you road be long and fruitful.
Faramir: Live long, and prosper.
Narrator: And so Frodo and Sam walked out of the cave, and walked towards the Black Gates. When they finally got there, after picking up Gollum on the way, they realised that going through them would be impossible, if they really wanted to be unnoticed. They were in dire straits.
Frodo: That’s it, Sam. We’re done for. Let’s go home.
Sam: That can’t be it. There must be another way. Gollum, you have been here before, do you know of another way?
Gollum: NO! I don’t know anything. This is the only way…as far as I know.
Sam: No, you know something. I can read you, Gollum. You are lying.
Gollum: Not lying…just bending the truth.
Frodo and Sam: Gollum!!
Gollum: Ok, we know of another way, and yes, we will take you there. Follow us… have you ever heard of something called mapses?? They are quite useful, you know. Dragging poor Gollum into who knows what…
Narrator: Oh darn. I have let the story go to far. I should have cut you of ages ago. What do I do now?
Frodo: How about saying The End on our chapter and go over to the others, that way we don’t have to jump back and forwards all the time.
Narrator: Good idea. Thanks. And on that note, we go over to Helm Deep where a battle beyond all compare will take place in a short time. King Théoden had ordered all men that were old enough to take up arms and go to war. Legolas, who is such a sensitive soul, was dead set against it.
Legolas: They are all going to die. There will be non left to defend the ruins of Rohan.
Aragorn: Would you mind shutting up? If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.
Gimli: What is that noise?
Legolas: It is a horn…an elven horn.
Narrator: And he was right. Haldir and his merry men came just in time.
Gamling: Open the gates.
Gatekeeper: Well, dah!
Haldir: Long ago men and elves had an alliance, now we are here to honour that alliance. We are honoured to stand alongside men once more.
Aragorn: Haldir, you are most welcome.
Narrator: And so the waiting started. Time passed slowly, and everybody thought that the orc army had taken a wrong turn somewhere. And then they finally came.
Théoden: Gamling, I need you to translate all the elven gibberish that will be flying around here.
Gamling: Yes, sire. I will be glad to.
Aragorn: Hino Ilúvatar. Dail ú-chyn. Ú-danno i failad a thi; an úben tannatha le failad.
Gamling: Children of Ilúvatar. Show them no mercy, for you shell receive none.
Théoden: Good. That’s very good, Gamling.
Legolas: Hain di na lanc a nu ranc!
Gamling: Their armour is weak at the neck and beneath the arm.
Théoden: I did not know that.
Aragorn: Ok, everybody. Ready the arrows.
Narrator: And to ad to the suspense, I am going to be a real bitch and have one of the old men fire an arrow at the orcs.
Man#1: Ops!
Aragorn: Dartho!
Gamling: Hold!
Théoden: I kind of got that.
Narrator: He he. And this made the orcs very mad, and so they attacked.
Aragorn: Leithio i philinn!
Gamling: Release the arrows!
Théoden: You don’t say. Well, that’s it. The battle for Middle Earth has started.
Narrator: The battle was on indeed. The orcs stormed the outside wall, and it seemed as though they wouldn’t get through. But they had an ace up their sleeves. They had…
Aragorn: Pendraid!
Gamling: Ladders sire.
Théoden: I can see that.
Narrator: But that was not all. There was one orc who came running with some kind of torch. He was running towards the hole under the wall. Aragorn saw this and shouted…
Aragorn: Dago han! Dago han, Legolas! Dago han!
Gamling: Bring him down! Bring him down, Legolas! Bring him down!
Théoden: You only have to say it once, you know. I’m not stupid.
Narrator: Legolas hurled himself onto the wall and fired arrow after arrow at the orc, but he hit it to late. There was a sudden explosion, and the wall fell into rubble. Dramatic isn’t it? Our team was now gathered on one side of a small pool, and the losers were on the other side of it. The orcs lowered their spears and awaited an attack. Aragorn gathered his men around him and shouted…
Aragorn: Herio!
Gamling: Charge!
Théoden: No kidding.
Narrator: Everybody threw themselves into the battle. Gimli and Legolas had kind of a contest going on to see who could kill the most orcs. Now they were side by side and fighting at their hearts delights. But the masses of orcs were too much for them. Aragorn realized that they were too few.
Aragorn: Am Marad! Am Marad! Haldir, am Marad!
Gamling: To the Keep! To the…well you get the idea, sire.
Théoden: Yes, thank you.
Narrator: Haldir looked at Aragorn and nodded his head. All of a sudden there stood a huge orc behind him and drove his sword into poor Haldir’s back.
Haldir Fans, who have read the book: HALDIR, NOOOOOOOoooooooooo!!!!! He isn’t supposed to die like that!!!!
Haldir fans,who have not read the book: What are you on about????
Narrator: Well, it’s not my fault, Haldir fans. I didn’t intend this… He was supposed to live. *sobs* What is this?
Orc: This is for calling us orcs losers!
Narrator: Luckily Aragorn came storming up the stairs to where Haldir was, and cut the head of the nasty orc right of his neck. HA! And so poor Haldir died, looking at his fallen friends. Let us take a minute to calm down here. *Phu*… The rest of the good guys ran to the Keep as the orcs smashed up the Gate door. Théoden asked Aragorn, who had come to help, if he could hold the orcs for a bit.
Aragorn: How long do you need?
Théoden: As long as you can give me.
Narrator: Aragorn took Gimli with him to a side door that went out to the outside to the left of the Gate Bridge. There there was a large cleft that they had to jump over.
Aragorn: What shall we do? It is a long jump.
Gimli: Toss me, big boy! And tell the elf. He must try it!
Narrator: Aragorn tossed Gimli into battle against the orcs. They fought bravely, and after some time, Théoden called them back. Legolas cast a rope to them, and Aragorn grabbed Gimli and climbed it. Once inside they ran to the Keep and the King.
Théoden: What do we do now, just sit and wait?
Aragorn: No, sire. We must fight. Let us ride out together, as one final hurrah.
Théoden: You are right. Let this be the hour that we draw swords together. Let the horn of Helm Hammerhand sound one last time.
Aragorn: Very good. And it is sunrise soon, so that is really helping the odds.
Gimli: Ok, I’ll go blow the horn, then.
Théoden: Now for wrath, now for ruin and the red dawn! FORTH EORLINGAS!
Narrator: As Gimli was blowing his horn, the rest of the rest of the army rode out to meet the orcs. They fought bravely, and soon the sun rose up over the small hill and there was Gandalf, and with him was Éomer and his merry men.
Éomer: We came just in time, it seems. Let’s fight! ROHIRRIM, TO THE KING!!
Narrator: And the battle went on and was won.
Gimli: Hey, Legolas. How many orcs did you get?
Legolas: I got 39!
Gimli: He he. I beat you by one. I got 40!
Narrator: Legolas didn’t like this and got mad at Gimli. He fired an arrow between Gimli’s legs.
Gimli: Hey, what are you doing? He is already dead.
Legolas: I wasn’t aiming at him.
Gandalf: This was but a taste of what is to come. The battle for Middle Earth has begun. Who knows what perils lay ahead?
Narrator: He is right. Who knows what is to come. We will find out in the next and final chapter of Lord of the Things.
Pippin: Hey, wait a minute. We’re in this too, you know. Have you forgotten about us?
Narrator: No, but I can’t juggle three stories at once. I thought that I would tell all about you when you meet Aragorn and the rest in the next bit. Cool?
Merry: No, not cool. Here we slave and work to give you a really good story and you don’t use us. I don’t want to be stuck in Fangorn Forest all night. This place gives me the creeps.
Narrator: Listen, I promise to give a very good story about the two of you in the next chapter, ok? Your story will be told. I will tell all about the ent water, the ent moot and the destroying of Isengard. Don’t worry.
Pippin: Ok. We except. But it had better be damn good.
Narrator: I’ll do my very best. Now, I leave you all now with a mental picture of Aragorn, Gandalf, Théoden, Éomer, Gimli, Legolas and the rest riding onwards to their next adventure.
The End.