Monthly Archives: February 2009

Lord of the Things

Numero tres

The King Comes Back

Narrator: We come back to our story as Obi-wan Kenobi leaps on to the huge Rancore. And as Luke holds it down, Obi-wan draws his light sabre and drives it into its neck.

Legolas: What is it with you and Star Wars? Can you please lay of it? This is the Lord of the Things…STICK TO IT!!

Narrator: Fine…May the force be with you.

Legolas: PLEASE!!!

Narrator: ok…ok…

The battle of Helm’s Deep was won and…

Pippin: Don’t forget about us…

Narrator: Eh…Ok…Before we start, we must take a step back in time to when Merry and Pippin was taken captive.

Legolas: You can’t be serious.

Narrator: Why?

Legolas: Do you mean to tell us that we have to wait until you’re finished?

Narrator: Yes. See it as a vacation. You boys need it after all that running, jumping and sword fighting.

Legolas: Hey Aragorn, Gimli. The narrator lady says we’re on vacation. Cool huh?

Aragorn: Dude, that’s sweet.

Gimli: V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N… It’s gonna be a ball…

Narrator: Enough! Because of these outbreaks, you three can just sit in the corner till I am finished.

Éomer: He he he…

Narrator: Ahem! Anyway! Merry and Pippin were taken to the edge of the Fangorn Forest. There they were thrown on the ground. Pippin was very distraught. He looked around and found Merry lying on his back not far from him. He crawled towards him while whispering his name.

Merry: Go away. I’m faking it. If they think I’m dead, they’ll leave me alone.

Pippin: But that means they’ll bug me instead.

Merry: Sorry, can’t be bothered. Now leave me alone, and let me get back to playing dead.

Pippin: Fine, be that way.

Orc #1: I’m hungry.

Uglúk: These sweeties aren’t for eating.

Orc #1: They don’t need their legs.

Uglúk: Good point. Let’s get them.

Hannibal Lector: I want his liver, with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. *FTTFTFTFTF*

Narrator: At that moment s small Rohirrim army came in and killed almost all of the orcs… and Hannibal Lector. As Merry and Pippin ran into the forest, Shagrat ran after them. As they were running through the forest, they heard strange noises coming from the trees.

Pippin: What was that?

Merry: You know the old forest on the borders of Buckland? People used to say that there was something in the water that made the trees grow tall and come alive.

Pippin: Oh, please! That’s just an old wives tale. There are no such thing as walking and talking trees.

Grishsnákh: Come back, little buggers. I’m not gonna hurt you, I’m just gonna eat you.

Narrator: In their horror Merry and Pippin climbed the first tree they could find. Pippin got up first, and as Merry grabbed the lowest branch, Grishsnákh grabbed his legs and threw him to the ground. As Pippin yelled his palls name, the tree opened his eyes. Pippin saw this and fell down. Just as he would have hit the ground the tree grabbed him. Merry saw all this and was lying on the ground with his mouth wide open. He was being groped by the nasty orc. Grishsnákh kept saying…

Grishsnákh: Where is it? Where is it?

Narrator: …over and over again. Suddenly the orc heard something behind him, and after he had turned around, he got stomped. Merry jumped up and ran off, but he didn’t get far before he was picked up.

Pippin: Please, don’t hurt me!

Tree: Oh…I’ll hurt you, nasty orcs!

Merry: But we’re not orcs, we’re hobbits.

Tree: Wait, wait wait…Not so fast. You’re not orcs? You certainly look like orcs.

Merry: And you will look like a wood pile if you don’t put us down.

Tree: Well…I’ll say! You must be orcs. They are the only ones who threaten with murder. Burarum!

Pippin: But we are not orcs. We aren’t as ugly. We are wondrous fair…as elves.

Tree: Have you boys been in my mushroom patch? I wouldn’t say wondrous fair. But whether you are orcs or elves, I’m taking you to the white wizard. He will know who you are, and what to do with you.

Pippin: The white wizard.

Merry: Not Saruman…

Narrator: Our two small heroes were taken away to see the white wizard who turned out to be Gandalf. Merry and Pippin were beside themselves with happiness. After that, they were taken by Treebeard, as the tree was called, to his home. He told them that the next day he would call for an ent moot.

And that is exactly what he did. The next morning, after having some ent draught and grown a little, they went to the ent moot. There were a lot of other ents there, and Treebeard and the other ents started to “talk” to each other. After many! hours Treebeard came over to Pippin and Merry.

Treebeard: Well, we have been talking and we have decided that you are not orcs, and we have concluded that there are such things as hobbits and that you shall be included in the old ent book. We have also caught up on old gossip and decided to march towards Isengard and give Saruman a lesson.

Saruman: Does this mean I actually get a line?

Narrator: Besides this one…no.

And so the ents went to war. They broke the dam Saruman had build, and flooded Isengard. Treebeard put Merry and Pippin down, and they rummaged through the ruins to find food. Luckily, they did.

Merry: Food! I can’t believe it. I’m so hungry I could eat horse shit.

Pippin: Well, you go find some and eat that, and I’ll eat the foods that are here.

Merry: No thanks. Now fling some food over.

Pippin: Look, Merry. I can’t believe it. Long bottom leaf. The best pipe weed in the west farthing. And two barrels. One each.

Merry: There is a God.

Narrator: And that’s it. I have used all the pages I can on you…for now. And we are up to speed on your adventure.

Merry: Are you going back to ignoring us now?

Narrator: No, you will be incorporated into the story soon. Now we turn our attention to Frodo, Sam and Gollum again. They had been walking very far since we last read about them, and now they were getting near the entrance Gollum had talked about. The close bond between Sam and Gollum was getting shaky, and they were really getting on each others nerves. Gollum in his sneaking way blamed Sam for everything that went wrong. Sam, how ever, was really trying to get along with that stinker. One night Gollum couldn’t sleep, and in his desperation he walked back and forth to try to get tired. But it didn’t help.

Gollum: It is all their fault. If they hadn’t dragged us of to who knows where, we could be fine right now. They should be punished. We want’s to murder them. Especially the little fat one, he always puts us down. All we have to do is take them to Her, and she will finish them of for us. And then the precious is ours.

Sam: You sneaking stinker!!!

Frodo: What is it, Sam?

Sam: He means to murder us! I heard him myself!

Gollum: NO! NEVER! I wouldn’t hurt a fly! *smack* AAAAaaaaaaaahhhhhh!

Frodo: Hear that, Sam. He wouldn’t not ever kill us.

Sam: Well, you can do what you want; Mr. Frodo, but I don’t trust him. He looks like he has some scary plan for us.

Frodo: Well, I have to trust him, so just go to bed again.

Narrator: Frodo took Gollum by the hand end lead him over to the sleeping place again. As they were walking over, Gollum turned and looked grimly at Sam.

Now we turn to Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas who, with Gandalf, Théoden, Éomer and the rest of the Rohirrim army, were moving towards Isengard.

Théoden: What are we going to do about Saruman? How are we going to beat him?

Gandalf: I do believe that we don’t have to do anything. When I was in Fangorn, I met an old friend of mine, and I do believe that he and his kin has done our job for us.

Aragorn: What on earth are you talking about?

Éomer: I do believe that the wizard has a secret.

Gandalf: Wait and see. I thing you will be surprised.

Legolas: Does this have anything to do with that forest outside Helms Deep?

Gandalf: Shhh!!!!

Narrator: They rode their horses up the cobblestone street up to Isengard. They were amazed at the massive destruction Saruman had done to the place. They looked around and saw small puffs of smoke come up from a small hill made of stone. As they rode closer they saw to small figures lying on top of them.

Gimli: I can not believe this! We have looked far and wide for you, and here you are in the lions den, smoking weed.

Merry: We had orders from Treebeard to welcome this entourage to Isengard, and to tell them that Saruman is trapped in his tall house.

Gimli: And what are you eating?

Merry: Relax my dear dwarf. There is a lot of salted pork for everyone.

Gimli: Mmmmm, salted pork…

Narrator: They rode on, after picking Merry and Pippin up, and met Treebeard.

Gandalf: My dear old friend, Treebeard. What have you done with Saruman?

Treebeard: Done? I haven’t done anything to him. He has hidden himself inside Isengard.

Aragorn: Did you see a disgusting little maggot come crawling this way?

Treebeard: If you mean Wormtongue, then yes. He came not to long ago, and it sounds like Saruman is not too pleased with his work. When he had crawled up the stairs, we heard a lot of screaming.

Gandalf: Well, that can’t be helped. We must talk to him. Are you up to it, Théoden?

Théoden: As ready as I’ll ever be. Let’s just get this over with.

Narrator: They got of their horses and walked towards the entrance to Isengard. As they stepped inside they were met by a lot of steps.

Merry: Not again!

Gandalf: Shhh, Merry. We’re supposed to surprise Saruman.

Saruman: You can’t surprise me, Gandalf. I knew you were coming. Narrator lady, you lied to me. You said I wouldn’t get any lines.

Narrator: Well, I am SO sorry…NOT!

Gandalf: Be quiet…eh…bhh…Saruman…eh he he he? I am most disappointed in you.

Saruman: Oh please. What did you expect of me?? I’m an evil wizard. And I still think you should have joined us. Think of what we could have done. We could rule Middle-Earth like father and son!

Gandalf: No. That’s not true. That IS impossible!

Narrator: As they were talking, Wormtongue crept up from behind Saruman and threw something at Gandalf. Pippin saw this, and ran after it as it rolled down the stairs. When it came down to the landing, Pippin picked it up and looked at it. He was mesmerised by its beauty. Gandalf came rushing down and picked it right out of his hands.

Gandalf: This is not a toy for hobbits.

Saruman: It is already too late. He has looked at it, and you know what that means. He is doomed. It will be the death of him.

Gandalf: Oh shut up, Saruman. You have no power here. When you went over to the dark side, you lost all your powers. You have NO gift with words anymore.

Saruman: Oh yes I do. I will prove it to you…but not right now.

Gandalf: Well, what ever. Thank you for the palantir.

Saruman: WHAT??? I never gave you that.

Gandalf: Well, thank Wormtongue from me then.

Saruman: WORMTONGUE!!!!

Théoden: Hi hi. He is in serious trouble now.

Narrator: They left Saruman and Wormtongue to work out their problems alone. They heard loud screams coming from within Isengard. Pippin followed Gandalf in hope that he might see the stone again. After the camp had been put up for the night, everybody went to sleep. Well, nearly everybody. Pippin couldn’t sleep. He twisted and turned on his blanket, and finally he decided to look at the stone, just once more.

Merry: What are you doing?

Pippin: I have to take a look at it.

Merry: But Gandalf told you not to. I think you should listen to him, especially now. I know this thing is not for us to have any business with. Please, listen to me.

Narrator: But Pippin wouldn’t. He snuck up to where Gandalf was sleeping and looked at him. Pippin was surprised see Gandalf looking straight at him. But there was no other reaction of recognition, and when Pippin waived his hand in front of Gandalf’s eyes, he realised that he was asleep. He picked up a large stone and replaced it with the palantir. After that Pippin went over to his blanket and threw it over him and the stone. He stared into the stone, and after a while he saw many scary things. The others were awoken by screams. Gandalf ran over to Pippin and picked up the stone with his robe covered hands. Aragorn smacked the screaming Pippin a few times, and when he finally stopped, he had a look of terror on his face.

Gandalf: Pippin…Pippin, can you hear me, my lad?

Aragorn: Will he be alright?

Gandalf: Yes, I guess so. These hobbits have strong wills. But there is one thing…Pippin, what did you see? Did you say anything?

Pippin: Fire…fire…fire…I saw flames…and the eye… and I saw Éowyn sing Britney Spears songs…It was like she was inside my head.

Merry: Well, she would have had plenty of room in there…

All: *Shudder*

Gandalf: Go on, boy.

Pippin: He wanted to know who I was, and I told him that I was a hobbit.

Gandalf: The Thing. Did he ask about the Thing?

Pippin: Yes, he did. But I wouldn’t say anything.

Narrator: With those words Pippin fell asleep.

Aragorn: Can we trust him?

Gandalf: He might be a careless one, but there is not a lie in him. He is telling us the truth.

Aragorn: And that means that Sauron knows something. Saruman has captured a hobbit and made him look into the palantir as a method of torture. We must act fast.

Gandalf: You are right. I must get to Gondor as soon as possible. And I will take that nosy hobbit with me.

Narrator: As Gandalf was talking, Pippin woke up again.

Pippin: What? Who? Me?

Gandalf: Yes, bright one…you.

Pippin: But…but…what did I do?

Gandalf: Oh, I think you know that all ready.

Pippin: Oh…The stone thing. Oh well. Merry, I’ll miss you. I hope we will see each other again.

Merry: I hope so too, but the chances are small.

Théoden: The rest of my men and me will return to Rohan. I think Éowyn misses us.

Legolas: I know of someone she misses moooore.

Gimli: Hi hi. Me tooooo…

Aragorn: Shut up, guys, you make me look bad.

Théoden: Oh relax, Aragorn. I know she is hot for your stuff. It doesn’t take a genius to see that. Well, men…pack up and come with me. BACK EORLINGAS!

Narrator: Gandalf and Pippin jumped onto Shadowfax, Gandalf’s horse. Shadowfax had carried Gandalf and Pippin into the night. Merry returned to Aragorn, and found that Hasufel was saddled, and Legolas and Gimli were ready with their horse, nearby.

Horse: Um, that is not my name.

Narrator: What?

Horse: “Nearby” is not my name, it’s Arod.

Narrator: Oh, brother…

Arod: I simply wish to have proper acknowledgement.

Narrator: (sigh) Fine. Legolas and Gimli were ready NEARBY with their horse, AROD. Happy?

Arod: Very satisfied. Thank you.

Narrator: For four days and nights did Gandalf ride, and when they were close, Gandalf talked sternly to Pippin.

Gandalf: All I want to say is that Denethor is a grumpy old man…

Pippin: Like Théoden?

Gandalf: No, not like Théoden. He is not as grumpy as Denethor. Now, Denethor is REALLY grumpy, so don’t say anything about Boromir and the Thing. And don’t mention the fellowship and Frodo. You know what? Leave the talking to me.

Pippin: What ever you say, boss.

Narrator: When they got to the city of Minas Tirith; they were not welcomed as they had wished. The red carpet was not rolled out, and they had to find Denethor themselves. When they found him, he seemed deepened in his own thoughts and took no heed to the two travellers in front of his court. Not until Gandalf talked to him, that is.

Gandalf: Denethor, we bring you news from Théoden.

Denethor: Shut up, that doesn’t interest me. Why should I care for somebody who contributed to my son’s death?

Gandalf: There is more in this world then your son.

Denethor: No there isn’t.

Pippin: But if he hadn’t come with us, he wouldn’t have saved the life of me and my friend. He is a hero in my eyes. But if it would please you, I will take up service for you instead of Boromir.

Narrator: Pippin stood in front of Denethor, knelt and presented his sword. Gandalf was God smacked.

Denethor: Are you sure you want to do this?

Gandalf: Yeah, are you out of your mind??

Pippin: My mind is made up.

Denethor: Well then. You are now in my service, and as your first duty you must empty and clean out all the latrines.

Narrator: Pippin regretted the decision right away, but he went to do his duty.

Gandalf: You do have another son, you know.

Denethor: Do I? Who is that then?

Gandalf: A striking young lad named Faramir.

Denethor: Oh, that’s right. But where is he when I need him??

Gandalf: He is in Osgiliath defending Gondor against the menace from Mordor. He would have been here, but you keep sending him away!

Denethor: Osgiliath is lost, lost long ago. He is clinging to a fools hope.

Narrator: As they were talking Pippin came rushing into that hall.

Pippin: Sire, sire. It is all over the city.

Denethor: Well, mop it up then.

Pippin: Not that! Word is that the troops are returning.

Narrator: And we go over to Rohan. Théoden and the rest had returned to Medúseld and were ready to go out again to Gondor. But Aragorn had his own agenda.

Théoden: You can’t be serious. If you go that way, you will surely die.

Aragorn: No I won’t. Take it easy, I’ll be fine. And don’t call me Shirley.

Legolas: I’m with Théoden. I don’t fear the dead, but this is suicide.

Éomer: I strongly recommend not going that way. You promised me that our swords would be raised together, and if you go through that way, I fear we shan’t.

Gamling: Excuse me, sire, but there is a man here who wants to talk with Lord Aragorn.

Théoden: Send him in.

Narrator: The man entered, and it was to their surprise Elrond.

Aragorn: Master Elrond, what are you doing here?

Elrond: I am here to bring you a small hope.

Aragorn: You brought me Arwen?

Elrond: No, but I did bring you Narsil.

Aragorn: That is great. Thank you. How is my girl, by the way?

Elrond: She is dying. She stayed for you, you know.

Aragorn: Yeah, I know. I wanted her to.

Elrond: Well, I won’t get in your way anymore. I have to get back to Rivendell.

Legolas: Well, that’s it then. I guess there is no way back. We have to take the way I won’t name.

Gimli: What kind of a sissy are you? What’s so dangerous about saying the path of the dead?

Éowyn: What is this I’m hearing? Are you taking the path of the dead?? You will surly die.

Aragorn: We won’t! And would everybody stop calling me Shirley? I’m only going trough the path of the dead.

Théoden: No!

Aragorn: Yes!

Éowyn: No!

Aragorn: Yes!

Gimli: No!

Aragorn: YES!

Legolas: Will nobody believe this man?

Éowyn: Well, nice knowing you.

Merry: Hey Aragorn, did you hear? I have joined Théoden’s army.

Aragorn: Good for you. But now I must be of. Come men, to the path of the dead.

Narrator: And now we jump over to Frodo, Sam and Gollum who have reached the stairs to the entrance to Shelob’s lair. But Frodo and Sam didn’t know that. Gollum had them eating out of his hands. So up they went. They climbed and climbed till they could climb no more, and then they climbed some more. When they reached the top, they took a rest. Sam offered Frodo some lembas, and he took it.

Frodo: Aren’t you having some? I have watched you lately, and you haven’t eaten anything.

Sam: Not hungry.

Frodo: Come on, Sam. I know you are hungry, now eat.

Sam: I had better not. I have planned everything so that we have enough lembas to the return trip.

Frodo: Oh Sam, always looking out for me.

Sam: Well, someone has to. You are not doing it.

Frodo: What do you mean?

Sam: That Gollum…I still don’t trust him. He has been sneaking more lately, and he disappeared today and was gone a long time. I think he has notified some orc army to where we are, and they will be coming soon.

Frodo: Don’t be silly, Sam. He must eat too, and to do that he must go hunting. So lay of him, Sam.

Sam: Fine. I’ll lie of him. But beware.

Gollum: Come along now hobbits, long way to go yet.

Narrator: And so onwards they walked. They reached the outside of the entrance and walked slowly in. The air was stuffy and smelled like something awful. It was dark in the narrow corridor, so Sam and Frodo had to steady themselves by touching the wall. It was sticky, and they had a hard time going forward. Suddenly they felt a wall in front of them. It was sticky too, and Frodo pulled out the phial he got from Galadriel and it shone like a star. They saw a huge web in front of them. Frodo pulled out Sting…

Sting: Finally!

Narrator: …and cut the web like a hot knife through butter.

Frodo: I guess we go on then.

Sam: I don’t like this.

Gollum: DIE, HOBBITS. DIE!!

Narrator: Gollum jumped the hobbits and forced them to the ground. He turned his attention to Frodo and started to grope him. Sam grabbed him from behind and tumbled on the ground. Frodo got up and started to run, but he didn’t get far. Shelob came out of her cave and attacked Frodo and stung him. Sam kicked Gollums ass and then ran over to Frodo who was lying in the ground. He picked up Sting and Galadriels phial and attacked Shelob. The bright light from the phial hurt her eyes and that little rascal of a what ever was fast.

Shelob: I’ll have you… You and your little dog too…

Narrator: Suddenly she felt a horrid sting in her beautiful belly. She knew she would die, so she retreated to her hole. Sam ran over to Frodo again and picked up his head. They were like this for some time.

Sam: Don’t leave me, Frodo. Don’t go where I can’t follow.

Narrator: And now back to Aragorn, Legolas and the rest. The next morning as Aragorn and the rest got ready to leave, Éowyn came out to him with a cup of wine.

Éowyn: Drink this for good health and good return.

Narrator: Aragorn took the cup and drank.

Aragorn: That was delicious. Got any more?

Legolas: You don’t have the time. We must leave.

Éowyn: Please let me come with you.

Aragorn: Sorry, but I can’t let you do that.

Éowyn: Stay then, and fight along side my uncle.

Aragorn: Can’t do that either. I must follow my own path now.

Éowyn: Well then. Don’t let me stop you…pig headed bastard!!!

Narrator: And so they rode on to the path of the dead.

Théoden and the rest got ready to go to war for Gondor, and as Théoden’s horse got saddled Éowyn came out to talk to him.

Éowyn: Please let me come, uncle.

Théoden: I can’t do that. You must stay here and tend to my people.

Éowyn: But why?? I can fight, you know I can.

Théoden: I know you can, but I must have you here to rule my people in my place till I come back.

Narrator: Éowyn did not like that; so she marched in to Medúseld and sulked for a bit. As the others rode out, Merry ran alongside Théoden trying to convince him that he should come too.

Merry: Please let me come. I want to do my share for Rohan.

Théoden: I’m sorry, Merry, but I can’t let you come along. The horse you have is too short to ride the whole distance, and none of my men can carry the extra weight. And besides I need you to stay here and help Éowyn look after Medúseld.

Merry: Don’t make me leave your side, my king. I want to come with you.

Narrator: But Théoden was out of hearing range. Merry stood alone looking at the hoards of Rohirrim riders riding out to war. Suddenly he felt a strong hand on his back and before he knew it, he was sitting on a horse.

Soldier#1: I will take you along with me, Merry. Don’t worry. But hide so that no-one can see you.

Merry: Thank you, eh…who are you??

Dernhelm: You can call me Dernhelm.

Narrator: And on they rode. And now we go back to Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli, who had arrived at the entrance to the path of the dead. They stood outside for a bit and hoped for some courage to come along, but none came. After some time a puff of air came out of the entrance and scared the horses of.

Legolas: The road is closed. The land of the dead starts here, and no living people might enter. The road is closed.

Aragorn: I am not afraid of the dead.

Narrator: …he said and marched in to the cave.

Legolas: I’m not afraid either.

Gimli: Eh…maybe I’ll just stay here.

Aragorn: Come Gimli!

Gimli: No no…I’ll wait here.

Aragorn: NOW!

Gimli: This is ridiculous. An elf dares to go under ground and a dwarf dares not! I’ll never hear the end of it.

Narrator: They walked on in the darkness, and they felt many eyes on them. Aragorn turned to Legolas to ask…

Aragorn: Man cenich?

Legolas: Im u-cenich! Oh my God, I’m blind. Not my eyes. Not my beautiful, sparkling eyes. Not my beautiful, sparkling, lovely, blue eyes. Oh, the horror, the horror!!!

Aragorn: Open your eyes. And besides…Very bad grammar on that Im u-cenich thing.

Legolas: Oh…thanks.

Aragorn: Well?

Legolas: I see dead people.

Aragorn: Good, we are in the right place then.

Dead King: Who dares enter the path of the dead?

Aragorn: I do.

Dead King: And you are?

Aragorn: Isildur’s heir.

Dead King: Oh…I have been expecting you.

Aragorn: So you will help me then?

Dead King: Sure, why not. We don’t have anything else to do.

Aragorn: Great. Let’s go. I have so many plans for how we can win this war.

Dead King: Like what?

Aragorn: Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once…

Narrator: And Aragorn told the dead King all about his plan. And we go back to Frodo and Sam who were still in Shelob’s lair.

Sam was convinced that Frodo was dead, and now he had a very hard decision to make. He didn’t want to leave Frodo there, and he couldn’t take him with him. All of a sudden he heard orc voices not far of. Tears sprung to his eyes as he made the hardest decision he ever had to make. He left Frodo. As the orc voices were getting closer, he hid in a small hole in the wall.

Shagrat: What’s this then, one of Shelob’s little meals?

Gorbag: So what if it is. He is dead.

Shagrat: Shows what you know. He aign’t dead. It is the poison of Shelob that has made him like this. He is only sleeping, and it will keep him fresh till she is hungry. I remember when Bob got caught and we found him in one of the hallways very much alive and kicking. But we had to leave him, because if we hadn’t she would come after us.

Gorbag: I don’t think she will be eating him, looks like someone has done her in.

Shagrat: I see what you mean. Come on then, let’s take him with us. Come on, you dogs. We have time to loose, this has gone too far.

Gorbag: Don’t you mean: Come on, you dogs. We have no time to loose, it is far to go?

Sam: You idiot over all idiots, Sam. Frodo wasn’t dead, and now you have to free him.

Narrator: And that is what he did. But he had to find Frodo first, and that wasn’t easy, but he did it. When he found Frodo, he was lying on the floor.

Sam: Mr. Frodo, are you alright? Talk to me.

Frodo: Yes, Sam. I’m great, why do you ask?

Sam: Well, you are lying on the floor and you are beaten to a pulp…and you’re naked.

Frodo: Oh, Sam…can you find me some clothes?

Sam: I think we had better go under cover, so I’ll see if I can find some orc armour.

Narrator: And so he did. And he found some armour too. They got dressed and started their long walk towards Mount Doom.

And then we go back to Gandalf, Denethor and Pippin. Gandalf was off to give the soldiers a pep talk, and Pippin was standing next to Denethor as he was eating.

Denethor: Tell me Pippin, can you sing?

Pippin: Well yes…but not songs that are right for these halls.

Denethor: Are you saying that your songs are to fine for my halls?

Pippin: Of course not, but my songs are…

Denethor: Sing then.

Pippin: Where have all the flowers gone?

Long time passing

Where have all the flowers gone?

Long time ago

Where have all the flowers gone?

Young girls picked them everyone

When will they ever learn?

When will they ever learn?

Narrator: Denethor didn’t really pay any attention to Pippin and his lovely singing. He was to busy eating. Not long after Pippin had finished singing, did Faramir come into the room.

Faramir: Father, I have news.

Denethor: Well, what is this news then?

Faramir: Osgiliath is lost. An orc army over took us.

Denethor: Well go get it back then, you sorry excuse for a son.

Faramir: I know you wanted me to die instead of Boromir.

Denethor: That is the first thing you have had right for a long time, looser.

Faramir: I will go and try to take Osgiliath back for you, father. And if I come back, please look a pone me with kinder eyes.

Denethor: That depends on the manner of which you return.

Narrator: I usually don’t interfere with the story, but you have got to go, Denethor. You are disqualified for obnoxious behaviour. LEAVE!

Denethor: But…but…

Narrator: No name calling here, please.… GO! Congratulations, Faramir. You are now the steward of Gondor.

Pippin: Jippi.

Faramir: Thank you, narrator lady. I really appreciate this.

Narrator: Now, not to put a damper on the mode or anything, but I’m sorry to have to inform you that there is a war on.

Faramir: Right. Take up arms, people of Gondor, and go to war!!!

Narrator: The orc armies surrounded Minas Tirith and there seemed to be no hope of ever winning this battle. The orcs started to catapult stones onto the walls of the great city, and things looked bleak. But of cause the Rohirrim army came to their rescue. And what a rescue it was…

Théoden: Around the survivors a perimeter create. I want you to fight like you have never fought before. Now for wrath, now for ruin. FORTH EORLINGAS!!!!!!

Narrator: A flying Ring-Wright swooped down and nearly killed Théoden. He was lying on the ground with his horse on top of him. The Witch-king stood over Théoden, and as Dernhelm ran towards them, he laughed.

Witch-king: Mwoahahahaha!!! No man can kill me! For ‘tis written, and so it must be true!

Dernhelm: I will kill you, big horrible laughing thing.

Witch-king: Oh come on! I said: NO MAN CAN KILL ME! MWOAHAHAHAHAHA!

Dernhelm: HA! The joke is on you, because I am a woman!

Witch-king: …ha ha ha…eh…oh ohh… RUN AWAY!!!

Éowyn: Come back, you coward! I will smite you good!

Narrator: They started to sword fight, and it looked like Éowyn was loosing, but Merry crept up from behind the Witch-king and drove his knife in to the witch-kings leg.

Merry: Take that!

Narrator: The Witch-king screamed out in pain, and Éowyn saw this as her chance to kill the Witch-king, and that is what she did. But the price of bravery is a steep one. The black breath took both Éowyn and Merry.

As this was happening, Aragorn and the rest came in by boat. The welcome wagon got a very big scare as the ghost army flew of the boats and attacked. And so the battle was won. Aragorn ran over to Éomer and said with glee.

Aragorn: We were viii… We were viii…

Éomer: Victimized?

Aragorn: No…no…We were viii…

Legolas: Smaller than a toaster?

Gimli: Bigger than an Oliphant?

Aragorn: No, you twits…We were victorious.

Narrator: After Aragorn’s outburst, the others decided to go find some survivors. Éomer found Éowyn and led out a heart felt….this is too sad…I can’t do this…They took Éowyn and Merry to the Healing house in Minas Tirith, and there Aragorn saved both their lives. Éowyn was harder to wake up, but Aragorn put her hands in Éomers and asked him to call her name.

Éomer: Éowyn, Éowyn!

Narrator: Cried Éomer amid his tears. But she opened her eyes and said…

Éowyn: Éomer! What joy is this? For they said that you were slain. Nay, but that was only a dark voice in my dream. How long have I been dreaming?

Éomer: Not long, my sister. But think no more on it.!

Éowyn: I am strangely weary. I must rest a little. But tell me, what of the Lord of the Mark? Alas! Do not tell me that that was a dream; for I know that it was not. He is dead as he foresaw.

Éomer: He is dead, but he bade me say farewell to Éowyn, dearer than daughter. He lies now in great honour in the citadel of Gondor.

Éowyn: That is grievous. And yet it is good beyond all that I dared hope in the dark days, when it seemed that the House of Eorl was sunk in honour less than any shepherd’s cot. And what of the king’s esquire, that Halfling? Éomer, you shall make him a knight of the Riddermark, for he is valiant!

Gandalf: He lies nearby in this House, and I will go to him. Éomer shall stay here for a while. But do not speak yet of war or woe, until you are made whole again. Great gladness it is to see you wake again to health and hope, so valiant a lady!

Éowyn: To health? It may be so. At least while there is an empty saddle of some fallen Rider that I can fill, and there are deeds to do. But to hope? I do not know.

Narrator: This was when two Gondor army guys came in carrying Faramir between them.

Aragorn: What happened?

Gondor-guy: He fell down the stairs and is unconscious.

Aragorn: I guess I have to heal him too.

Narrator: And he did just that.

And after that they decided they had to march towards the black gates. And they did that too.

And back to Sam and Frodo. They had now reached the summit up to Mount-Doom. They started to climb.

The others came to the black gates, and stood outside waiting for some sign to tell them that someone was indeed home. It took a very long while, but finally the gate opened and the mouth of Sauron came out.

Gandalf: Oh no…not him.

Mouth of Sauron: You have come a long way for defeat. I am sorry to inform you that we have taken the little hobbit captive and the dark lord has the Thing.

Gandalf: If that is true, I want some evidence of that fact.

Narrator: Sauron’s motor mouth held up Frodo’s mithril ring mail, his cloak and Sting.

Sting: Get me away from this idiot!!!

Gimli: You didn’t…you can’t have…I WILL KILL YOU!!!!

Mouth of Sauron: Keep your slave under control.

Gandalf: He is not my slave…and you will pay if you have hurt the owner of those items.

Mouth of Sauron: Good, good. He is dear to you, I see. Or else his errand was one that you did not wish to fail? It has. And now he shall endure the slow torment of years, as long and slow as our arts in the Great Tower can contrive, and never be released, unless maybe when he is changed and broken, so that he may come to you, and you shall see what you have done. This shall surely be unless you accept my Lord’s terms.

Gandalf: Name the terms.

Mouth of Sauron: These are the terms. The rabble of Gondor and its deluded allies shall withdraw at once beyond the Anduin, first taking oaths never again to assail Sauron the Great in arms, open or secret. All lands east of the Anduin shall be Sauron’s for ever, solely. West of the Anduin as far as the Misty Mountains and the Gap of Rohan shall be tributary to Mordor, and men there shall bear no weapons, but shall have leave to govern their own affairs. But they shall help rebuild Isengard which they have wantonly destroyed, and that shall be Sauron’s, and there his lieutenant shall dwell: not Saruman, but one more worthy of trust.

Gandalf: This is much to demand for the delivery of one servant: that your Master should receive in exchange what he must else fight many a war to gain! Or has the field of Gondor destroyed his hope in war, so that he falls to haggling? And if indeed we rated this prisoner so high, what surety have we that Sauron, the Base Master of Treachery, will keep his part? Where is the prisoner? Let him be brought forth and yielded to us, and then we will consider these demands.

Mouth of Sauron: Do not bandy words in your insolence with the Mouth of Sauron! Surety you crave! Sauron gives none. If you sue for his clemency you must first do his bidding. These are his terms. Take them or leave them!

Gandalf: These we will take.

Narrator: Said Gandalf suddenly. He cast aside his cloak and a white light shone forth like a sword in that black place. Before his upraised hand the foul Messenger recoiled, and Gandalf coming seized and took from him the tokens: coat, cloak and sword.

Gandalf: These we will take in memory of our friend. But as for your terms, we reject them utterly. Get you gone, for your embassy is over and death is near to you. We did not come here to waste words in treating with Sauron, faithless and accursed; still less with one of his slaves. Begone!

Narrator: Then the Messenger laughed no more. His face was twisted with amazement and anger. He jumped on his mighty steed and galloped away.

Aragorn: Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Legolas: I agree, but I don’t like the silence.

Gimli: I know. It’s to quiet.

Éomer: I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

Narrator: And they all were right. At that moment armies of orcs, Easterlings and other nastiness came charging at them with their weapons raised.

Aragorn: Ah…of cause.

Pippin: I wish Merry was here.

Aragorn: I wish Arwen was here.

Gandalf: I wish Mandos and Tulkas were her.

Éomer: Now that would help. Cora, I call upon you in a time of need!!!

Narrator: But Cora isn’t here. And so another battle erupted, and pretty soon every one was hard at work. Even the cheerleaders had something to do.

Cheerleaders: Brr, it’s cold out here.

It must be an elf in the atmosphere

I said; brr! It’s cold out here

It must be an elf in the atmosphere

I said; OE-OE-O, ice ice ice.

OE-OE-O, ice ice ice.

Break it down.

O-E-O-E-O, ice, ice, ice (slow)

O-E-O-E-O, ice, ice, ice (slow)

Goooo Legolas!

Aragorn: Legolas, could you please make them stop that?

Cheerleaders: We won’t stop until we have a kiss on the cheek from Legolas.

Aragorn: Oh…brother!!

Legolas: Help!

Narrator: But he had to fend them of himself. It wasn’t long into the battle, when they heard a small cry.

Pippin: The Eagles are coming! The Eagles are coming!

Narrator: At that moment an orc hit Pippin over the head. Pippin remembers thinking that it all was over. And his thoughts fled away and his eyes saw no more.

And now, Frodo and Sam. They had climbed their little hearts out, and were almost at the top. Frodo was so tired he couldn’t take one more step, so Sam said…

Sam: If I can’t carry the Thing for you, I will carry you!

Narrator: Sam picked Frodo up and started to walk up the steep mountain side. They were at the entrance to the crack when Gollum came out of nowhere and attacked them. Sam took most of the blow, and fought bravely against his foe. He finally got the edge and kicked Gollum down the mountain side. When he turned he realized that Frodo was gone. He ran into the entrance to the crack, shouting Frodo’s name.

Frodo: I am here, Sam.

Sam: What are you doing?

Frodo: I have to see what the Thing is before I throw it in.

Narrator: Frodo looked at it for a while.

Sam: What is it?

Frodo: It’s just a Thing. I don’t know. Looks like a small troll.

Sam: No wonder Sauron wants it back.

Gollum: It’s mine…Give it back!

Frodo: NO! It’s mine…my own…MY precious!

Sam: Frodo, NO!

Narrator: When Frodo claimed the Thing as his own, Sauron swung his eye around and looked at him. But Gollum wanted it too, so he jumped Frodo, bit one of his fingers off and got the Thing. And as he did the hobbit-jig on the edge, he slipped and fell. Both the Thing and Gollum fell in the moulting lava.

The Thing: I’m melting, I’m melting…Ahhh…I’m melting. What a world, what a world…

Narrator: Frodo and Sam stumbled out of the crack and found shelter on a large rock. The lava started to pour out of the cracks and there were no way down for them.

Sam: That’s it then. I hoped we could get home, but I guess not.

Frodo: I know. It was nice knowing you.

Narrator: At the same moment as the Thing melted, Sauron’s tower started to crumble and fall apart. All his allies ran in fear. But the very ground they stood on cracked open and swallowed them whole, and those who didn’t fall in, got pushed or were killed in some other way.

Gandalf called Gwaihir over to him, and asked if he could help get to Mount Doom to see if Frodo and Sam was still alive. Gwaihir picked up Gandalf willingly and flew of. Neither Sam nor Frodo noticed being picked up. But when they woke up, they found themselves in strange surroundings.

Frodo: Where are we, Sam?

Sam: I don’t know. Maybe we have dreamt it all.

Narrator: Frodo held up his hand and saw that it was bandaged.

Frodo: No…I don’t think we dreamed it.

Narrator: Gandalf came in the door with the rest of the fellowship following.

Gandalf: I am so happy you have recovered. The King wants a word with you.

Sam: What?? Elvis, here?

Gandalf: Sam…I know you are smarter than this.

Sam: Sorry, it just blurted out. Who is this king who wants to see us?

Gandalf: It is a surprise.

Narrator: Gandalf took the fellowship to see the king. But first Sam and Frodo were fitted with armour from Gondor. After that he led them out on a porch, and it was crawling with people. In one end there was a staircase and on it stood Faramir.

Faramir: People of Gondor, the loremasters tell that it was the custom of old that the king should receive the crown from his father ere he died; or if that might not be, that he should go alone and take it from the hands of his father in the tomb where he laid. But since things must now be done otherwise, using the authority of the Steward, I have today brought hither from Rath Dínen the crown of Eärunur the last king, whose days passed in the time of our longfathers of old.

Narrator: Then the guard stepped forward, and Faramir opened the casket, and he held up an ancient crown. Then Aragorn took the crown and held it up and said…

Aragorn: Et Eärello Endorenna utúlien. Sinome maruvan ar Hildinyar tenn’ Ambar-metta!

Narrator: And then to the wonder of many Aragorn did not put he crown upon his head, but gave it back to Faramir, and said…

Aragorn: By the labour and valour of many I have come into my inheritance. In token of this I would have the Thing-bearer bring the crown to me, and let Mithrandir set it upon my head, if he will; for he has been the mover of all that has been accomplished, and this is his victory.

Narrator: Then Frodo came forward and took the crown from Faramir and bore it to Gandalf; and Aragorn knelt, and Gandalf set the White Crown upon his head and said…

Gandalf: Now come the days of the King, and may they be blessed while the thrones of the Valar endure.

Narrator: Aragorn rose and looked out over the people in silence.

Faramir: Behold the king!

Narrator: The people went mad with joy, and they started to sing and play merry instruments. From the back of the crowd a light green banner appeared, and Aragorn walked slowly over to it. As he walked forth the people bowed before him. The bearer of the green banner was Elrond, and hiding behind him was Arwen. They looked upon each other with joy and hugged.

Elrond: You have my approval.

Narrator: And they walked on. When they came to the hobbits, the hobbits bowed low.

Aragorn: My dear friends, you bow for no-one. LONG LIVE THE HALFLINGS! GLORIFY THEM!

Gondor-man #1: No, I won’t. One of them stole my pipe-weed.

Gondor-man #2: Yeah! And another took my beer.

Aragorn: I said: GLORIFY THEM!!

Gondor-man #1 and 2: No, we won’t!!!

Aragorn: Cuio I Pheriain anann! Aglar’ni Pheriannath! Daur a Berhael, Conin en Annûn! Eglerio! Eglerio! A laita te, laita te! Andave laituvalmet! Cormacolindor, a laita tárienna!

Gondor-man #1: Shit, he’s talking elvish. He means business!

Gondor-man #1 and 2: We glorify! We glorify!

Narrator: And there was much rejoiceing. Éowyn was standing a long side Faramir. They were now engaged. They found love for each other in the Healing House where Éowyn was recovering from the Dark Breath and Faramir from concussion.

Aragorn had much to do in the following days. He had to decide who should have what. He gave to Faramir Ithilien to be his princedom, and bade him dwell in the hills of Emyn Arnon within sight of the City…

Aragorn: For Minas Ithil in Morgul Vale shall be utterly destroyed, and though it may in time to come be made clean, no man may dwell there for many long years.

Narrator: And then Aragorn greeted Éomer of Rohan, and they embraced, and Aragorn said…

Aragorn: Between us there can be no word of giving or taking, nor of reward; for we are brethren. In happy hour did Eorl ride from the North, and never has any league of people been more blessed, so that neither has ever failed the other, nor shall fail. Now, as you know, we have laid Théoden the Renowned in a tomb in the Hallows, and there he shall lie for ever among the Kings of Gondor, if you will. Or if you desire it, we will come to Rohan and bring him back to rest with his own people.

Éomer: Since the day when you rose up before me out of the green grass of the downs I have loved you, and that love shall not fail. But now I must depart for a while to my own realm, where there is much to heal and set in order. But as for the Fallen, when all is made ready we will return for him; but here let him sleep a while.

Narrator: And Éowyn said to Faramir…

Éowyn: Now I must go back to my own land and look on it once again, and help my brother in his labour; but when one whom I long loved as father is laid at last to rest, I will return.

Faramir: You make it sound like a threat.

Narrator: Before long Gandalf talked to the hobbits, and told them that it was time to go home. Reluctantly, they agreed. King Aragorn and Queen Arwen decided to come with them to oversee his vast lands. Éomer had been gone for some time, and came back to bring Théoden with him to Medúseld to be buried. After Théoden’s funeral, they rode on. On their way towards the Shire, they picked up Galadriel and Celeborn and they came upon Saruman and Wormtongue.

Gandalf: Well, Saruman. Where are you going?

Saruman: What is that to you? Will you still order my going, and are you not content with my ruin?

Gandalf: You know the answers, no and no. But in any case the time of my labours now draws to an end. The King has taken on the burden. If you had waited at Orthanc you would have seen him, and he would have showed you wisdom and mercy.

Saruman: Then all the more reason to have left sooner, for I desire neither of him. Indeed if you wish for an answer to your first question, I am seeking a way out of his realm.

Gandalf: Then once more you are going the wrong way, and I see no hope in your journey. But will you scorn our help? For we offer it to you.

Saruman: To me? Nay, pray do not smile at me! I prefer you frown. And as for the Lady here, I do not trust her: she always hated me, and schemed for your part. I do not doubt that she brought you this way to have the pleasure of gloating over my poverty. Had I been warned of your pursuit, I would have denied you the pleasure.

Galadriel: Saruman, we have other errands and other cares that seem to us more urgent than hunting for you. Say rather that you are overtaken by good fortune; for now you have a last chance.

Saruman: If it be truly last, I am glad, for I shall be spared the trouble of refusing it again. All my hopes are ruined, but would not share yours. If you have any. Go! I did not spend long study on these matters for naught. You have doomed yourselves, and you know it. And it will afford me some comfort as I wander to think that you pulled down you own house when you destroyed mine. And now, what ship will bear you back across so wide a sea? It will be a grey ship, and full of ghosts.

Narrator: He laughed mockingly, but his voice was cracked and hideous. He turned to the other beggar and said…

Saruman: Get up, you idiot. Turn about! If these fine folk are going our way, then we will take another. Get in, or I’ll give you no crust for your supper.

Wormtongue: Poor old Gríma! Poor old Gríma! Always beaten and cursed. How I hate him! I wish I could leave him!

Gandalf: Then leave him.

Narrator: But Wormtongue only shot a glance of him bleared eyes full of terror at Gandalf, and shuffled quickly past behind Saruman. As the wretched pair passed by the company they came to the hobbits, and Saruman stopped and stared at them, but they looked at him with pity.

Saruman: So you have come to gloat too, have you, my urchins? You don’t care what a beggar lacks, do you? For you have all you want, food and fine clothes, and the best weed for your pipes. Oh yes, I know! I know where it comes from. You would not give a pipeful to a beggar, would you?

Frodo: I would, if I had any.

Merry: You can have what I have got left, if you will wait a moment.

Narrator: He got down and searched in the bag at his saddle. Then he handed to Saruman a leather pouch.

Merry: Take what there is. You are welcome to it; it came from the flotsam in Isengard.

Saruman: Mine, mine, yes and dearly brought! This is only repayment in token; for you took more, I’ll be bound. Still, a beggar must be grateful, if a thief returns him even a morsel of his own. Well, it will serve you right when you come home, if you find things less good in the Southfarthing than you would like. Long may your land be short of leaf!

Merry: Thank you. In that case I will have the pouch back, which is not yours and has journeyed far with me. Wrap the weed in a rag of your own.

Saruman: One thief deserves another.

Pippin: Well, I like that! Thief indeed! What of our claim for waylaying, wounding, and orc-dragging us through Rohan?

Sam: Ah! And bought he said. How, I wonder? And I didn’t like the sound of what he said about the Southfarthing. It’s time we got back.

Frodo: I’m sure it is. But we can’t go any quicker, if we are to see Bilbo. I am going to Rivendell first, whatever happens.

Gandalf: Yes, I thing you had better do that. But alas for Saruman! I fear nothing more can be made of him. He has withered altogether.

All: He has withered.

Gandalf: All the same, I am not sure Treebeard is right: I fancy he could do some mischief still in a small mean way.

Narrator: And on they travelled. When they had passed Caradhras, Celebdil and Fanuidhol, Celeborn and Galadriel and their folk turned eastward. They had journeyed thus far by the west-way, and they were all going to Rivendell, for they had much to speak about to Elrond and Gandalf.

Frodo visited Bilbo. He was starting to get old…fast. After about a fortnight the hobbits and Gandalf went on again.

Pippin: Did any of you notice anything strange about Aragorn after he became king?

Merry: What?

Pippin: Well, he started to talk funny…like he suddenly became a good public speaker.

Gandalf: I noticed that too, and it has a very simple explanation. When the war was won, he had to pull himself together and become what we all expected of him. That is why he became well spoken.

Narrator: They trudged on and came to Bree. Butterbur was very pleased to see the hobbits again alive, and was surprised that they were. He saw that they had left with Strider, and he was sure they would be killed. After the night in Bree, they travelled on. But on the way Gandalf snuck of. He was meeting Tom Bombadil. The four hobbits finally came to the Brandywine, and to their amazement there was a gate on the road.

Merry: What is this nonsense? We leave for a mere year, and everything we hold dear is shut in?

Frodo: I know what you mean. Let’s find out what this is all about.

Narrator: Sam knocked on the gate. At first there was no answer; and then to their surprise someone blew a horn, and the lights in the windows in one of the new house beside the road went out. A voice shouted in the dark:

Hobbit: Who’s that? Be off! You can’t come in. Can’t you read the notice: No admittance between sundown and sunrise?

Sam: Of course we can’t read the notice in the dark. And if the hobbits of the Shire are to be kept out in the wet on a night like this, I’ll tear down your notice when I find it.

Narrator: They were let in, and heard tidings of the goings on in the Shire. That there was a “Chief” that sent out orders from Bag End. The four hobbits decided to travel to the Shire and tend to this new “Chief” and put him in his rightful place. The gatekeeper didn’t like all this talk, and told the hobbits that they were under arrest. They didn’t listen to him, and told him that if they were under arrest, he had to follow them.

They rode on and came to the Shire, and met more hobbits. They were all surprised at seeing the four hobbits alive. They were taken for dead long ago. After much talk, all that hobbits came to the same conclusion. They had to fight the new regime. And the hobbits took to arms. At first they took care of the “Chiefs” men, and then they went on to Bag End. They had heard that the “Chief “went under the name of Sharkey, and to their big surprise Sharkey was none other then Saruman.

Frodo: Sharkey!

Saruman: So you have heard the name, have you? All my people used to call me that in Isengard, I believe. A sign of affection, possibly. But evidently you did not expect to see me here.

Frodo: I did not. But I might have guessed. A little mischief in a mean way: Gandalf warned me that you were still capable of it.

Saruman: Quite capable, and more than a little. You made me laugh; you hobbit-lordlings, riding along with all those great people, so secure and so pleased with your selves. You thought you had done very well out of it all, and could now just amble back and have a nice quiet time in the country. Saruman’s home could be all wrecked, and he could be turned out, but no one could touch yours. Oh no! Gandalf would look after your affairs. *laughter* Not he! When his tools have done their task he drops them. But you most go dangling after him, dawdling and talking, and riding round twice as far as you needed. “Well,” thought I, “if they’re such fools, I will get ahead of them and teach them a lesson. One ill turn deserves another.” It would have been a sharper lesson, if you only had given me a little more time and more Men.

Pippin: Well, we can just go back to Rivendell for a bit, and let you get on with your work.

Saruman: Still I have done much that you will find hard to mend or undo in your lives. And it will be pleasant to think of that and set it against my injuries.

Frodo: Well, if that is what you find pleasure in, I pity you. It will be a pleasure of memory only, I fear. Go at once and never return!

Hobbits: Don’t let him go! Kill him! He’s a villain and a murderer. Kill him!

Saruman: Kill him! Kill him! *mockingly* Kill him, if you think there are enough of you, my brave hobbits! But do not think that when I lost all my goods I lost all my power! Whoever strikes me shall be accursed. And if my blood stains the Shire, it shall whiter and never again be healed.

Frodo: Do not believe him! He has lost all power, save his voice that can still daunt you and deceive you, if you let it. But I will not have him slain. It is useless to meet revenge with revenge: it will heal nothing. Go, Saruman, by the speediest way!

Saruman: Worm! Worm! To the road again, Worm! These fine fellows and lordlings are turning us adrift again. Come along!

Narrator: Wormtongue came crawling like a dog out of the door. Saruman turned to go, and Wormtongue shuffled after him. But even as Saruman passed close to Frodo a knife flashed in his hand, and he stabbed swiftly. The blade turned on the hidden mail-coat and snapped. A dozen hobbits, led by Sam, leaped forward with a cry and flung the villain to the ground. Sam drew his sword.

Frodo: No, Sam! Do not kill him even now. For he has not hurt me. And in any case I do not wish him to be slain in this evil mood. He was great once, of a noble kind that we should not dare to raise our hands against. He is fallen, and his cure is beyond us; but I would still spare him, in the hope that he may find it.

Narrator: Saruman rose to his feet and stared at Frodo. There was a strange look in his eyes of mingled wonder and respect and hatred.

Saruman: You have grown, Halfling. Yes, you have grown very much. You are wise, and cruel. You have robbed my revenge of sweetness, and now I must go hence in bitterness, in debt to your mercy. I hate it and you! Well, I go and I will trouble you no more. But do not expect me to wish you health and long life. You will have neither. But that is not my doing. I merely foretell.

Narrator: He walked away, and the hobbits made a lane for him to pass; but their knuckles whitened as they gripped on their weapons. Wormtongue hesitated, and then followed his master.

Frodo: Wormtongue! You need not follow him. I know of no evil you have done to me. You can find rest and food here for a while, until you are strong and can go your own way.

Narrator: Wormtongue halted and looked back at him, half prepared to stay. Saruman turned.

Saruman: No evil? *cackled* Oh no? Even when he sneaks out at night it is only to look at the stars. But did I hear someone ask where poor Lotho is hiding? You know, don’t you, Worm? Will you tell them?

Wormtongue: No, no!

Saruman: Then I will. Worm killed your Chief, poor little fellow, your nice little Boss. Didn’t you, Worm? Stabbed him in his sleep, I believe? Buried him, I hope; though Worm has been very hungry lately. No, Worm is not really nice. You had better leave him to me.

Wormtongue: *hissing* you told me to; you made me do it!

Saruman: *laughs* you do what Sharkey says, always, don’t you, Worm? Well, now he says: follow!

Narrator: He kicked Wormtongue in the face as he grovelled, and turned and made off. But at that something snapped: suddenly Wormtongue rose up, drawing a hidden knife, and then with a snarle like a dog he sprang on Saruman’s back, jerked his head back, cut his throat, and with a yell ran off down the lane ( with Ryan Giggs). Before Frodo could recover or speak a word, three hobbit-bows twanged and Wormtongue fell dead.

Sam: And that’s the end of that. A nasty end, and I wish I needn’t have seen it; but it’s good riddance.

Merry: And the very last end of the War, I hope.

Frodo: I hope so. The very last stroke. But to think that it should fall here, at the very door of Bag End! Among all my hopes and fears at least I never expected that.

Sam: I shan’t call it the end, till we’ve cleared up the mess. And that’ll take a lot of time and work.

Narrator: Some years passed, and Frodo got ill on the dates of his stabbing at Weather Top and Shelob’s sting. And finally he decide to go to the Gray Havens. Sam and Frodo went for a walk, and on the way they met Elrond and Galadriel. In the back of a trolley sat Bilbo. In no little time came Merry and Pippin running. Amid his tears, Pippin laughed.

Pippin: You tried to give us the slip once before and failed, Frodo. This time you have nearly succeeded, but you have failed again. It was not Sam, though, that gave you away this time, but Gandalf himself.

Gandalf: Yes, for it will be better to ride back three together than one alone. Well, here at last, dear friends, on the shores of the Sea comes the end of our fellowship in Middle-Earth. Go in peace! I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are an evil.

Narrator: Frodo kissed Merry and Pippin and at last Sam, and went on board the ship. And it floated across the sea. At last the three companions turned away, and never again looking back they rode slowly homewards; and they spoke no word to one another until they came back to the Shire, but each had great comfort in his friends on the long grey road.

At last they rode over the downs and took the East Road, and then Merry and Pippin rode on to Buckland, and already they were singing again as they went. But Sam turned to Bywater, and so came back to the Hill, as day ending once more. And he went on, and there was yellow light and fire within; and the evening meal was ready, and he was expected. And Rose drew him in, and set him in his chair, and put little Elanore upon his lap. He drew a deep breath.

Sam: Well, I’m back.

Narrator: He said. And he really was, you know. And that concludes the end of the three Lord of the Things. What will become of them all? Maybe I will tell you some other time.

The End

LORD OF THE THINGS

Part deux

THE TWO HOUSES!

Narrator: We continue this story at a very critical time. The fellowship had split and everything was very sad. As princess Lea and Luke Skywalker was running down the hallway in the spaceship, Han Solo and Chewbacca was running the other way and Obi-wan Kenobi had headed of to close down the tractor beam, and was sure he would be killed by Darth Vader.

Gimli: Excuse me, but would you mind sticking to the story???

Narrator: What a nerve! How dare you interrupt my genius at work!! You will pay for this. Now where was I? Oh yes. The fellowship had broken up, and now Aragorn and Legolas were running after the orcs that had kidnapped Merry and Pippin.

Gimli: Aren’t I supposed to be in this story?

Narrator: Not anymore. Anyway… They had gotten to the wide fields of the Riddermark and the orcs seemed to be miles ahead. Aragorn halted for a bit, and put his lovely head against the ground to listen if the orcs were near. They were not, and so Legolas and Aragorn ran on.

Aragorn: Isn’t there supposed to be a dwarf with us? I think I remember a dwarf running with us.

Legolas: He was, but he got in a fight with the narrator, so she wrote him out.

Aragorn: Serves him right. Nobody fights with the narrator. But we kind of need him… so I think I’ll talk to her. *whisper whisper whisper*

Narrator: *Whisper whisper* No!

Aragorn: Please.

Narrator: No!

Aragorn: Please.

Narrator: No!

Aragorn: Please.

Narrator: Oh all right! But it’s simply because I just can’t say no to you. *hint hint* Now where were we? Oh yes, Legolas, Aragorn and Gimli…

Legolas: Nice to see you again, Gimli. Have you learned not to fight with the narrator?

Gimli: Never again. I was in a dreadful place, filled with characters that were never used. I hope you never see that place.

Legolas: I never will, because I will never question her writings.

Aragorn: Are you done? I can’t hear anything with you two jabbering. Now shut up, before I get her to write you both out. Now… I think I can hear something. It’s faint, but it’s there. I think the orcs are far away. We had better quicken the pace.

Narrator: And so they ran of again…

Aragorn: I almost forgot. Legolas, what does your sharp elven eyes see?

Legolas: I was afraid there for a moment… I see something in a big huddle running northwards, followed by…oh no… Cheerleaders.

Aragorn: The orcs are heading towards Orthanc. They are Saruman’s orcs.

Gimli: So that means that he is the white hand the orcs had on their helmets.

Aragorn: WELL DUH!

Narrator: And so, with a whoosh, they ran of again. On their dash across the country, they found fine elven things that only could have come from one of the hobbits. Or both of them. But that doesn’t matter. Aragorn picked up one of the fine elven things and saw that it was one of the brooches they had received from Galadriel back in Lórien. He smiled as he thought of happier times. Of Arwen, how she always knew how to make him smile. He thought that she probably was brushing her hair right at that moment. In the background Legolas and Gimli was waiting impatiently. When Aragorn had let go of his thoughts, they ran on. They hadn’t run far when Aragorn motioned the others to take cover. In the background there was a faint sound of trumpets. They hadn’t waited long before an army of Rohirrim warriors appeared. As they rode passed them, Aragorn walked out from behind the stones and yelled.

Aragorn: What news from the North, Riders of Rohan?

Narrator: The leader of the army made a signal with his hand and they encircled the three travellers. They stopped and pointed their spears at the three companions.

Army guy: Who are you and what are you doing in this land? Speak quickly!

Aragorn: I am called Strider. I came out of the east and I am hunting orcs.

Narrator: The fine Rider leaped from his horse and gave his spear to another rider who rode up on his side. He drew his sword and stood face to face with Aragorn, surveying him keenly.

Army guy: At first I thought you yourselves were orcs, but now I see that it is not so. You aren’t as ugly. It would help if you shaved off that beard. Indeed you know little of orcs if you hunt them in this fashion. They are swift and well-armed, and they were many. You would have changed from hunters to pray, if ever you had overtaken them. But there is something strange about you, Strider. That is no name for a Man you give. And strange too is your raiment. Have you sprung out of the grass? How did you escape our sight? Are you elvish folk?

Aragorn: No. Only one of us is an Elf, Legolas from the Woodland Realm in distant Mirkwood. But we have passed through Lothlórien, and the gifts and favour of the Lady go with us.

Narrator: The cute army guy looked at them with renewed wonder, but his eyes hardened.

Army guy: Then there is a Lady in the Golden Wood, as old tales tell! I heard she was a real bitch.

Gimli: How dare you speak ill of the most beautiful of all ladies? I’m not even going to give you a second breath; I’ll just kill you now.

Army guy: What? What did I do?

Gimli: You spoke ill of the most beautiful of all ladies. Now tell me your name, so that I can make a nice headstone for you.

Army guy: My name is Éomer son of Éomund, and am called the Third Marshal of Riddermark.

Gimli: Then Éomer son of Éomund, Third Marshal of Riddermark, let me tear you a new navel.

Éomer: I would cut of your head, dwarf, if it stood but a little higher of the ground.

Legolas: You would be dead before you stroke fell.

Narrator: Legolas said and drew his bow…with an arrow on it.

Aragorn: Hey, guys. This bickering is pointless, and it is getting us nowhere. And by the way, what do you mean “the orcs were”?

Éomer: We slaughtered them.

Gimli: All of them?

Éomer: There were no-one alive when we left, but that could have changed. But in that case, were they burned alive.

Aragorn: Did you see any Halflings? They would be small, children to your eyes.

Éomer: No…no Halflings. What kind of fellowship is this? Men, elves, dwarves and Halflings?

Legolas: And wizard. Don’t forget wizard.

Éomer: Which one? Gandalf or Saruman?

Gimli: Gandalf, of cause. He was the only trustworthy wizard around. Except perhaps Aiwendil…you may know him as Radagast.

Éomer: Don’t expect the name of Gandalf to allow you free passage into Rohan. Ever since that idiot Wormtongue came, he has poisoned my uncle against Gandalf. He no longer recognises friend from foe. Heck, he even threw me out.

Aragorn: Now, let us get back to something more important. Me. I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, son of Arador, son of Argonui, son of Arathorn, son of Arassuil, son of Arahad. I am Isildur’s heir.

Éomer: Lawks. Ancient folktales and myths jumping out of the grass. I don’t suppose you have the chattered sword too?

Aragorn: No, not yet. I was supposed to get it when we left Rivendell, but Elrond wouldn’t part with it. I guess I will receive it soon.

Éomer: Well, I hope we will lift our swords together one day. But both you and I must be getting on. Here, have some horses. May they carry you better then their last owners. Arod and Hasufel.

Narrator: And the hunky Éomer whistled a clear strong note. How do you do that, by the way?

Éomer: Do what?

Narrator: Whistle like that.

Éomer: I don’t know. You wrote I could do it, so that must be the reason.

Narrator: Probably. Anyway, the horses walked up to Éomer who handed them over to Legolas, Gimli and Aragorn.

Éomer: I hope to see you soon, Aragorn. Farewell.

Narrator: And so the Rohirrim army rode off.

Gimli: I will not get on that beast.

Legolas: Are you going to run beside me then?

Gimli: I will do anything but get on that horse. If Aulë meant for us dwarves to run fast, he would have given us more legs.

Legolas: That is why the horses were made, so that dwarves wouldn’t have to run fast.

Gimli: Good point. Give me a leg up.

Narrator: Aragorn had been looking at the whole thing, and was shaking his head. Finally Gimli got on the horse and was ready to travel. And so departing, the three left. On across the fields of Rohan they rode, riding on horseback on the backs of their horses. In no little time they came to the place of their arrival where, arriving, they stopped and halted. They jumped of their horses and ran over to a huge pyre smouldering away.

Aragorn: This can’t be it. Please tell me we’re not too late. I’ll hate myself for ever if we’re too late.

Legolas: Then you’d better not come over here.

Aragorn: Why? What have you found?

Legolas: You don’t want to know.

Narrator: Aragorn went over to Legolas who was pointing to what he had found. When Aragorn saw what it was, he kicked a helmet, let out a mournful yell and fell to his knees. (Congratulations, you just broke your toe!) He looked up and all of a sudden jumped to his feet again. He walked over to a small ditch in the ground and said.

Aragorn: A hobbit lay here not to long ago. He was bound on hands and feet. But somehow he got lose. He helped the other one lose, and then they ran into…ops!

Legolas: Ahh…Fangorn Forest.

Gimli: Dare we enter?

Aragorn: We must. Merry and Pippin are in there.

Gimli: Can’t we just wait until they get out?

Aragorn: That is not an option. Besides, if we don’t go in, we won’t be surprised.

Gimli: What surprise?

Aragorn: Can’t tell. Don’t know.

Narrator: And so, the three brave men walked into Fangorn Forest. Meanwhile on a whole other place, Sam and Frodo was walking threw the mountains. Frodo felt very uneasy again. Sam picked up on this and asked what it was.

Frodo: We‘re not alone.

Narrator: And he was quite right. Later that night when they were trying to sleep, they got a surprise visit from the creature Gollum. He jumped Frodo and tried to get his Thing back, but Sam grabbed Gollum from behind and tore him away. It all was very confusing to look at, but finally Gollum was subdued and tamed…sort off.

Frodo: You have been through here before, and that is why you will lead us to the black gates.

Gollum: What? Precious. We won’t take you to the black gates. We can’t, precious.

Frodo: You can and you will. And no funny business.

Gollum: Ok, I promise.

Frodo: Your promise doesn’t mean anything to me. Swear it to me on something. Like this phial of Galadriel.

Gollum: IIIK! NO NOT THAT! I’ll swear it on the precious instead. Much safer for me. I swear on the precious that I will bring you safe to the black gates.

Frodo: Good. Now, let’s go.

Narrator: And so they walked on. Meanwhile in Fangorn Forest, the three buddies Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli was searching the ground to see if they could find anything that would tell them if Merry and Pippin came that way. Gimli was feeling very uneasy.

Gimli: Hey, you guys. Can we please leave? I think these trees want to kill me.

Legolas: Don’t be silly. They just want to stump your head; they don’t want to kill you.

Gimli: Same difference, dork! Can we please leave? I don’t want to be stumped by some stinking trees.

Tree #1: Well, I never!

Tree #2: How dare him…erh…he!

Gimli: Eh…I mean…Nice…beautiful trees.

Aragorn: If you put your axe down, they’ll calm down.

Legolas: Oh, listen to them talk. You know, the elves taught them that.

Gimli: Well, there is only so much a tree can talk about. I’m really dying to know the consistency of squirrel droppings.

Narrator: Suddenly Legolas looked unusually expressive.

Legolas: Aragorn, Nad no ennas!

Aragorn: Man cenich?

Legolas: The white wizard approaches.

Aragorn: Don’t let him talk. He is worse then Galadriel.

Gimli: HEY!

Aragorn: When I say so, we attack. Ok? ATTACK!

Narrator: As they turned around, they saw a bright light. The axe Gimli threw at the wizard got crushed, Legolas’ arrows broke, and Aragorn’s sword got red hot.

Wizard: You are looking for someone. Two young hobbits. Will it please you to know that they met a friend of mine and were taken away by him?

Aragorn: Show yourself, Saruman!

Narrator: As the wizard did so, they saw that it was…

Aragorn: GANDALF! It can not be; you fell…

Gandalf: Very good, Aragorn. I see that the shock of seeing me fall hasn’t put a damper on that razor sharp brain of yours all together.

All: Very good, Aragorn. I see that the shock of seeing me fall hasn’t put a damper on that razor sharp brain of yours.

Aragorn: What happened?

Gandalf: Through fire and water to the depth of Moria to the top of the highest mountain I followed my enemy, and in the end I managed to smote his ruin on the mountain side. And I smote him good. I fell into a coma, and was like this for ages it seemed, and I finally woke up to me again. But I was white, as you see. But enough talk. We must get to the Gap of Rohan.

Legolas: Yahoo! Finally I can get some fine threads.

Gimli: I know what you mean. I’m so fed up with these old clothes.

Aragorn: And they have a whole new collection from the high streets of Lórien too.

Gandalf: Are you quite finished? We have got to get going.

Narrator: And so they finally got going. On across the fields of Rohan they rode on horse back etc. They came to Meduseld as a banned came flying towards them. On the stairs outside the golden hall stood a beautiful woman with long blond hair, which was blowing in the wind.

Lady: Oh, finally. Someone else to talk to, someone who hasn’t lost their wits.

Gandalf: Now, King Théoden is a very old man, and he most probably will be under the influence of Saruman. But I have an ace up my sleeve, so be quiet and follow my lead.

Narrator: They walked up to the door of Meduseld and were stopped by a man named Háma. He told them to part with their weapons and to walk with him. Gandalf was reluctant to part with his walking staff, and with a scuffle, they were let in. The sight that met them was a tragic one. King Théoden sat on his throne and was half an inch from life.

Wormtongue: It’s Gandalf, my lord. He is not welcome.

Gandalf: The warmth from your halls has somewhat lessened of late, Théoden King.

Théoden: Why should I welcome you, Gandalf storm crow?

Wormtongue: A just question, my liege. Late is the hour upon you arrival. Now, be gone before I have you thrown out too.

Gandalf: Be quiet, worm! Keep your forked tongue behind your teeth. I didn’t travel threw fire and death to split words with a witless worm.

Wormtongue: Hm…What? I wasn’t paying attention. *sigh*

Lady: Oh…Yuck! He is looking at me again!

Narrator: Suddenly two men came in the room carrying light sabres.

Darth Vader: So, we meet again. I’ve been waiting for you, Obi-Wan. Now the circle has been completed. When I left you, I was but a learner, now I am the master.

Obi Wan-Kenobi: Only a master of evil, Darth.

Narrator: The two men started to fight and disappeared out of the room again. And our story continues.

Aragorn: Sweet maiden, stay behind me and you’ll be safe. Any slime balls he throws at you; I will catch and fling back. Besides you are going to see one hell of a show. Hit it, Gandalf!

Gandalf: Thank you, Aragorn. I release you, Théoden. I draw Saruman out, like poison is extracted from a wound.

Théoden: Ha ha ha! You have no power here, Gandalf Gray!

Gandalf: Oh, keep up with the time, idiot! I am now Gandalf the White! I have washed my clothes with Istari White which gives my cloak a whiter more pure outlook. And so, I release you, Théoden King.

Théoden: *GASP* Oh, my. I’m me again. Thank you, Gandalf.

Lady: Uncle, are you alright?

Théoden: I know your face. I think I remember you. Éowyn, isn’t it?

Éowyn: Uncle, you remember. You’re you again.

Théoden: Not quite. I feel weak.

Gandalf: Maybe your strength will come quicker if it grasped your old sword.

Théoden: Grima, where is my sword?

Wormtongue: You said you didn’t need it anymore, so I took it away from you.

Háma: Here, sire. I found it in Grima’s chest, along with a lot of other things.

Théoden: Oh, that’s it! You are so out of here.

Narrator: And so, Háma and another Rohirrim guard named Gamling threw Grima down the stairs outside Meduseld.

Wormtongue: Aoch, och, that hurt, that too, umf, Aoo… Don’t let me leave your side, my king. All I have ever done is serve you.

Théoden: And how did you intend to serve me to Saruman, well done?

Wormtongue: No, sire. Only half backed.

Théoden: Háma, get that twat a horse. And see to it that he doesn’t come back. Now, where is my son?

Háma: Your son?

Théoden: Yeah, you know…my son. Tall chap with long blond hair and a striking resemblance of me…my son.

Éowyn: Uncle, your son is dead. He died a few days ago. We told you, but…

Théoden: My son dead? But that is awful, Éowyn.

Éowyn: I know. Funeral, uncle?

Théoden: Funeral, niece.

Narrator: And a funeral was held, and Éowyn got to sing the most God awful song I have ever heard. It certainly didn’t impress Aragorn.

Aragorn: Legolas, you are crying. I knew elves were emotional, but this is…

Legolas: It’s not that. I’m crying because she is killing the song. I hope she is a better cook than a singer.

Narrator: After the funeral, Gandalf had a serious talk with Théoden.

Gandalf: Well, Théoden. Now you know the plan of Saruman. He intends to take over the world of men, so it is up to us to stop him. We also have a small problem with Sauron. The time to act is now, and act we must.

Théoden: World of men…bah! Rohan has been outside the world of men for a long time. When we had trouble, who came to aid us? No-one, that’s who. Why should I help the world of men now?

Gandalf: You can’t be serious. War is upon you.

Théoden: I haven’t heard anything about a war. All you said was that the world of men was to be overtaken; you said nothing about a war.

Aragorn: If you were to lead your men into war, I will ride with you. But you must decide soon. Now, in fact. Ride out to save Middle-Earth!

Théoden: Last time I checked, Théoden, not Aragorn was king of Rohan…

Éowyn: Will you not go to war, then, uncle?

Théoden: I don’t know. I think we must go to war.

Éowyn: Oh, can I come? Can I come? Please, can I come?

Théoden: No! You must stay here and take care of the people.

Aragorn: My king! You can’t let the people stay here. They will be killed.

Théoden: Fine, we’ll take them with us to Helms Deep.

Éowyn: Yeay!

Théoden: Háma, give word to all the people that we are to move to Helms Deep.

Narrator: And it was done. All the people of Edoras were taken to Helms Deep. After some time they stopped to get some food. Aragorn was sitting looking out over the land when Éowyn came up to him.

Éowyn: Some food? I have made it myself.

Aragorn: Thank you. *taste* *GAG*

Éowyn: Did you like it?

Aragorn: Mhm… Mmmmm…

Éowyn: It’s funny. My uncle says he remembers you from when he was young. That you travelled with his father. But that can not be. That would make you 70? 80?

Aragorn: *gulp* 87 actually.

Éowyn: Oh my… You’re old. I can’t believe I fell for you. Ehh…got to go.

Narrator: After they had eaten, they went on. On the way they were ambushed by some warg warriors, and brave Háma was killed. A warg attacked Aragorn, and it dragged him off a cliff. Hi, by the way.

Cliff: Hi.

Narrator: In the meantime Galadriel and Elrond had a serious conversation.

Galadriel: I amar prestar aen, han mathon ne nen, han mathon ne chae a han noston ned wilith. Hi, Elrond, how are you doing?

Elrond: Hi Galadriel, we are fine here, thank you. How are you?

Arwen: I feel pretty, oh so pretty. I feel pretty, and witty and bright. And I pity any elf who isn’t me tonight…

Elrond: Excuse me, Galadriel. Arwen, sweet daughter of mine, I love you more than words can say, but do you mind shutting up for a minute? I’m on the brain with your grand.

Arwen: Sorry, ada. I’ll be quiet.

Elrond: Thank you. Now, Galadriel, where were we?

Galadriel: I was about to complain about Haldir. He is still at it, shouting free the dishwasher at any chance he gets. I’m at my wits end.

Elrond: I think I know how to solve all your problems. Send Haldir and his gang to Helms Deep. Tell him some crock about the old alliance or some shit like that; I’m sure he’ll eat it raw.

Galadriel: What if he comes back?

Elrond: Oh, please! One million orcs, I’m sure I can bribe one of them into killing him.

Galadriel: Elrond, you’re a genius!

Elrond: Takes one to know one. But seriously, what am I going to do with Arwen and Aragorn?

Galadriel: Don’t do anything. Let them find out about this themselves.

Elrond: But she is my daughter.

Galadriel: And she is my grand daughter, but that doesn’t mean I love her any less. If you want her to go to Valinor, you have simply to let her decide. She will do the right thing. If you force her to go to Valinor, she will only want to stay back in Middle-Earth even more.

Elrond: You are sure of this? I was hoping this Aragorn thing was just a phase. A rebellious cry against me.

Galadriel: What are you afraid of?

Elrond: That she will die in pain.

Galadriel: She will. Either way. If you drag her kicking and screaming of to Valinor, she will die of a broken heart, and if we let her stay here, she will die too, only much, much later.

Elrond: You’re right.

Galadriel: I know. But I have to go now. I have to wash Celeborn’s clothes. Bye bye. Peace out!

Narrator: Legolas, Gimli, Théoden and the rest of the people outside Edoras had arrived at Helms Deep. As they entered the doors, Legolas’ cheerleaders came running up behind them.

Cheerleaders: We’ve got spirit…let’s hear it!

He’s tall and blond

He got it going on.

He’s sugary sweet

And he has got quick feet

He’s deadly with his bow

And his voice is low

What is his name?

L.E.G.O.L.A.S

Goooooo LEGOLAS!!!!!

Legolas: Hide me!!

Narrator: The tough Legolas said as he hid behind Éowyn. She shock her head and said…

Éowyn: Where is Aragorn? Don’t tell me you left him.

Gimli: He fell. He isn’t coming back.

Éowyn: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Gimli: I’m sorry. Did I say something wrong?

Narrator: Meantime by the river that Aragorn fell into.

Arwen: *whoosh whoosh* don’t mind me, Aragorn. I’m just a figment of your imagination. I just came to say that the grace of the Valar protects you or something. The message I received was all blurred out. *Smooch*

Aragorn: Ahh…Arwen…Hm…I have a sneaking suspicion that it is not Arwen kissing me. She doesn’t have horse breath. AH, BREGO!!!

Narrator: After Aragorn had scared Brego of and caught him again, he rode of towards Helms Deep. As he came to Helms Deep, he was greeted by a very angry Gimli.

Gimli: Let me at him. I’ll tare his eyes out. You are the most irresponsible, pig-headed, most lovable guy I have ever met. I have missed you, son.

Legolas: Le ab-dollen.

Éowyn: Aragorn, Aragorn. I can’t believe you are here. Oh, Aragorn.

Aragorn: Where is the king? I must speak with him.

Éowyn: Go ahead. You can’t ignore me forever!

Narrator: Now we go back to Frodo and Sam, and their new companion, Gollum. They were on their way to, surprise, surprise, the black gates. Gollum led the way followed by Sam and Frodo. Through the mountains they went and on to the field where the Martians passed.

Sam: This is a smelly, nasty bog. Why have you takes us here?

Gollum: Master says take him to black gate, and that is where we’ll take him. But to get there, we needs to go through nasty bog. Now remember; if you see a Martian, don’t look and don’t follow, especially if they are holding candles.

Narrator: They trudged along very carefully. Sam kept one eye out on Frodo and one on Gollum. He really didn’t trust that creature. Suddenly he realized that Frodo wasn’t following them, but walking his own way.

Sam: FRODO!

Narrator: He yelled, but there was no response from him. He kept walking straight ahead and finally he dropped head first into a smelly pool.

Sam: FRODO, NO!

Narrator: But it was too late.

Sam: You mean that we can’t save him? Is it all over? Can I go home now?

Narrator: No. Just watch. Frodo saw a lot of strange things in the water, and was almost out of breath when he felt a hand on his shoulder, and again it wasn’t Sam’s. When he was out of the water, he saw to his big surprise that it was Gollum.

Gollum: We tolds you not to follow the martians with candles. Now will you listen to us?

Narrator: They walked on and finally they got to the other side. And guess what…

Frodo: Oh no…more mountains.

Narrator: That’s right.

Frodo: You are just doing this to bug me, aren’t you?

Narrator: Yeah…I can be such a witch sometimes…They had been walking for ages and they were all equally hungry. They sat down in the shade of a tree and Sam started a fire and sent Gollum to catch two rabbits. After a few moments he came back with them. As Sam was preparing the rabbits he said

Sam: Now, go find some herbs.

Gollum: What are you going to those rabbitses?

Sam: Cook them of cause…what else? Eat them raw?

Gollum: Yes, yes…much better that way.

Sam: No way! Now, go find those herbs.

Gollum: I won’t go and find you stinking herbses…I just go.

Narrator: Gollum said and left.

Sam: Well, I guess I have to find herbses…eh…herbs myself.

Narrator: Sam went of and found the herbs he needed. When he came back he checked on Frodo who was sleeping.

Sam: Ah, Mr. Frodo. I’m so glad I came with you on this trip…I really am…

Gollum: Did you find your stinking herbses?

Narrator: Gollum had gotten back from wherever he had run of to, and now he was sitting and sulking over his two lost rabbits.

Sam: Instead of sitting there sulking, you can…

Narrator: Gollum turned his back to Sam in anger.

Sam: Look…I thank you for the rabbits, and now I need some potatoes.

Narrator: Gollum liked getting praise, so he turned around and looked at Sam. But he had never heard of…

Gollum: What is potatoes? Slippery like fish? Hairy like rabbits?

Sam: You know…potatoes??

Narrator: Gollum tilted his head and looked at Sam with a blank stare. Sam was getting annoyed.

Sam: Look…PO-tat-oes…po-TAT-oes…po-tat-OES!

Narrator: Sam couldn’t see any response from Gollum.

Sam: Little brown things that grow in the ground!

Gollum: Oh…potatoes…

Narrator: he said with a smile and as he turned away from him he said to himself…

Gollum: Silly little hobbit. Doesn’t know there are no such things as potatoes. And that cornfield they walked threw wasn’t even real. No such thing as corn yet. And there was most certainly not a car behind it…

Narrator: When the rabbit stew was done, Sam woke Frodo up.

Frodo: Sam, you’ve been cooking. What is it?

Sam: Oh, Boss. It’s some long ears Gollum caught for me.

Frodo: It’s simply delicious. Good boy, Sam.

Narrator: Sam’s ears turned bright red and he looked down.

After they had eaten they lay back and enjoyed the moment. Suddenly they felt the ground shake.

Sam: What was that?

Frodo: Probably just Gollum doing something stupid.

Sam: You’re right.

Narrator: But the shaking didn’t stop. In fact it was getting closer.

Frodo: Come on, Sam. Let’s see what it is.

Narrator: They crept up behind a hill and peeked out.

Sam: Oh, my stars, it’s an Oliphaunt.

Frodo: HUSH! Do you see the soldiers? It’s crawling with them.

Narrator: Suddenly a big battle erupted. Frodo and Sam watched it from afar. Meanwhile one of the soldiers had crept up on them from behind.

Soldier #1: HOLT! DON’T YOU MOVE!

Sam: O’boy! I think me stomach just moved.

Soldier #1 and Frodo: I can smell that…

Narrator: When the battle was over, the other soldiers gathered around them. One of them stepped up to them and looked at them long and hard. After some time he said…

Soldier #2: Who and what are you? Not orcs because they are ugly. And not elves, they don’t walk in Ithilien in these days. And besides…elves are wondrous fair to look upon.

Sam: Meaning we’re not, I take you. Thank you kindly. And when you’ve finished discussing us, perhaps you’ll say who you are, and why you can’t let two tired travellers rest.

Narrator: The man laughed grimly.

Soldier #2: I am Faramir, Captain of Gondor. But there are no travellers in this land: only the servants of the Dark Tower, or the White.

Frodo: But we are neither. And travellers we are, whatever Captain Faramir may say.

Narrator: Faramir looked very serious as he looked at them. All of a sudden he got a terrified look upon his face and he yelled…

Faramir: SQUIRRELS! SQUIRRELS!!!

Narrator: And then he ran hysterically away. After a while Faramir had calmed down and he gathered his men around him. He looked long at his men before he said…

Faramir: Are there anyone missing?

Narrator: …and looked around at his men again. Suddenly he exclaimed…

Faramir: OH MY GOD! THEY’VE KILLED KENNY!!!

Narrator: His soldiers looked at each other. This outrages behaviour was getting more and more frequent. Faramir gathered himself again and apologised. He gave orders to have Sam and Frodo bound and blindfolded, and then he led his men back to Sherwood Forest. Once there they started to laugh and sing.

All: We’re men… We’re men in tights… We roam around the forest looking for fights… We’re men; we’re men in tights… We rob from the rich and give to the poor, that’s right. We may look like sissies, but watch what you say or else we’ll put out your lights. We’re men, we’re men in tights. Always on guard protecting the peoples rights…

Frodo: How in Middle-Earth did we end up in Sherwood Forest? That narrator is really taking liberties here.

Sam: Best not to bad mouth her. I heard she wrote Gimli out.

Frodo: Well, we had better do something. We can’t stay here. We have to get back to Middle Earth. I had better talk to her. Excuse me, narrator lady. Can you please write us back to Middle Earth?

Narrator: Look at it this way… If you stay here, the Thing is safe.

Frodo: Yeah, but I really want to drop it in the cracks, you know.

Narrator: I understand. You want to honour your promise to Gandalf and Elrond, right?

Frodo: Something like that.

Narrator: Ok, your wish is my command. You’re back in Middle Earth… But don’t come crying to me when things don’t go your way!

Faramir gathered himself again and apologised. He gave orders to have Sam and Frodo bound and blindfolded, and then he led his men back to the hidden cave by the no-no pool. Once inside the cave, Frodo and Sam’s blindfolds were taken of.

Frodo: So, what do you want with us? We haven’t done anything wrong, so let us go.

Faramir: I beg to differ. We don’t like tourists. They always litter up the place and toss coins in the no-no pool. There is a reason it is called the no-no pool, you know.

Frodo: We haven’t heard of it before. We don’t even know where this no-no pool is. I’m sure we hadn’t come this way. But we’ll never know now, right?

Faramir: That’s a chance we couldn’t take. You must have a very good reason to get out of here alive.

Sam: How about: He has a Thing that the enemy wants. If the enemy gets his hands on it, Middle Earth is done for. No more no-no pools and Ithilien. Even Gondor will be gone. Think about that.

Faramir: I’ll say. We’d better let you go then.

Narrator: And so Frodo and Sam were set free. Before they walked out of the cave Faramir had one last word with them.

Faramir: All I wanted to say was that you had better be careful. There are many perils out there, even in the smallest and most unlikely packages. Like that creature that tags along with you. I trust him as long as I can fling an oliphaunt. Be careful, you carry the fate of us all, little one.

Frodo: One question before we leave. Do you have a brother that goes under the name Boromir, by any chance?

Faramir: Yes, do you know him?

Frodo: Why, yes. We left Rivendell together along with some other people…and an elf…and a dwarf…

Faramir: You were friends then?

Frodo: Yes, for my part, besides when he tried to take the Thing from me. Other than that I saw him as a friend.

Faramir: It would grieve you then to learn that he is dead?

Frodo: Boromir is dead?? Oh, the horror, the horror. How are we going to manage this task without Boromir?

Faramir: You can stop now. It isn’t that tragic. He lives in my memories. Now, be of. Farewell, Thing bearer.

Frodo: Farewell, brave Faramir. May you road be long and fruitful.

Faramir: Live long, and prosper.

Narrator: And so Frodo and Sam walked out of the cave, and walked towards the Black Gates. When they finally got there, after picking up Gollum on the way, they realised that going through them would be impossible, if they really wanted to be unnoticed. They were in dire straits.

Frodo: That’s it, Sam. We’re done for. Let’s go home.

Sam: That can’t be it. There must be another way. Gollum, you have been here before, do you know of another way?

Gollum: NO! I don’t know anything. This is the only way…as far as I know.

Sam: No, you know something. I can read you, Gollum. You are lying.

Gollum: Not lying…just bending the truth.

Frodo and Sam: Gollum!!

Gollum: Ok, we know of another way, and yes, we will take you there. Follow us… have you ever heard of something called mapses?? They are quite useful, you know. Dragging poor Gollum into who knows what…

Narrator: Oh darn. I have let the story go to far. I should have cut you of ages ago. What do I do now?

Frodo: How about saying The End on our chapter and go over to the others, that way we don’t have to jump back and forwards all the time.

Narrator: Good idea. Thanks. And on that note, we go over to Helm Deep where a battle beyond all compare will take place in a short time. King Théoden had ordered all men that were old enough to take up arms and go to war. Legolas, who is such a sensitive soul, was dead set against it.

Legolas: They are all going to die. There will be non left to defend the ruins of Rohan.

Aragorn: Would you mind shutting up? If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

Gimli: What is that noise?

Legolas: It is a horn…an elven horn.

Narrator: And he was right. Haldir and his merry men came just in time.

Gamling: Open the gates.

Gatekeeper: Well, dah!

Haldir: Long ago men and elves had an alliance, now we are here to honour that alliance. We are honoured to stand alongside men once more.

Aragorn: Haldir, you are most welcome.

Narrator: And so the waiting started. Time passed slowly, and everybody thought that the orc army had taken a wrong turn somewhere. And then they finally came.

Théoden: Gamling, I need you to translate all the elven gibberish that will be flying around here.

Gamling: Yes, sire. I will be glad to.

Aragorn: Hino Ilúvatar. Dail ú-chyn. Ú-danno i failad a thi; an úben tannatha le failad.

Gamling: Children of Ilúvatar. Show them no mercy, for you shell receive none.

Théoden: Good. That’s very good, Gamling.

Legolas: Hain di na lanc a nu ranc!

Gamling: Their armour is weak at the neck and beneath the arm.

Théoden: I did not know that.

Aragorn: Ok, everybody. Ready the arrows.

Narrator: And to ad to the suspense, I am going to be a real bitch and have one of the old men fire an arrow at the orcs.

Man#1: Ops!

Aragorn: Dartho!

Gamling: Hold!

Théoden: I kind of got that.

Narrator: He he. And this made the orcs very mad, and so they attacked.

Aragorn: Leithio i philinn!

Gamling: Release the arrows!

Théoden: You don’t say. Well, that’s it. The battle for Middle Earth has started.

Narrator: The battle was on indeed. The orcs stormed the outside wall, and it seemed as though they wouldn’t get through. But they had an ace up their sleeves. They had…

Aragorn: Pendraid!

Gamling: Ladders sire.

Théoden: I can see that.

Narrator: But that was not all. There was one orc who came running with some kind of torch. He was running towards the hole under the wall. Aragorn saw this and shouted…

Aragorn: Dago han! Dago han, Legolas! Dago han!

Gamling: Bring him down! Bring him down, Legolas! Bring him down!

Théoden: You only have to say it once, you know. I’m not stupid.

Narrator: Legolas hurled himself onto the wall and fired arrow after arrow at the orc, but he hit it to late. There was a sudden explosion, and the wall fell into rubble. Dramatic isn’t it? Our team was now gathered on one side of a small pool, and the losers were on the other side of it. The orcs lowered their spears and awaited an attack. Aragorn gathered his men around him and shouted…

Aragorn: Herio!

Gamling: Charge!

Théoden: No kidding.

Narrator: Everybody threw themselves into the battle. Gimli and Legolas had kind of a contest going on to see who could kill the most orcs. Now they were side by side and fighting at their hearts delights. But the masses of orcs were too much for them. Aragorn realized that they were too few.

Aragorn: Am Marad! Am Marad! Haldir, am Marad!

Gamling: To the Keep! To the…well you get the idea, sire.

Théoden: Yes, thank you.

Narrator: Haldir looked at Aragorn and nodded his head. All of a sudden there stood a huge orc behind him and drove his sword into poor Haldir’s back.

Haldir Fans, who have read the book: HALDIR, NOOOOOOOoooooooooo!!!!! He isn’t supposed to die like that!!!!

Haldir fans,who have not read the book: What are you on about????

Narrator: Well, it’s not my fault, Haldir fans. I didn’t intend this… He was supposed to live. *sobs* What is this?

Orc: This is for calling us orcs losers!

Narrator: Luckily Aragorn came storming up the stairs to where Haldir was, and cut the head of the nasty orc right of his neck. HA! And so poor Haldir died, looking at his fallen friends. Let us take a minute to calm down here. *Phu*… The rest of the good guys ran to the Keep as the orcs smashed up the Gate door. Théoden asked Aragorn, who had come to help, if he could hold the orcs for a bit.

Aragorn: How long do you need?

Théoden: As long as you can give me.

Narrator: Aragorn took Gimli with him to a side door that went out to the outside to the left of the Gate Bridge. There there was a large cleft that they had to jump over.

Aragorn: What shall we do? It is a long jump.

Gimli: Toss me, big boy! And tell the elf. He must try it!

Narrator: Aragorn tossed Gimli into battle against the orcs. They fought bravely, and after some time, Théoden called them back. Legolas cast a rope to them, and Aragorn grabbed Gimli and climbed it. Once inside they ran to the Keep and the King.

Théoden: What do we do now, just sit and wait?

Aragorn: No, sire. We must fight. Let us ride out together, as one final hurrah.

Théoden: You are right. Let this be the hour that we draw swords together. Let the horn of Helm Hammerhand sound one last time.

Aragorn: Very good. And it is sunrise soon, so that is really helping the odds.

Gimli: Ok, I’ll go blow the horn, then.

Théoden: Now for wrath, now for ruin and the red dawn! FORTH EORLINGAS!

Narrator: As Gimli was blowing his horn, the rest of the rest of the army rode out to meet the orcs. They fought bravely, and soon the sun rose up over the small hill and there was Gandalf, and with him was Éomer and his merry men.

Éomer: We came just in time, it seems. Let’s fight! ROHIRRIM, TO THE KING!!

Narrator: And the battle went on and was won.

Gimli: Hey, Legolas. How many orcs did you get?

Legolas: I got 39!

Gimli: He he. I beat you by one. I got 40!

Narrator: Legolas didn’t like this and got mad at Gimli. He fired an arrow between Gimli’s legs.

Gimli: Hey, what are you doing? He is already dead.

Legolas: I wasn’t aiming at him.

Gandalf: This was but a taste of what is to come. The battle for Middle Earth has begun. Who knows what perils lay ahead?

Narrator: He is right. Who knows what is to come. We will find out in the next and final chapter of Lord of the Things.

Pippin: Hey, wait a minute. We’re in this too, you know. Have you forgotten about us?

Narrator: No, but I can’t juggle three stories at once. I thought that I would tell all about you when you meet Aragorn and the rest in the next bit. Cool?

Merry: No, not cool. Here we slave and work to give you a really good story and you don’t use us. I don’t want to be stuck in Fangorn Forest all night. This place gives me the creeps.

Narrator: Listen, I promise to give a very good story about the two of you in the next chapter, ok? Your story will be told. I will tell all about the ent water, the ent moot and the destroying of Isengard. Don’t worry.

Pippin: Ok. We except. But it had better be damn good.

Narrator: I’ll do my very best. Now, I leave you all now with a mental picture of Aragorn, Gandalf, Théoden, Éomer, Gimli, Legolas and the rest riding onwards to their next adventure.

The End.