***SPOILER***
What can I say about the movie?
It’s a valid attempt. They had some great actors in it. Some were easily recognized, some not so much. Like Anthony Hopkins, Angelina Jolie, John Malcovich and of course Brandon Gleeson (Mad Eye Moody)
I have no idea who Beowulf is… the actor, that is… not the myth… well.. I don’t know who he is either.. lol.. well, I kinda know.. but not much… anyways…
Alls I know about Beowulf is that he talks funny. Yes, I have seen it before, but only partly. I saw the beginning one night but had to go to bed and almost all of it a day or so later, but was watching something else too, so I didn’t get to see it all…. However I feel I’ve seen enough… and I’m watching it now, so…. But yeah.. Beowulf… weird accent when he’s excited/angry. I think I read somewhere that the guy playing him is from Wales, but I’m not holding that against him. However, when he screams “I WILL KILL YOUR MONSHTAH” I must be allowed to object somewhat… or break down laughing… because it is a little ridiculus.
Grendal is the bad guy in this tale… kind of… not by his own making, but because people see him as a bad guy just because he’s different. Just like dragons are evil just because they breath fire… PSH!
I guess what really bugs me about this movie is that it could have been so much better if the details, like lips and eyes, were better made. The only eyes that were great, in my eyes, were the queens. Eyes don’t react to light and the lips seem flat.
I just noticed that a poor girl looks like she has a sheet of glass down her front, because her boobs are flat when she leans forward, and normal boobs don’t do that… And Beowulf’s three expressions seems to be shock, puzzlement and rage…
Anyways, Angelina, as we all know, have full lips. In this movie they seem to disappear at times. Another thing is… this movie is set in Denmark. The kingdom where this all takes place is surrounded by mountains. Denmark has ONE mountain…and it’s about 140 some meters tall… and I don’t know if that can be called a mountain…
Back to Grendal. He attacks the village because they are making too much noise. they are basically the neighbors from hell. After kicking, smashing, ripping and spearing loads of people, the king tries to get him to attack, but Grendal knows better and goes on his merry way. The kingdom is in dire need of a hero, and this is where Beowulf comes into the picture. After he arrives and some hassling from one of the dudes, Unferth, they finally get down to MONSHTAH killing business. While Beowulf takes a nap, in the nude, the rest of his crew starts to sing…badly… so it’s no wonder Grendal attacks again. Poor Grendal has a deformed ear, so everything he hears gets bumped up x10. No wonder he’s in a bad mood. And there’s something weird about his blood. When he attacked the kingdom the first time his blood was red, in this attack his blood is orange and slime looking. Anyway… Beowulf attacks, still nude and shit blocks the view EVERY TIME!!!! and gets kicked back. But he discovered the ear thing and attacks again, this time punching his ear. You can’t help but feel sorry for Grendal… and his old English tongue ^_^
Beowulf wins by ripping the arm of Grendal and stupid as he is he boasts about who he is to the MONSHTAH… so that he can tell all his friends just in case they would like to seek revenge…
Grendal goes home and dies in his mothers arms (Angelina) and she gets pissed off…
The ones who was killed by Grendal there is a funeral fit for heroes, and for Beowulf there is gratitude, gold and mead. And then he tells everyone about how he killed the MONSHTAH. Meanwhile Grendals mother lay him to rest, mourn him and gets even more pissed off. She slips into the village, seduces Beowulf in his dreams and turns into a scary looking MONSHTAH making him wake up to discover that all his mean, save Wiglaf (Mad Eye Moody), is dead.
At first they think it’s Grendal who has regrown his arm and killed them, but the king tells them that it was his mother, Grendal’s mother, that is…
So… Beowulf sets of to get Grendal’s mother, but instead of her head he gets a deal. “If you give me a son, I will make you a king. But you’ll only be king for as long as this gold gauntlet is in my halls.”
Beowulf eagerly agrees, goes back, happy as can be, telling everyone how he killed the MONSHTAH and all that.
The king has his suspicions about the true story, realises that he can’t win, tells everyone that when he dies, everything will go to Beowulf and then jumps of the tower. Beowulf gets crowned pretty hastily, and the queen is all “YEY!! I’m FINALLY gonna get laid!”
Many years pass and some twit returns to the king with the gauntlet and suddenly shit starts to happen. A dragon starts to attack people and things, and Beowulf has to kill that MONSHTAH too. He eventually manages to kill the dragon but in the prosess dies too, but not before making Wiglaf the new king.
At he watches Beowulf’s funeral boat fire thingie he spots Grendal’s mother come towards him with the gold gauntlet…
Let’s hope he is made of stronger stuff…
End of the movie…
One thing that strikes me when I watch it is that I expect Angelina to say “Alexander the Great” when she’s talking.. lol
What I love about the movie is how well they made everything else.. The dragon, the nature, smoke, pebble son the beach, water and how Grendal’s mother melt into the decor of the ceiling of her cave.
Even though they didn’t do all that well with eyes and lips, they did the rest very very well..
I can’t say that the movie is interesting enough to watch more than once, and now I’ve endured it two and a half times…
All to make you a review…
I hope you’re fucking happy…
