Category Archives: Adventure

Dracula Untold *SPOILERS*

So, in his spare time, Bard from “The Hobbit” is moonlighting as a prince. And he takes Turks. I don’t blame him. I have yet to hear of one that can be trusted.

So Vlad the Impaler gets in trouble with the Turks who wants his boys, every boy in his country, to fight for them. And weaved into the tapestry of history there is something dark.

I’m afraid that all I’ll take away from this movie is “Never trust a Turk” and they are greedy bastards. No, not just back in the day. Now, too.  Go on, prove me wrong. Make my mothers deadbeat boyfriend go to Turkey and sell her apartment… like he said he would AGES AGO!!! All this without bitching and moaning about not having money. Go on. Prove me wrong! Need more examples? How about her first Turkish boyfriend who admitted to only wanting to marry her so he could get a green card. How about the next one? The one that physically attacked her and then gladly took things of hers that were valuable. I guess you could call that stealing. So why didn’t she call the police? Would you? They aren’t trustworthy either. So please. Prove me wrong.

Enough of them for now, though. One plus to the movie. Charles Dance is in it. He is the Master Vampire. It is somewhat difficult to see under all the make-up, but it’s him. He is a great bad guy.

OK, so Vlad drank the blood of Master after he gave him a story about how, if he managed to go three days without drinking blood, he’d go back to his old self. And then, after he has drunk the blood he asks “What now?” and the Master says “You die…”. Does that mean that if he does manage to not drink blood he’ll die since he’s already dead? So many questions.

And he can turn into a flock of bats.. I get serious Van Helsing vibes from Vlad. They should have called the movie Van Dracula vs The Turks instead.
It started out as a nice story. Now it’s just meh. It just turned very meh. And we’re not even halfway.
No! No no no no!! It’s supposed to be the CANINE TEETH!!! Not the incisors! I hate it when they get that wrong. Why did they shy away from canine teeth? There’s a reason they are pointy.. and there’s a reason incisors are NOT pointy. They are for cutting.. canines are for puncturing! GAH!! When did they stop doing that? Is it all Vampire Diaries fault? Ugh. Such rage. It looks STUPID!!!!
And they got the impaling wrong too. It was a punishment and the person being impaled was impaled through the arse, thought the body and out the neck. Of course I don’t know if that was practiced on the battlefield in the middle of a war. I’ve forgotten a lot of the story about Vlad. I know he was taken by the Turks when he was a kid. But I can’t remember if the Turks taught him the art of impaling.
And they are using, seemingly, Lord of the Rings surplus swords. Good thing nothing goes to waste.
300 got nothing on Vlad.
OK! Plot twist.
Vlad turns everyone into vampires. Didn’t see that one coming.
So, the Turks are beaten and Vlad kills “his people” by making the sun come out (because Dracula has the power to make it cloudy).
But Vlad is then saved by his human servant.
Cut to modern day. Vlad finds Mina, the spitting image of his dead wife. And Charles Dance looking gorgeous in a suit. I thought Master Vampire was supposed to die or something when Vlad drank blood. Or was that just to release him from the cave he was in. Oh well…
He says something about games and to let them begin. Will there be yet another Dracula movie?
I hope not.
Let’s just say that I’ve shied away from vampire things of late. They aren’t good. They don’t get the teeth thing right and that pisses me off. I’ll stick to Hammer vampires and Coppola’s Dracula. Those were good ones.
But that said. The acting was good and all. Story was good. Everything was OK. But I don’t know.. It didn’t keep me on tenterhooks. It was just there and yeah. 5/10
Unless you’re really into vampires and don’t care about the teeth, watch it.

Beowulf, a Lene movie review


What can I say about the movie?
It’s a valid attempt. They had some great actors in it. Some were easily recognized, some not so much. Like Anthony Hopkins, Angelina Jolie, John Malcovich and of course Brandon Gleeson (Mad Eye Moody)
I have no idea who Beowulf is… the actor, that is… not the myth… well.. I don’t know who he is either.. lol.. well, I kinda know.. but not much… anyways…
Alls I know about Beowulf is that he talks funny. Yes, I have seen it before, but only partly. I saw the beginning one night but had to go to bed and almost all of it a day or so later, but was watching something else too, so I didn’t get to see it all…. However I feel I’ve seen enough… and I’m watching it now, so…. But yeah.. Beowulf… weird accent when he’s excited/angry. I think I read somewhere that the guy playing him is from Wales, but I’m not holding that against him. However, when he screams “I WILL KILL YOUR MONSHTAH” I must be allowed to object somewhat… or break down laughing… because it is a little ridiculus.
Grendal is the bad guy in this tale… kind of… not by his own making, but because people see him as a bad guy just because he’s different. Just like dragons are evil just because they breath fire… PSH!
I guess what really bugs me about this movie is that it could have been so much better if the details, like lips and eyes, were better made. The only eyes that were great, in my eyes, were the queens. Eyes don’t react to light and the lips seem flat.
I just noticed that a poor girl looks like she has a sheet of glass down her front, because her boobs are flat when she leans forward, and normal boobs don’t do that… And Beowulf’s three expressions seems to be shock, puzzlement and rage…
Anyways, Angelina, as we all know, have full lips. In this movie they seem to disappear at times. Another thing is… this movie is set in Denmark. The kingdom where this all takes place is surrounded by mountains. Denmark has ONE mountain…and it’s about 140 some meters tall… and I don’t know if that can be called a mountain…
Back to Grendal. He attacks the village because they are making too much noise. they are basically the neighbors from hell. After kicking, smashing, ripping and spearing loads of people, the king tries to get him to attack, but Grendal knows better and goes on his merry way. The kingdom is in dire need of a hero, and this is where Beowulf comes into the picture. After he arrives and some hassling from one of the dudes, Unferth, they finally get down to MONSHTAH killing business. While Beowulf takes a nap, in the nude,  the rest of his crew starts to sing…badly… so it’s no wonder Grendal attacks again. Poor Grendal has a deformed ear, so everything he hears gets bumped up x10.  No wonder he’s in a bad mood. And there’s something weird about his blood. When he attacked the kingdom the first time his blood was red, in this attack his blood is orange and slime looking. Anyway… Beowulf attacks, still nude and shit blocks the view EVERY TIME!!!! and gets kicked back. But he discovered the ear thing and attacks again, this time punching his ear.  You can’t help but feel sorry for Grendal… and his old English tongue ^_^
Beowulf wins by ripping the arm of Grendal and stupid as he is he boasts about who he is to the MONSHTAH… so that he can tell all his friends just in case they would like to seek revenge…
Grendal goes home and dies in his mothers arms (Angelina) and she gets pissed off…
The ones who was killed by Grendal there is a funeral fit for heroes, and for Beowulf there is gratitude, gold and mead. And then he tells everyone about how he killed the MONSHTAH. Meanwhile Grendals mother lay him to rest, mourn him and gets even more pissed off. She slips into the village, seduces Beowulf in his dreams and turns into a scary looking MONSHTAH making him wake up to discover that all his mean, save Wiglaf (Mad Eye Moody), is dead.
At first they think it’s Grendal who has regrown his arm and killed them, but the king tells them that it was his mother, Grendal’s mother, that is…
So… Beowulf sets of to get Grendal’s mother, but instead of her head he gets a deal. “If you give me a son, I will make you a king. But you’ll only be king for as long as this gold gauntlet is in my halls.”
Beowulf eagerly agrees, goes back, happy as can be, telling everyone how he killed the MONSHTAH and all that.
The king has his suspicions about the true story, realises that he can’t win, tells everyone that when he dies, everything will go to Beowulf and then jumps of the tower. Beowulf gets crowned pretty hastily, and the queen is all “YEY!! I’m FINALLY gonna get laid!”
Many years pass and some twit returns to the king with the gauntlet and suddenly shit starts to happen. A dragon starts to attack people and things, and Beowulf has to kill that MONSHTAH too. He eventually manages to kill the dragon but in the prosess dies too, but not before making Wiglaf the new king.
At he watches Beowulf’s funeral boat fire thingie he spots Grendal’s mother come towards him with the gold gauntlet…
Let’s hope he is made of stronger stuff…
End of the movie…

One thing that strikes me when I watch it is that I expect Angelina to say “Alexander the Great” when she’s talking.. lol
What I love about the movie is how well they made everything else.. The dragon, the nature, smoke, pebble son the beach, water and how Grendal’s mother melt into the decor of the ceiling of her cave.
Even though they didn’t do all that well with eyes and lips, they did the rest very very well..
I can’t say that the movie is interesting enough to watch more than once, and now I’ve endured it two and a half times…
All to make you a review…
I hope you’re fucking happy…

Dr. Who and the Daleks

I felt it was time to do a new movie review… And I’m quite sure people haven’t seen this one..
It was made in 1965, and before I started to watch it, I have to say that I didn’t used to be a Dr Who watcher until I saw the Doctor who was before David Tennant, Mr Christopher Eccleston…. who, in my mind, was the best Doctor ever… Why they killed him off, I have no idea… AND EDDIE IZZARD WAS ROBBED!!! HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE NEW DOCTOR AFTER DAVID!!!! *cough*Well… he was the reason I started watching Dr Who and when I saw the Sci Fi channel was airing Dr Who, I started to watch…. some….. (we’re up to the 80’s now…)
Anyways… the movie was made in 1965, and I was hoping that one of the old Doctors would be the Doctor… but no such luck… instead we got Giff MaulGrand Riff….Grand Moff Tarkin (Peter Cushing)… a little younger, yet still old looking… make-up is a wonderful thing…

Anyway… here’s the plot:
Based on a story from the BBC TV serial “Doctor Who”. Scientist Dr. Who accidentally activates his new invention, the Tardis, a time machine disguised as a police telephone box. Dr. Who, his two grand-daughters, and Barbara’s boyfriend Ian are transported through time and space to the planet Skaro, where a peaceful race of Thals are under threat of nuclear attack from the planet’s other inhabitants: the robotic mutant Daleks.

There were loads of things that bugged me when I started watching this movie…
True, the Doctor had a grand-daughter and she was Barbara’s age… but that’s where all the similarities between the BBC thing and this Americanized movie ends… well… they got the Daleks right too…
For some reason Doctor Who lives in England… not that there’s anything wrong with that, but you have remember that the Doctor is an alien… with two hearts… and he’s from Galifrey… And seeing as he’s a Time Lord, they were given Tardis’ there…
So yeah… they royally fucked that up… They didn’t even get the Tardis sound right…
But special effects were kinda good… I didn’t really think that lava lamps were in, decor wise, on Skaro…

I have to admit I had to have a lot of patiance watching it…
Reason is… one of my least favorite things were in the movie… hysterical screaming women…
Yeah, I really hate it… I’m the kind of woman that’s cheering for the bad guy when there’s a hysterical screaming woman in the movie. Texas Chainsaw Massacre… I was hoping the dude would slice her up so that we’d be safe from her intolerable screaming…
Same with Cujo… If I could I’d help the dog get inside the car… well… truth be told.. it was an hysterical screaming child in that one… but still… it’s annoying and SOOOO unnecessary…

If you have 82 minutes to kill, go a head and watch it…
It’s not the worst movie in the world, but it helps if you know nothing about Dr Who… Then it’s actually kinda interesting.. But if you know, then you’ll find yourself screaming at the TV because of all the errors.
One of hem being the Daleks is far too easy to kill…. And they weren’t as argumentative as they usually are…

I think I’ve covered it all…. *shrug*


I really think…

Mood: Slightly pissed
Listening to: Nothing at the moment…

Good morning.
I went to the unemployment office today to clear some things up… Like if I were to go to the follow-up course, if I have to pay back the money the unemployment office over payed me… twice…
So I went there, talked to some guy, and I don’t think he understood me. He went to talk to some other person who came back and I don’t think he understood me either. How hard is it to understand that I was going to a follow-up couse before christmas and I want to know if I still attend the course, because it said on the note I got from them back in August last year that it was 4 weeks course and 6 months follow-up… and it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that august to december is NOT 6 months… So they said I didn’t have a course to go to.. even though I think they misunderstood everything… so I didn’t go today. If I get yelled at got it, I’ll blame them. The follow-up thingie is supposed to end in february or march… They need to figure things out down there… seriously… So the guy finally said that I had a meeting with my caseworker next week to figure everything out. Oh… and I now have yet a new caseworker… *sighs*
I showed the guy the money thingie and told him that I was sure I got too much money from them, and he looked at the email the person I talked to about it way back in november of last year wrote to the person who was going to figure out of I had gotten too much money or not,  and just handed it back and said that I had to talk with my caseworker about it, after I had asked if I should talk to her about it. He didn’t even tryyyyy…

I’m so disappointed, yet not surprised at all.  I just really want this over and done with…

Over to something a little more fun… :3
Camilla and I went shopping on tuesday… I finally got two pairs of pants, really cool XD and I love them deeply…
And I got new Hello Kitty socks. Bright pink/black, bright pink, black and black/white striped, black/red and black with red hearts… and I got leg warmers… I kinda look like a dancer now… and some how so very not…
And I got a bamboo steamer… I so wanted one for so many years… and finally I found one.. XD AAAND chinese five spice… So now I can start making my peking duck XD
I got almost everything I need… The only thing I’m missing is vinegar, dry cherry and honey… I’ve also decided that I’ll be making the over-long-period-of-time duck… It’ll take me hours and hours, but I bet it’ll be worth it…
AND Camilla and I were followed by Totoro yesterday. No matter where we went, there he was.
and if I knew how, I’ll paste a picture of him here…. but since I still don’t know how to do it, it’ll have to wait.


But now I’m going to play me some Zomg… I really like that game.. even though some people are ruining it for everyone else.. but hey.. I guess this is true with all online games…



Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

This was the movie that made me interested in Harry Potter… or rather… the whole wizarding world… and I think you’ll see along the way just what made me interested… ^_^
Anyways… here be spoilers…

It all starts with… me changing from Norwegian voices to English.
So… clouds… loads of them… and the WB emblem hovering in the air only to give away to the title. The view widens from the clouds to a view of Surrey and then panning in to Private Drive. And then to number ? Private Drive and up to a bedroom… Oh… Harry got a bedroom now… How nice of his aunt and uncle. Harry is sitting at his desk looking at pictures of his parents and his friends, and in her cage, Hedwig is being an ass. From downstairs Uncle Vernon calls the troops together. Then he yells at Harry for a bit to get that ruddy bird of his quiet and then starts to instruct the rest about how to act when people come over. (Petunia was better looking in the Super Mario Bros. movie…) Harry knows he has to be quiet like a really quiet thing, of Uncle Vernon will sit on him as punishment, and that WOULD be horrible. He walks back up to his room and WTF??? THING JUMPING ON HIS BED!!!
It turns out that this thing is a house elf and his name is Dobby. He tells Harry he mustn’t go back to Hoggies or something bad will happen. (which is kind of the plot… kinda…. But the darn house elf won’t talk… so… KILL DOBBY!) Harry asks what will happen, but Dobby won’t say and starts to smash his own head in. Gawd, no wonder Harry/Daniel is crap in these scenes. It must be hard to talk to something that’s not there. But then they should have good experience with Emma… <.<
Anyways… Dobby makes a great deal about how this is the plot and still won’t say… not even when he produces the letters he has stolen from Harry before he even got them will Harry kill the ratchet thing!  Dobby runs out of the bedroom and downstairs levitates a cake magically and drops it on the head of Uncle Vernon’s guest… see… you should have killed it, Harry…
Uncle Vernon puts bars on Harry’s window as a result.
That night, I think… they aren’t too specific with time here… a flying car appears outside the window, and in the drivers seat is Fred… or George… and with them, Ron. They take Harry back to their place, The Burrow, where Harry sees many strange things. And he realizes… Harry <3 magic.
Then out of the blue mother Weasley appears, shouting her head off, making the boys, save Harry, feel like crap. (I think she might be bi-polar)
Ginny comes down, while they are eating breakfast, sees Harry and runs back up… Ginny <3 Harry.
Father Weasley comes home and is dumb. He, of all people, should know who Harry Potter is, seeing as there is a past and stuff.
Then a dumb owl flies into the window and they are off to Diagon Alley to get what they need for school. They will go by Floo Powder. Ron goes first and says it quite clearly “Diagon Alley” yet, Harry manages to somehow mishear this and says “Diagonally” instead *slaps forehead*. He ends up at the wrong side of Diagon Alley town, in a shop… the name escapes me right now… but it has loads of cool stuff… Harry manages to get out of the shop without breaking anything and runs into Hagrid, who takes him to the right place where they meet ARGH!!! HAIRY BEAST… oh, it’s Hermione (actually less hairy, but more alive caterpillar eyebrows). Hagrid leaves them and Hermione drags Harry to the book store, Florish and Blots, where the rest of the Weasley’s are waiting. They see the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher there, Gilderoy Lockhart, who is a pompous
git, really. In the rafters Draco Malfoy is looming, he then decides to verbally abuse the Weasley’s. Enter *fan girl squee* LUCIUS MALFOY!!! Draco’s dad, and all around sneaky guy… (EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE <3 <3 <3) Misses everything he says, and everyone else, especially Hermione. *drools*
(wakes up from Lucius induced coma when Harry and Ron gets the shit kicked out of them by the Whomping Willow at Hogwarts.
 *sighs* >w< Snape catches them, gives them hell, but Dumbledore saves them from being expelled… whatever… <3 Grrr…. give em hell, Snapie poo…
First class next day/first day is Herbology. They have to re-pot mandrakes. Blah blah blah STFU, HERMIONE!!!
And then lunch.
Ron, who broke his wand knocking it against the steering wheel of the car trying to make it stop, is trying to mend it with magical tape. But they all get interrupted by mail call, and Ron, who is ever so lucky, gets a howler from his mother.
Next, Defence Against the Dark Arts… Enter Gilderoy Lockhart with his *wink-tooth-ping* dazzlin’ da ladies… And he is… basically… full of himself, and he stupidly releases Cornish Pixies… oh no… the horror… <.<
Neville gets hung up in the chandelier, Lockhart scarpers and Hermione saves the day… AS ALWAYS!
Then Quidditch… or… for Slytherin anyway. Ron tries to curse Draco for calling Hermione a Mudblood which backfires and he vomits slugs. They take him to Hagrids place just in case he has some anti-slug vomiting potion at his place… cause everyone knows his wand backfires all the time… <.< especially since he doesn’t have one… officially…
Harry being… Harry, asks what the heck a Mudblood is, and Hagrid explains… well, Hermione explains, really, but she doesn’t count. And he, Hagrid, comforts Hermione and stuff… I don’t know why he even bothers, cause YOU ARE A MUDBLOOD, HERMIONE!
Harry has detention with Lockhart, for the flying-a-car-to-school-and-crash-it-into-a-tree thing, and as they sign autographs, Harry starts hearing voices. After detention is done he runs into Ron and Hermione and tells them all about it… (Don’t over act, Emma… It’s like… attack of the giant caterpillar eyebrows… glad I didn’t watch it on a wide screen TV… jeesh!)
They walk along and find a message in the wall… along with a petrified Mrs Norris.  The message reads along the lines of “The Chamber of Secrets has been reopened. Enemies of the heir beware” and everyone thinks Harry did it. Although, that in itself is daft! Anyways. Mr. Filtch sees his petrified cat and blames Harry, the rest of the teaching staff arrives, Lockhart sees the petrified cat and gushes about how, if he had been there, could have saved the cat and as Mr Filtch wants to see harry hanged, Snape (!!!! O.O) defends Harry. Harry and the other two are sent on their marry way, and Hermione says it’s not good, even for wizards, to hear voices… *slaps*
Transfiguration next morning, I think… Hermione asks Professor McGonagall about the Chamber, and she tells the story. And I can’t be bothered to go into it here. If you haven’t watched the movie, then you probably haven’t lived…
On the trios way to wherever, they talk about the possibilities of who the heir of Slytherin is. Ron thinks Draco, but Hermione soon blows out that theory, but she does come up with a cunning plan… like… make polyjuice potion to change into Crabbe and Goyle so that they can question Draco without him suspecting anything.
QUIDDITCH MATCH!!! Gryffindor versus Slytherin.
*wants to fast forward*
Boooring… OH!!! *fan girl squeeeee*
LUCIUS!!!! <3 <3 <3
*wakes up from Lucius induced coma as Harry manhandles Dobby in the hospital wing after having his arm de-boned by Lockhart.  Dobby disappears as Dumbledore along with McGonagall enters with a petrified student. Harry overhears Dumbledore say that the Chamber has indeed been re-opened.
The trio are in the girl’s bathroom on the third floor, I think, where no one goes because of Moaning Myrtle, the really annoying, high pitched shrieking ghost. And they make the potion there because of her… and no one ever goes into that bathroom… according to Hermione, that is…
Then they have Duelling Club, hosted by Lockhart and Snape, the magical duo… During this fun stuff, Harry finds out he’s a parcel mouth (can talk to snakes… as he already knew…) and everything thinks he’s the heir of Slytherin… STFU HERMIONE!
Later, while everyone is scared of him, Harry decides to go to the common room where no one will be ogling him annoyingly, and while on the way there he bumps into a petrified Nearly Headless Nick and some guy… *shrugs*
Mr Filtch catches Harry and runs to McGonagall to tell on him, and she in turns takes Harry to Dumbledore’s office. While there Fawkes, Dumbledore’s bird, catches on fire, and it in turn makes Harry very upset. Dumbledore tells him that he did nothing wrong, that Phoenix’s burn, are reborn from the ashes and so on. And then there was something about Dumbledore wanting to know if Harry was wondering about something, but he wasn’t, so no biggie.
Suddenly the snow is falling and Christmas has come around. The Polyjuice potion is done and the trio are planning nifty ways to get Crabbe and Goyle out of the way so that they can take their clothes etc. Hermione cleverly uses cupcakes…. with sleeping draft….
[rant]Like… when you go to a magic school, I would think that if you find floating food, you would refrain from eating it, seeing as no one knows what exactly is inside it… How stupid can you get??? [/rant]. That done, they take the potion, change, do their thing, find out nothing special, go back to Hermione, who didn’t follow Ron and Harry, who turns out to have turned into a cat… =^_^=  and she is then taken to hospital.
Ron and Harry are discussing her while walking up a flight of stair and find a flood, which leads to Harry finding a diary. And the moaning ghost chick is still annoying.
Harry writes in the diary and is taken 50 years back in time to when the Chamber was last opened and finds the owner of the diary… *rawr* Tom Marvolo Riddle. He, turns out, wasn’t such a nice guy after all. He was the reason why Hagrid got thrown out of Hogwarts and got blamed for opening the chamber. And something about the spider Aragog…
Hermione gets well, they talk about Hagrid opening the Chamber 50 years ago and Hagrid talk to them about being careful, none the wiser. As they are talking Neville runs up to Harry. They go back to the dorm and all of Harry’s stuff is spread all over the place. And they took the diary.
Quidditch game gets cancelled due to fear and Hermione turns up petrified… YAY!!!! FINALLY!! (and now starts the GOOD part of the movie)
McGonagall informs the Gryffindor’s that no one is to wander the castle, all new rules and stuff.  But that has never stopped Ron and Harry in the past, so why should it now? They go to Hagrid’s place to talk to him about what happened, but before they get an explanation out of him, Dumbledore arrives with Fudge, the Minister for Magic. They talk about what has happened and stuff and and and…. *fan girl squeeee* LUCIUS!!!! <3 <3 <3 XD
hee hee hee… “You call this a house?”
*Lucius induced coma ends when Ron and Harry get out of the Dark Forest with the car after being fighting spiders… Oh, and they talked to Aragog… Oh, and Hagrid got sent to Azkaban… OH… and Dumbledore is no longer Headmaster… :3
Ron and Harry visit Hermione, who is giving the best performance EVER!, is still petrified. Harry finds a note in her hand which contains LOADS of clues, like… naming the thing; a Basilisk, clues about how it moves around in the pipes and how spiders fleeing from it etc. They go to talk to someone, but before they get that far they find out that Ginny has been kidnapped. They go to see Lockhart, and when they find him they discover he is a big fraud. After that there is a lot of yelling and professornapping. They go to the girls bathroom, jump down the snake shoot thing into the for-Chamber, where Lockhart grabs Ron’s wand which backfires and he looses his memory. Harry goes on alone, finds the chamber and Ginny… and Tom… and the Basilisk. Harry runs, the Basilisk gets blinded by Fawkes, who gets called to the Chamber when Harry can’t stop bragging about how wonderful Dumbledore is, and drops the Sorting Hat before Harry’s feet and which will later reveal Gryffindor’s sword. He gets the sword and uses it to stab the Basilisk, thus killing it, but Harry gets fanged by it, staggers down to see how Ginny is and uses the Basilisk tooth to stab the diary. Tom Riddle’s ghost dies, Ginny wakes up, Fawkes cries on Harry and saves his life, and all is well. Fawkes flies all of them to safety… The only thing that baffles me is that Lockhart says “It’s like magic”. An odd statement, especially since you have just lost your memory and shouldn’t know what magic is…
Ron and Harry talk to Dumbledore at his office and gets “yelled” at and then praised. Ron leaves to send email owl to Azkaban to release Hagrid. Harry talk to Dumbledore about everything that happened, the similarities between him and Riddle and so on… *fan girl squee* Lucius enters, argues with Dumbledore, kicks Dobby and leaves. Harry follows and returns diary (STFU DOBBY!) It’s odd that a bright man like Lucius would use a spell like Avada when your at a school like Hogwarts with the headmaster of said school within shooting distance. Even the book says that Lucius only starts to say a SPELL… it could have been a shoe tying spell for all we know… tsk tsk tsk WB *wags finger, drool and movie vanishes in a haze of Lucius*
Something about Hermione being OK, like who cares… Hagrid returns… blah blah blah…

The End

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone
Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone

Depending on where in the world you’re from…


What? You didn’t expect me NOT to review Harry Potter, did you? Foools…

So yes…

The plot: “Rescued from the outrageous neglect of his aunt and uncle, a young boy with a great destiny proves his worth while attending Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry”


This is what I remember… It’s been some time since I saw this movie last, so bare with me…

Oh… and if you haven’t seen the movie… have you been living under a rock????


As far as I remember the movie starts with floaty title on a cloud… and a man walking into a street, stealing the light and a cat turning into a woman before a giant on a flying motorcycle brings a small baby to the man stealing the light. With me so far? If it’s the first time you watch this movie, it might strike you as odd… especially if you haven’t read the book…

Anyways… the man puts the baby on the doorstep of a house and then leaves, uttering slight concern for the baby’s wellbeing… or was that the cat?

The man returns the light to the lamps and we jump 11 years ahead. Well, almost 11 years. Or was it 10 years? (I mean… many things point to him being older than he really is… in the last book he find a letter from him mum saying that Harry loves the broom he got and is zooming around on it… How old do one have to be to fly on a broom? Surely, there are laws against putting an infant on a broom…And he really wasn’t THAT old when he was put on the steps of the house…) ahem…

We jump ahead a number of years, and we see a bright eyed, bushy tailed young lad wake up, or being forcefully woken up by a rather large lad jumping on the stairs. See, the bright eyed, bushy tailed young lad lives under the stairs. We soon realize that this kid is in fact Harry Potter, seeing as right before we jumped a head many years, we saw a scar on the baby’s forehead, and now we see the scar on the kid’s forehead. It doesn’t take a genius to put two and two together. So… Harry wakes up, goes into the kitchen and makes breakfast with his Aunt Petunia. Uncle Vernon (the less said about him the better) is doting on his son, who happened to have his birthday on this day. The spoiled little brat, Dudley, is REALLY spoiled. And I do mean really. Like “I got 43 birthday gifts last year, I want 44 NOW!” spoiled (yes, I know it’s an incorrect number of gifts…). And his parents, being not the brightest of people give in. (How they ever managed to become parents baffles the mind. But we shan’t go into that here… It is a kid’s movie after all…)

After breakfast they go to the zoo, but before leaving Uncle Vernon tells Harry not to do any funny business, so he must have managed to make some magical things happen before… (We’ll call that exhibit 1). At the zoo Dudders (Dudley, really, but his mother calls him that) sees a snake and probably would have strangled the poor thing to get it to do anything. Getting bored with the listless thing, he walks away. Harry walks up to the glass and starts talking to it… and the snake seems to be responding (exhibit 2). Dudders comes back, knocks Harry out of the way and starts banging on the glass. Harry getting a little miffed makes the glass disappear (exhibit 3), and after the snake slithering ( 😉 ) away and says thanks, makes the glass reappear. Of course this didn’t make Uncle Vernon too pleased, so Harry probably had to go to bed without dinner, dessert, TV, snacks or anything.
The next day, I’m assuming, an owl came with a letter. It was addressed to Harry living at that address, under the stairs. But before he had a chance to open it Uncle Vernon snatched it out of his hands and burned it. This went on for days, without Harry ever getting to read one line of the letters he got. Then finally, on a Sunday, uncle Vernon was pleased as punch, cause “there is no mail on Sundays”. How wrong he was. Tons of owls delivered tons of letters, and finally Harry got to see that the letter was from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (exhibit 4). Uncle Vernon went a little mental and uprooted the whole family and moved them to a lighthouse on an island out in the middle of the sea somewhere. Finally on the eve of Harry’s 11th birthday, there was a slight tap on the door. Since no one answered it, it got knocked off its hinges. Outside stood a rather large man. Uncle Vernon attacked the man with a shotgun, but the man simply bent the muzzle of the gun and he was in no real danger. The man introduced himself at Hagrid, a games keeper at Hogwarts, and that if he wanted, he could come with him and go to school there. Harry, sporting a puzzled look, had no idea what he was on about. Hagrid then started to explain that people, of the wizard and witch persuasion, started going to that school once they turned 11 years old. Harry, still not quite grasping what Hagrid was on about, wondered what that has to do with him. “You’re a wizard, Harry.” (If he had simply looked at exhibits 1-4 he would have realized this ages ago.)

Even thought Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia were very much against this, since there is NO such thing as witchcraft and magic, Harry went with Hagrid. They went to a place called Diagon Alley, where Harry would find everything he needed for his new school. There he also met one of the Professors at Hogwarts, Professor Quirrell. And before Harry got his stuff, they had to go to Gringots, the bank. Harry where found out that his parents didn’t leave him penniless, that he was actually kind of well off. After they had done that, Hagrid had some other business to take care of.
Then they walked around Diagon Alley getting Harry what he needed. Finally he came to the wand shop where John Hurt, Mr. Ollivander, the wand maker, said he had been expecting Harry’s arrival. Harry started waving some wands around (ahem… not like that), blowing shelved down and stuff, until (dun dun duuun) he found the wand for him. (It’s great that Warner Brothers made this special, but I doubt very much that every single young kid walking into Mr. Ollivander’s shop suddenly got a halo when they found the right wand.) Then Mr. Ollivander informed Harry about the story behind his wand, telling him that its brother was the wand that gave him his scar. While the camera is zooming in on Harry’s face, we can see that he’s puzzled (And then an alien burst through Mr. Hurt’s rib cage).

Hagrid takes Harry for a bite to eat where he also tells Harry about his parents, how they died and all that jazz.

Then Hagrid took Harry to the train station, where he was told to get on the train on platform 9 ¾. Harry, being a very smart boy, looked at the letter, expressing his concern for there not being a platform 9 ¾ and turned to Hagrid, who was gone. Did I fail to mention that Hagrid is a giant? THE giant who brought Harry to the old man who stole the light? So… how can a giant just vanish into thin air?
Harry wandered around on platforms 9 and 10, looking for the platform he was supposed to get to. He even asked a person who worked there, but he thought the kid was mad. Eventually he overheard a woman, followed by a truckload of kids with ginger hair, saying that platform 9 ¾ was that way. He followed them and saw that some of the ginger kids vanished through a wall. He hesitantly walked up to the lady and gestured to the wall. He was told to run at the wall really quickly and so he did. On the other side was a great big train, the old kind with the coal and stuff. He found a seat in an empty compartment and sat down. Not long after the train started moving one of the ginger kids came into the compartment and asked if he could sit there. Harry, not being a bad guy, said of course. That’s when the kid recognized him. “You’re Harry Potter… Can I see your scar?” Harry made his first friend. He even bribed him with everything off the trolley. Then they started talking about magic, and his new friend, Ron Weasley, said he was going to perform a spell he learned from his brothers. Right before he started the door opened and ARGH!!! LARGE HAIRY BEAST! Oh, it’s just Hermione… a girl walked into the compartment asking if they had seen a toad. When she saw Ron having his wand out (no, still not bad) she said “Oh, you’re doing magic. Let’s see then” (smacks her smug, eyebrow wiggling face). Ron cleared his throat and said his spell, which didn’t work. She then showed off by fixing Harry’s glasses. She then told them to get dressed because they were going to be there soon. Well there Hagrid welcomed them all and hurried them off to the boats (the scenic rout). At the school they were all welcomed by an old witch called Professor MacGonagall. She told them that they were to be lead into the Great Hall where they were to be sorted into a house. There were four houses they could be sorted into; Griffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff and Slytherin. She then left them and a skinny, blond kid walked up to Harry. He introduced himself as Draco Malfoy. Ron giggled and Draco got very upset. “You’ll learn that some wizarding families are better than others. LET’S BE FRIENDS FOREVER AND EVER!” * pine *

“I think I know how to spot the good ones from the bad, thank you very much,” said Harry and MacGonagall entered telling them that everything was ready for them. They entered the Great Hall, a large room with floating candles in mid air. “They are enchanted, of course. I read it in Hogwarts, a history” gushed Hermione. * slaps *

The sorting started, Hermione was put in Gryffindor, and so was Ron. Draco was put in Slytherin even before the hat was put on his head. The sorting hat is the hat that sorts people into the houses… and it speaks. Harry was determined not to be put in Slytherin (which I really don’t understand. It’s a very fine house… seriously…) and the hat being a nice hat put him in Gryffindor. The sorting finished and an old man at the head of the table stood up. Professor Dumbledore. He told them what was what and where not to go and that was basically it. Then the feast started, and the house ghosts started popping out everywhere. (I really need to shorten this down… this is going to take me 10 pages at least if I do the whole movie.)

After the feast they were taken to their dormitories. Harry didn’t sleep that night. It seemed like he felt he had come home.

The next day starts off with Transfiguration classes with Professor McGonagall, and they are late. ARGH, HAIRY BEAST AGAIN… oh’s it’s just Hermione…

Then they had Potions. (Yes, to welcome the tiny first year students they feed them to the worst teacher they have at Hogwarts; Professor Snape.)
Professor Snape started his class by telling them that there would be no silly wand waving in his class. That he will teach them how to make potions to ensnare the senses and bewitch the mind (ENSNARE MEEEEE!!!!!). And then he sees that Harry isn’t paying attention. Though, if he had seen what Harry was writing, he’d see that he actually WAS paying attention. Then he starts picking on him. It all ends with there being bad feelings and all that. Even before Snape got to know Harry he judged him on his background… (For shaaame, Snape…)

After this they have lunch, and they get mail. Neville Longbottom, one of Harry’s classmates, gets a Rememberall; Harry reads in the paper that there has been a break in at Gringotts and tells the other two about how the vault that was broken into was the same vault Hagrid and he had been the day they were there.
After lunch they have flying lessons with madam Hooch… (Yay… Zoe Wannamaker) Hermione doesn’t like flying lessons, because she’s not the best one, for a change and Ron gets smacked in the face. Neville takes off, flies around for a bit and then takes a nosedive and breaks his wrist. Draco takes his Rememberall and flies off followed by Harry who catches it. McGonagall sees it, takes Harry to Oliver Wood, the Quidditch Captain and introduces Harry as the new Gryffindor Seeker. Everyone is in awe at Harry being such a young seeker, but Hermione tells Harry it’s in his blood and shows him that his father was seeker when he went to school. They keep talking about it through the evening and they end up on moving stairs. They walk into a room, see Mrs. Norris, and runs into another room where they see a three headed dog. On their way back Hermione is being a tight ass and is scolding the boys, or at least trying to.
Then Harry has his first Quidditch lesson with Wood, first and only lesson… *swoons over Scottish accent*

They then have spells class. Ron gets annoyed with Hermione, as we all are, bitches about her to the lads, she overhears it and runs off crying. Suddenly, later that night, it’s the Halloween Feast. Hermione is missing. Then Quirrell runs into the Great Hall, screaming “Troll… in the dungeon. Thought you ought to know” and then passes out. This creates a mass panic, but Dumbledore tells everyone to stay calm and for the prefects to take the students back to their dorms. As they are walking back, Harry realizes that Hermione doesn’t know about the troll and runs of with Ron to find her. They find her, and the troll in one of the girl’s bathrooms. They fight the troll, and Hermione manages to take time out of her busy schedule of getting herself killed to lecture Ron about proper spell pronunciations. They save the day.

Quidditch, finally, has come around; Harry gets a broom from Professor McGonagall. At the game “Snape” jinxes Harry’s broom, but Hermione sets Snape on fire and Harry gets the snitch. (Marcus Flint, the Slytherin captain, is butt ugly!!) They then talk to Hagrid and he let slip about Fluffy, the three headed dog, and that whatever the dog is doing there is between Dumbledore and Flamel.

Suddenly winter comes around, and it’s the Christmas holiday. A…OMG, LARGE HAIRY BEAST, oh… it’s just Hermione… Hermione is going home to see her parents, though, if I were them I’d move without telling her, but before she leaves she tells the boys to look for Flamel in the restricted section.
On Christmas morning, Harry gets an Invisibility cloak from someone. He uses it to go into the restricted section but finds nothing. Harry runs from pervy Filtch into a room where he finds a large mirror. What’s even weirder is that he sees his parents in it. He runs off to tell Ron, and when they get back, all Ron can see is himself holding the Quidditch Cup. Harry spends the night looking into the mirror, looking at his parents. Then Dumbledore comes into the room and tells him that the mirror is called The Mirror of Erised, what it does and so on.
Spring comes around and Hermione has found Flamel. They go to see Hagrid, who just happens to be hatching a dragon egg, and talk to him about something… Draco sees them there and runs off to tell McGonagall. They all get detention with Hagrid, and have to follow him into the Dark Forest. They are looking for a wounded unicorn. Harry finds it and sees a black floaty thing sucking its blood. The floaty thing sees Harry and floats towards him. But he’s saves by a centaur, so everything is ok. Harry then tells the rest about what he knows (which took about three seconds).
Harry’s scar burns and this apparently gives him an idea. They got to see Hagrid yet again and talk to him about Fluffy. He says that the only thing that can sooth it is music. They run of to see McGonagall to tell her that they have to see Dumbledore, but she informs them that he’s gone.
That night the trio sneaks off to go down the trap door. In the common room they run into Neville who Hermione swiftly uses a stunning spell on. They got to the trap door, Fluffy sleeping, stays there and talks for way too long, because the dog wakes up. They jump into the hole and lands in Devil’s Snare. Hermione tells them to relax, but Ron just won’t listen. Hermione again saves the day and they move on to the next room where loads of flying keys fly around. They finally realize that they have to find the key to the door. Harry jumps on the broom and takes chase of the key. They get into the next room where they have to play Wizard’s Chess. Only Harry goes on from here and he goes into the next room where (dun dun duuuuuun) he meets QUIRRELL!
He starts telling Harry how he tried to kill him at the Quidditch game and so on, that Snape tried to save him etc. Then he starts to unwrap his turban to reveal (dun dun duuuuun) VOLDEMORT!
Quirrell tells Harry to look in the Mirror of Erised to get the stone and he gets it. Voldemort tells Harry to give him the stone and that together they can rule the galaxy like father and son… no… wait… Anyway… Quirrell gets the order to kill Harry, and he flies forth to do so. Harry touches his hand and it starts to crumble. He then touches Quirrell’s face which also starts to crumble. Harry is well pleased with himself, unaware of the misty sand storm building behind him. Voldiecloud flies through Harry and he passes out.
When he wakes up he’s in the hospital wing, and Dumbledore comes to see him. He tells him why Quirrell couldn’t stand Harry touching him (no… don’t even go there) and it was all because of love.
Harry is let out of the hospital wing, meets the others and they go to the last day feast. Slytherin are the winners of the House Cup, but before Dumbledore gives out the Cup he has some more points to dish out. In the end Gryffindor wins and the all go home.


The End