So, in his spare time, Bard from “The Hobbit” is moonlighting as a prince. And he takes Turks. I don’t blame him. I have yet to hear of one that can be trusted.
So Vlad the Impaler gets in trouble with the Turks who wants his boys, every boy in his country, to fight for them. And weaved into the tapestry of history there is something dark.
I’m afraid that all I’ll take away from this movie is “Never trust a Turk” and they are greedy bastards. No, not just back in the day. Now, too. Go on, prove me wrong. Make my mothers deadbeat boyfriend go to Turkey and sell her apartment… like he said he would AGES AGO!!! All this without bitching and moaning about not having money. Go on. Prove me wrong! Need more examples? How about her first Turkish boyfriend who admitted to only wanting to marry her so he could get a green card. How about the next one? The one that physically attacked her and then gladly took things of hers that were valuable. I guess you could call that stealing. So why didn’t she call the police? Would you? They aren’t trustworthy either. So please. Prove me wrong.
Enough of them for now, though. One plus to the movie. Charles Dance is in it. He is the Master Vampire. It is somewhat difficult to see under all the make-up, but it’s him. He is a great bad guy.
OK, so Vlad drank the blood of Master after he gave him a story about how, if he managed to go three days without drinking blood, he’d go back to his old self. And then, after he has drunk the blood he asks “What now?” and the Master says “You die…”. Does that mean that if he does manage to not drink blood he’ll die since he’s already dead? So many questions.
And he can turn into a flock of bats.. I get serious Van Helsing vibes from Vlad. They should have called the movie Van Dracula vs The Turks instead.
It started out as a nice story. Now it’s just meh. It just turned very meh. And we’re not even halfway.
No! No no no no!! It’s supposed to be the CANINE TEETH!!! Not the incisors! I hate it when they get that wrong. Why did they shy away from canine teeth? There’s a reason they are pointy.. and there’s a reason incisors are NOT pointy. They are for cutting.. canines are for puncturing! GAH!! When did they stop doing that? Is it all Vampire Diaries fault? Ugh. Such rage. It looks STUPID!!!!
And they got the impaling wrong too. It was a punishment and the person being impaled was impaled through the arse, thought the body and out the neck. Of course I don’t know if that was practiced on the battlefield in the middle of a war. I’ve forgotten a lot of the story about Vlad. I know he was taken by the Turks when he was a kid. But I can’t remember if the Turks taught him the art of impaling.
And they are using, seemingly, Lord of the Rings surplus swords. Good thing nothing goes to waste.
300 got nothing on Vlad.
OK! Plot twist.
Vlad turns everyone into vampires. Didn’t see that one coming.
So, the Turks are beaten and Vlad kills “his people” by making the sun come out (because Dracula has the power to make it cloudy).
But Vlad is then saved by his human servant.
Cut to modern day. Vlad finds Mina, the spitting image of his dead wife. And Charles Dance looking gorgeous in a suit. I thought Master Vampire was supposed to die or something when Vlad drank blood. Or was that just to release him from the cave he was in. Oh well…
He says something about games and to let them begin. Will there be yet another Dracula movie?
I hope not.
Let’s just say that I’ve shied away from vampire things of late. They aren’t good. They don’t get the teeth thing right and that pisses me off. I’ll stick to Hammer vampires and Coppola’s Dracula. Those were good ones.
But that said. The acting was good and all. Story was good. Everything was OK. But I don’t know.. It didn’t keep me on tenterhooks. It was just there and yeah. 5/10
Unless you’re really into vampires and don’t care about the teeth, watch it.
