listening to: Oh.. hang on :3 Dr. Who Theme song… from the new series… *plays air guitar*
So yes… HERE BE SPOILERS!!! You have been warned..
Resident Evil I
It starts off with a nice day at the office… People run to catch elevators, busy themselves with getting to their cubicle in time and everyone is quite jovial towards one another. Well, except for that one rude guy who crashes into the guy with the coffee who gets his mugful down his shirt. But already dirty deeds have been done.
Someone has been in the lab and pilfered the T-Virus and the antivirus…. AND to make matters worse, the person has “accidentally” dropped one of the phials of T-Virus… and it’s now making its way through the ventilation system.. making the security systems go hey-wire, locks shit down and kills people by the means of drowning, gassing, decapitation and that’s about it… Still.. getting decapitated by an elevator isn’t my idea of a peaceful death.
So yeah… the Red Queen (Security system) calms down eventually and we cut to a lovely young lady in a shower… out cold. When she comes to her hair is fantastic!!! and she doesn’t seem to remember anything. Her name is Alice, but she doesn’t know that… at least I don’t think she does. Anyways.. it doesn’t matter… She starts walking around her Manson, finds a dress, puts it on and explores more, finds a drawer with guns in it which doesn’t seem to make her recoil in horror. Especially seeing as the lock mechanism in the lock box is pretty advanced. One might go so far as to suggest she might be a pro at something… So.. anyways… she goes outside and gets spooked by something, gets dragged inside by a guy, let’s for argument sake call him Matt (he’s the boss man to Ugly Betty), and seconds later soldiers crash through the windows, tackle the dude and slap handcuffs on him… How’s THAT for rape prevention? Too bad the guy is innocent… The leader of the soldier troop, One (yes, that’s what they call him), takes of his helmet and asks Alice if she’s alright and if she remembers anything.. and she says No… and he takes them down to the basement which just happens to have a train to the Umbrella Corporation… which happens to be deep in the bowels below the Manson. And they have like 2 some hours to find out what the hell happened down there and come back before the doors close forever and ever… and ever… on the train they find a new guy who also has no memory of what happened. Oh, the dude who got handcuffed don’t remember anything either. Incidentally the guy they find on the train looks just like a guy in a picture with Alice… which makes her think that just maybe they have a history. I mean… she remembers them fumbling in bed… and then the handcuffed dude asks her if she remembers anything and she’s not sure.. I think… haziness…
Eventually they get to the place they need to be.. but it’s all shut down. So the tech guy will have to do some magic to get the system to start working… and he does it.. YAY! So just about half the assault team goes into the small corridor leading to the heart of the Red Queen… to shut her down so that they can explore. Well.. they make it into the corridor.. the system closes the doors.. and as a final “fuck you” the red queen turns on her laser beam… one looses his fingers… one gets cut in two at the waste… one gets her head cut of.. and the last one, One, gets diced up… literary.. I’m not kidding… the laser turns into a grid and it dices him up… To me it’s pretty awesome.. =D But then I’m into the gory stuff ^_^ Mr. Tech guy works his fingers to the bone to get the laser to stop lasering and get the doors opened just as One’s pieces slides to the floor. And of course the bad ass “I stand totally alone, I hate the world” chick, Rain, is pissed off at the techy guy, unrightly so, in my eyes.. he can’t help it if the red queen is sneaky. But yeah.. she’s all scowls and basically very ugly looking. I mean… Alice looks quite normal. When she’s pissed off you can tell she’s pissed of… she doesn’t scowl and basically look very ugly… maybe Rain could have played the “I hate the world” bit down a tad and she’d be looking nice… instead of a retard, I mean… I guess that’s “strong” women for you.
Anyways… they manage to lock down the red queen.. but not before the hologram of her tells them they will all die down there. Upon their shutting down everything they really do shut down everything.. Everything from locks to doors etc. So.. whatever died down there, was made down there etc.. is on the lose. (I know there is something there because earlier they walked past a water filled lab with a person hovering amazingly in the middle of view… and as they walk away the person opens her eyes and touches the glass… so something is alive down there)
The soldier people talk and then they hear something, Rain goes to check it out, sees a lab type person, tells the person they’ll get her out and stuff… and the person bites Rain on the hand as thanks… Rain, being the lovable person she is, responds by shooting the living crap out of her… that is if the person had any living crap. The other soldier people come to and ask her why she shot the poor lady and Rain gets all pissy, scowls even more and tells them that the person got hostile. Personally, I don’t blame the person to take a chunk out of her… not with her sour disposition.
So yeah.. it becomes quite clear that the place is swarming with dead people. So they make a hasty retreat. However, I think they go back to charge up the red queen first… I’m not sure… damn, I should have taken notes.. XP
Well… on their way they run into masses of zombies, more zombies, zombie dogs, mutants and super mutants. And Alice starts to remember more and so does handcuff guy, who is actually there to find his sister.. who just happens to be Alice’s contact… Back story is that they were trying to get the T-virus out and destroy the Umbrella corporation. However, the guy Alice was supposed to be married to was working for the corporation, thwarted Alice in her attempts to get the virus, and broke the phial of virus that killed all the people down there. So he’s quite clearly the baddy.
Oh.. and Rain, quite justly, turns into a zombie too. I know people love her for her tough RAWRACTIONGIRL persona.. but I just think she could have done it without looking constipated.
OH… and the bad guy gets ravaged by big BIG mutant, who mutates even more and comes for the rest of them.
Anyways.. The bitten and scratched gets the antivirus, but sadly it doesn’t work.. so Rain goes RAWR and finally A SMILE! even if the teeth are all narly and ugh..
Let’s just say that in the end Alice and Matt are the only ones standing.. and they get out with 13 seconds to spare.. But then they get jumped by spacemen!!! no, just kidding… Umbrella corporation medical team in space suits. Seeing as Matt was clawed by the uber monster he’s starting to mutate too.. *tear* as Alice is beside herself, kicking ass, while screaming his name. *tear more*
They are taken away, and she later comes to in a room with tubes sticking out from basically everywhere. No one seems to want to come to her aid, so she has to to stuff herself, rips the tubes out, hot wires the door and walks into the chaotic streets. No one is there. Cars have crashed.. headlines say “Dead come back to life” or something like that.. and end movie.
Cameo in this movie is Jason Isaacs. He got the narrator sexy voice and Dr. Blue Eyes at the end of the movie.
Resident Evil: Apocalypse (Resident Evil II)
It starts with people going nuts.. It’s the first time I’ve seen the whole thing, and I can’t remember EVERYTHING that happens… But I think we see a spunky woman, not her face, obviously… getting dressed like Lara Croft.. or kinda like you’d imagine Alice would dress if given a choice. So she, the woman, wanders in to a police station and starts shooting dead people… and you think YAY!! YOU KICK ASS, ALICE!!! until you see her face and you see it’s not Alice at all… kinda disappointing.. but I guess Valentine is OK.. if you’re a guy…
Then we see the end of the last movie.. Alice waking up, ripping the tubes and escaping the hospital to the mean deserted streets..
And as the Umbrella Corporation figures out that people are getting ugly… as in turning into zombies… they pick up everyone who just happen to be important… One of the scientists have a daughter, who gets picked up, but the car gets trashed by a truck and well.. it’s up to some soldiers to find her… One of the soldiers is Oded Fehr, in this movie Olivera…(in The Mummy – Ardeth Bay (nommie))
Anyways… the streets are dangerous… the people are zombies, no where is safe.. not even church… A gaggle of teethy, nasty, clawing, long tongued mutants have taken residence in one of them and is picking off people, one by one… until Alice crashed through the window on a motorbike and saves people. She is now fully clothed, is fully armed with nice guns and is mean… rawr… and Valentine gets all bitchy because this woman has stolen her kick ass style and is moving in on her turf “Who the hell are you?” *hair toss*
They get a call from the father of the girl and take on the assignment to find her.. They make it to the school, with the exception of Alice who had to take on an uber cool mutant which is totally bad ass…
But Valentine, TJ (a guy from the police station..) and a news lady (doesn’t matter, she dies) gets there, finds the girl.. and for some reason every kid in school is dead.
Now, I have to admit that I watched this on youtube.. which has a lot of idiotic comments attached. Like in the first movie.. when the guy “dropped” the phial of the T-Virus one person got all “WHY DID HE DO THAT????” Think, man! It was intentional… And in this one.. “Why would they bring zombie dogs to a school full of children?” Ever think that the dogs were ok when they got there and THEN turned into zombie dogs??? Do I have to think of EVERYTHING???
But yeah… Valentine and TJ meets up with the soldiers, Carlos Olivera and Nicholai Ginovaeff, but sadly Nicholai dies. Valentine finds the girl and meets up with some zombie dogs.. in the school kitchen… She has no more bullets so she turns on the gas, and as they run out she lights a match and throws it in, but it goes out. Luckily Alice turns up, flicks a cigarette into the gas mass and it goes poof.. in slow mo… as she whips a fire blanket over her and the girl.. and Valentine gets flung across the room. And then Alice and the girl, who is the spitting image of the red queen from the hive in the first movie, has a heart to heart. And lo and behold.. the girl has the t-virus AND the antivirus.
So they make their way back to the girls father, who just got caught by some doctor dude… apparently it’s illegal to want your kid safe in times of zombie infestations.. *shrug*
It seems the only thing the doctor really wanted was Alice. To come there and fight huge mutant thing… which turns out is Matt from the other movie. I guess too much t-virus.. or too much antivirus is a bad thing. But he’s a VERY cool mutant. Kinda reminds me of Mr. Grin from one of those Hell box movie thingies… Hellraiser. Mr. Grin from Hellraiser.
but yeah…. they fight… and Alice finds it hard to kill the poor sod… And again Mr. Mutant Matt finds out some things about his “bosses” and gets a little pissed off. Well… eventually he helps them escape by sacrificing his own life *tear*
And the doctor dude gets tossed to the zombies. And there’s another doctor dude there called Dr. Isaacs. (trivia you have no interest in but amuses me: The director is a friend of Jason Issacs and named Dr. Issacs after him.. ) He wants Alice… and lucky for him, he gets her. As they fly away in the helicopter something happens and a thing flies towards the girl and Alice jumps in front of her to save her life… They find the helicopter crashed and Alice’s body, apparently dead.
However… a few months or weeks later she wakes up in a fish tank… and is brought out of the water by Dr. Isaacs. She is all wtf? at first, but then she remembers everything, kicks some ass and escapes. And on the way out she finds out she has awesome powers of telekinetic nature and kills a security guard just by looking at the camera.
On the outside Valentine, TJ (yes, he survived *shock*) and Olivera for her and take her away. But it’s clean that the corporation has done something to her… end movie…
Resident Evil: Extinction (Resident Evil: III)
It’s all dry… the earth as we know it is dry. People are zombies.. the ones who survived are moving around to escape getting eaten.
A convoy started by some chick is trucking through the deserts of America… along with her are loads of kids, TJ (yeah, he’s still hanging in there) and Olivera…
Alice is there too.. not with the convoy, but in the deserts… She gets captured by some people who are truly fucked in the head. For their own enjoyment they toss people who respond to their “distress” call into a pit with zombie dogs… but of course Alice is smart and escapes…
Eventually the convoy and Alice meet up… Luckily it’s in the middle of a zombie crow attack.. and she flambes all the crows with a flamethrower and her telecethingie… Olivera is happy, at least…
But yeah… as soon as the convoy chick finds out some stuff, she wants Alice to leave. Because.. in a convoy there can only be one hot chick..
Anyways… they decide to go to Alaska.. but have to go to Las Vegas first to get food and gas.
Unfortunately the zombies are clown zombies too.. because they are all hiding in a clown container… which works just like a clown car… it’s amazing how many can fit into that container thingie… but yeah… almost all of them gets whipped out. Oh.. and TJ gets turned into a zombie… and he bites Olivera before he dies…
And the corporation is there too.. and they manage to somehow turn Alice off.. in the middle of a zombie battle they turn her off… but she fights it.. and finds out where they are.. kills people and stuff, but Dr. Isaacs manages to escape.. but gets bit… and od’s on antivirus.. and mutates.. into.. tentacle man… with sonic boom rawr…
But yeah.. They find out where the corporation is holding up… basically it’s just follow the stench of rotting zombie flesh.. duh… but seeing as the zombies all of a sudden can’t climb stuff (even though they climbed the Eiffel tower in Las Vegas with ease) all the zombies are standing outside the fence leading to the place where the Umbrella stuff is staying.
So.. Olivera gets a plan… seeing as he is going to die anyways, might as well go out with a bang.. so he jumps into one of the trucks, loads it up with TNT and crashed into zombies… prays for one last weed, finds it and lights the fuse.. and goes out with a bang…
This paves the way for the rest of the people who jump in the helicopter and takes of to Alaska.. save Alice.. who has some ass to kick…
She meets Dr. Tentacle man and they have it out… And Alice finds a copy of herself.. in a fish tank.. and it bursts.. so now there are two.. but the fish tank one dies… so one is left..
And then they fight some more and end up in the corridor with the laser thingie from the first movie.. and Dr. tentacle face is all HAH! I WILL KILL YUUU!!! and Alice laughs and say “we’ll both die down here” and the laser starts up… turns into a grid and slices Mr tentacle man into pieces. And the beam stops miraculously just in front of Alice.. and we see fish tank Alice standing by the controls…
Then.. in Japan… the corporation is all “ZOMGWHATAREWEGONNADOWE’REGONNADIE!” and some dude tells them to chill out or soemthing and Alice beams in and tells them she’ll be right over with a few friends.. and you see Alice and fish tank Alice looking at row after row of Alice’s.. many many rows…
And end movie…
Hope you enjoyed it..