Monthly Archives: September 2008

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone
Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone

Depending on where in the world you’re from…

 

What? You didn’t expect me NOT to review Harry Potter, did you? Foools…

So yes…

The plot: “Rescued from the outrageous neglect of his aunt and uncle, a young boy with a great destiny proves his worth while attending Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry”

 

This is what I remember… It’s been some time since I saw this movie last, so bare with me…

Oh… and if you haven’t seen the movie… have you been living under a rock????
HERE BE SPOLIERS!!!

 

As far as I remember the movie starts with floaty title on a cloud… and a man walking into a street, stealing the light and a cat turning into a woman before a giant on a flying motorcycle brings a small baby to the man stealing the light. With me so far? If it’s the first time you watch this movie, it might strike you as odd… especially if you haven’t read the book…

Anyways… the man puts the baby on the doorstep of a house and then leaves, uttering slight concern for the baby’s wellbeing… or was that the cat?

The man returns the light to the lamps and we jump 11 years ahead. Well, almost 11 years. Or was it 10 years? (I mean… many things point to him being older than he really is… in the last book he find a letter from him mum saying that Harry loves the broom he got and is zooming around on it… How old do one have to be to fly on a broom? Surely, there are laws against putting an infant on a broom…And he really wasn’t THAT old when he was put on the steps of the house…) ahem…

We jump ahead a number of years, and we see a bright eyed, bushy tailed young lad wake up, or being forcefully woken up by a rather large lad jumping on the stairs. See, the bright eyed, bushy tailed young lad lives under the stairs. We soon realize that this kid is in fact Harry Potter, seeing as right before we jumped a head many years, we saw a scar on the baby’s forehead, and now we see the scar on the kid’s forehead. It doesn’t take a genius to put two and two together. So… Harry wakes up, goes into the kitchen and makes breakfast with his Aunt Petunia. Uncle Vernon (the less said about him the better) is doting on his son, who happened to have his birthday on this day. The spoiled little brat, Dudley, is REALLY spoiled. And I do mean really. Like “I got 43 birthday gifts last year, I want 44 NOW!” spoiled (yes, I know it’s an incorrect number of gifts…). And his parents, being not the brightest of people give in. (How they ever managed to become parents baffles the mind. But we shan’t go into that here… It is a kid’s movie after all…)

After breakfast they go to the zoo, but before leaving Uncle Vernon tells Harry not to do any funny business, so he must have managed to make some magical things happen before… (We’ll call that exhibit 1). At the zoo Dudders (Dudley, really, but his mother calls him that) sees a snake and probably would have strangled the poor thing to get it to do anything. Getting bored with the listless thing, he walks away. Harry walks up to the glass and starts talking to it… and the snake seems to be responding (exhibit 2). Dudders comes back, knocks Harry out of the way and starts banging on the glass. Harry getting a little miffed makes the glass disappear (exhibit 3), and after the snake slithering ( 😉 ) away and says thanks, makes the glass reappear. Of course this didn’t make Uncle Vernon too pleased, so Harry probably had to go to bed without dinner, dessert, TV, snacks or anything.
The next day, I’m assuming, an owl came with a letter. It was addressed to Harry living at that address, under the stairs. But before he had a chance to open it Uncle Vernon snatched it out of his hands and burned it. This went on for days, without Harry ever getting to read one line of the letters he got. Then finally, on a Sunday, uncle Vernon was pleased as punch, cause “there is no mail on Sundays”. How wrong he was. Tons of owls delivered tons of letters, and finally Harry got to see that the letter was from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (exhibit 4). Uncle Vernon went a little mental and uprooted the whole family and moved them to a lighthouse on an island out in the middle of the sea somewhere. Finally on the eve of Harry’s 11th birthday, there was a slight tap on the door. Since no one answered it, it got knocked off its hinges. Outside stood a rather large man. Uncle Vernon attacked the man with a shotgun, but the man simply bent the muzzle of the gun and he was in no real danger. The man introduced himself at Hagrid, a games keeper at Hogwarts, and that if he wanted, he could come with him and go to school there. Harry, sporting a puzzled look, had no idea what he was on about. Hagrid then started to explain that people, of the wizard and witch persuasion, started going to that school once they turned 11 years old. Harry, still not quite grasping what Hagrid was on about, wondered what that has to do with him. “You’re a wizard, Harry.” (If he had simply looked at exhibits 1-4 he would have realized this ages ago.)

Even thought Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia were very much against this, since there is NO such thing as witchcraft and magic, Harry went with Hagrid. They went to a place called Diagon Alley, where Harry would find everything he needed for his new school. There he also met one of the Professors at Hogwarts, Professor Quirrell. And before Harry got his stuff, they had to go to Gringots, the bank. Harry where found out that his parents didn’t leave him penniless, that he was actually kind of well off. After they had done that, Hagrid had some other business to take care of.
Then they walked around Diagon Alley getting Harry what he needed. Finally he came to the wand shop where John Hurt, Mr. Ollivander, the wand maker, said he had been expecting Harry’s arrival. Harry started waving some wands around (ahem… not like that), blowing shelved down and stuff, until (dun dun duuun) he found the wand for him. (It’s great that Warner Brothers made this special, but I doubt very much that every single young kid walking into Mr. Ollivander’s shop suddenly got a halo when they found the right wand.) Then Mr. Ollivander informed Harry about the story behind his wand, telling him that its brother was the wand that gave him his scar. While the camera is zooming in on Harry’s face, we can see that he’s puzzled (And then an alien burst through Mr. Hurt’s rib cage).

Hagrid takes Harry for a bite to eat where he also tells Harry about his parents, how they died and all that jazz.

Then Hagrid took Harry to the train station, where he was told to get on the train on platform 9 ¾. Harry, being a very smart boy, looked at the letter, expressing his concern for there not being a platform 9 ¾ and turned to Hagrid, who was gone. Did I fail to mention that Hagrid is a giant? THE giant who brought Harry to the old man who stole the light? So… how can a giant just vanish into thin air?
Harry wandered around on platforms 9 and 10, looking for the platform he was supposed to get to. He even asked a person who worked there, but he thought the kid was mad. Eventually he overheard a woman, followed by a truckload of kids with ginger hair, saying that platform 9 ¾ was that way. He followed them and saw that some of the ginger kids vanished through a wall. He hesitantly walked up to the lady and gestured to the wall. He was told to run at the wall really quickly and so he did. On the other side was a great big train, the old kind with the coal and stuff. He found a seat in an empty compartment and sat down. Not long after the train started moving one of the ginger kids came into the compartment and asked if he could sit there. Harry, not being a bad guy, said of course. That’s when the kid recognized him. “You’re Harry Potter… Can I see your scar?” Harry made his first friend. He even bribed him with everything off the trolley. Then they started talking about magic, and his new friend, Ron Weasley, said he was going to perform a spell he learned from his brothers. Right before he started the door opened and ARGH!!! LARGE HAIRY BEAST! Oh, it’s just Hermione… a girl walked into the compartment asking if they had seen a toad. When she saw Ron having his wand out (no, still not bad) she said “Oh, you’re doing magic. Let’s see then” (smacks her smug, eyebrow wiggling face). Ron cleared his throat and said his spell, which didn’t work. She then showed off by fixing Harry’s glasses. She then told them to get dressed because they were going to be there soon. Well there Hagrid welcomed them all and hurried them off to the boats (the scenic rout). At the school they were all welcomed by an old witch called Professor MacGonagall. She told them that they were to be lead into the Great Hall where they were to be sorted into a house. There were four houses they could be sorted into; Griffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff and Slytherin. She then left them and a skinny, blond kid walked up to Harry. He introduced himself as Draco Malfoy. Ron giggled and Draco got very upset. “You’ll learn that some wizarding families are better than others. LET’S BE FRIENDS FOREVER AND EVER!” * pine *

“I think I know how to spot the good ones from the bad, thank you very much,” said Harry and MacGonagall entered telling them that everything was ready for them. They entered the Great Hall, a large room with floating candles in mid air. “They are enchanted, of course. I read it in Hogwarts, a history” gushed Hermione. * slaps *

The sorting started, Hermione was put in Gryffindor, and so was Ron. Draco was put in Slytherin even before the hat was put on his head. The sorting hat is the hat that sorts people into the houses… and it speaks. Harry was determined not to be put in Slytherin (which I really don’t understand. It’s a very fine house… seriously…) and the hat being a nice hat put him in Gryffindor. The sorting finished and an old man at the head of the table stood up. Professor Dumbledore. He told them what was what and where not to go and that was basically it. Then the feast started, and the house ghosts started popping out everywhere. (I really need to shorten this down… this is going to take me 10 pages at least if I do the whole movie.)

After the feast they were taken to their dormitories. Harry didn’t sleep that night. It seemed like he felt he had come home.

The next day starts off with Transfiguration classes with Professor McGonagall, and they are late. ARGH, HAIRY BEAST AGAIN… oh’s it’s just Hermione…

Then they had Potions. (Yes, to welcome the tiny first year students they feed them to the worst teacher they have at Hogwarts; Professor Snape.)
Professor Snape started his class by telling them that there would be no silly wand waving in his class. That he will teach them how to make potions to ensnare the senses and bewitch the mind (ENSNARE MEEEEE!!!!!). And then he sees that Harry isn’t paying attention. Though, if he had seen what Harry was writing, he’d see that he actually WAS paying attention. Then he starts picking on him. It all ends with there being bad feelings and all that. Even before Snape got to know Harry he judged him on his background… (For shaaame, Snape…)

After this they have lunch, and they get mail. Neville Longbottom, one of Harry’s classmates, gets a Rememberall; Harry reads in the paper that there has been a break in at Gringotts and tells the other two about how the vault that was broken into was the same vault Hagrid and he had been the day they were there.
After lunch they have flying lessons with madam Hooch… (Yay… Zoe Wannamaker) Hermione doesn’t like flying lessons, because she’s not the best one, for a change and Ron gets smacked in the face. Neville takes off, flies around for a bit and then takes a nosedive and breaks his wrist. Draco takes his Rememberall and flies off followed by Harry who catches it. McGonagall sees it, takes Harry to Oliver Wood, the Quidditch Captain and introduces Harry as the new Gryffindor Seeker. Everyone is in awe at Harry being such a young seeker, but Hermione tells Harry it’s in his blood and shows him that his father was seeker when he went to school. They keep talking about it through the evening and they end up on moving stairs. They walk into a room, see Mrs. Norris, and runs into another room where they see a three headed dog. On their way back Hermione is being a tight ass and is scolding the boys, or at least trying to.
Then Harry has his first Quidditch lesson with Wood, first and only lesson… *swoons over Scottish accent*

They then have spells class. Ron gets annoyed with Hermione, as we all are, bitches about her to the lads, she overhears it and runs off crying. Suddenly, later that night, it’s the Halloween Feast. Hermione is missing. Then Quirrell runs into the Great Hall, screaming “Troll… in the dungeon. Thought you ought to know” and then passes out. This creates a mass panic, but Dumbledore tells everyone to stay calm and for the prefects to take the students back to their dorms. As they are walking back, Harry realizes that Hermione doesn’t know about the troll and runs of with Ron to find her. They find her, and the troll in one of the girl’s bathrooms. They fight the troll, and Hermione manages to take time out of her busy schedule of getting herself killed to lecture Ron about proper spell pronunciations. They save the day.

Quidditch, finally, has come around; Harry gets a broom from Professor McGonagall. At the game “Snape” jinxes Harry’s broom, but Hermione sets Snape on fire and Harry gets the snitch. (Marcus Flint, the Slytherin captain, is butt ugly!!) They then talk to Hagrid and he let slip about Fluffy, the three headed dog, and that whatever the dog is doing there is between Dumbledore and Flamel.

Suddenly winter comes around, and it’s the Christmas holiday. A…OMG, LARGE HAIRY BEAST, oh… it’s just Hermione… Hermione is going home to see her parents, though, if I were them I’d move without telling her, but before she leaves she tells the boys to look for Flamel in the restricted section.
On Christmas morning, Harry gets an Invisibility cloak from someone. He uses it to go into the restricted section but finds nothing. Harry runs from pervy Filtch into a room where he finds a large mirror. What’s even weirder is that he sees his parents in it. He runs off to tell Ron, and when they get back, all Ron can see is himself holding the Quidditch Cup. Harry spends the night looking into the mirror, looking at his parents. Then Dumbledore comes into the room and tells him that the mirror is called The Mirror of Erised, what it does and so on.
Spring comes around and Hermione has found Flamel. They go to see Hagrid, who just happens to be hatching a dragon egg, and talk to him about something… Draco sees them there and runs off to tell McGonagall. They all get detention with Hagrid, and have to follow him into the Dark Forest. They are looking for a wounded unicorn. Harry finds it and sees a black floaty thing sucking its blood. The floaty thing sees Harry and floats towards him. But he’s saves by a centaur, so everything is ok. Harry then tells the rest about what he knows (which took about three seconds).
Harry’s scar burns and this apparently gives him an idea. They got to see Hagrid yet again and talk to him about Fluffy. He says that the only thing that can sooth it is music. They run of to see McGonagall to tell her that they have to see Dumbledore, but she informs them that he’s gone.
That night the trio sneaks off to go down the trap door. In the common room they run into Neville who Hermione swiftly uses a stunning spell on. They got to the trap door, Fluffy sleeping, stays there and talks for way too long, because the dog wakes up. They jump into the hole and lands in Devil’s Snare. Hermione tells them to relax, but Ron just won’t listen. Hermione again saves the day and they move on to the next room where loads of flying keys fly around. They finally realize that they have to find the key to the door. Harry jumps on the broom and takes chase of the key. They get into the next room where they have to play Wizard’s Chess. Only Harry goes on from here and he goes into the next room where (dun dun duuuuuun) he meets QUIRRELL!
He starts telling Harry how he tried to kill him at the Quidditch game and so on, that Snape tried to save him etc. Then he starts to unwrap his turban to reveal (dun dun duuuuun) VOLDEMORT!
Quirrell tells Harry to look in the Mirror of Erised to get the stone and he gets it. Voldemort tells Harry to give him the stone and that together they can rule the galaxy like father and son… no… wait… Anyway… Quirrell gets the order to kill Harry, and he flies forth to do so. Harry touches his hand and it starts to crumble. He then touches Quirrell’s face which also starts to crumble. Harry is well pleased with himself, unaware of the misty sand storm building behind him. Voldiecloud flies through Harry and he passes out.
When he wakes up he’s in the hospital wing, and Dumbledore comes to see him. He tells him why Quirrell couldn’t stand Harry touching him (no… don’t even go there) and it was all because of love.
Harry is let out of the hospital wing, meets the others and they go to the last day feast. Slytherin are the winners of the House Cup, but before Dumbledore gives out the Cup he has some more points to dish out. In the end Gryffindor wins and the all go home.

 

The End

The Exorcist

AAAAAAARGH! NUUUUU D:
*Shrieks* *screams*
*Runs away horrified and hides*

Yes…. bloggyness

Mood: Good
Listening to: Tapping of keys…

 

Good day…

I’ve been trying very hard to figure out what exactly to put in my blog, and thus far I’ve come to naught. *sighs*
It’s really hard. I guess I could tell you guys what exactly I’m doing with my site… what movies I’m going to review etc.
At the moment I’m working on Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.  Barely scratching the surface I realized I need to watch the movie again… Don’t look at me like that… I can’t remember everything. And hopefully it’ll be funny to read.

I finished The Usual Suspects at the course today. A lot of things happen in the movie, but I had to limit myself to parts of it, cutting some parts, but trying to get the essentials across. But… if you’re ever in doubt, watch the movie…

I have been thinking about reviewing The Exorcist too… so that should be fun… *nervous laughter*

And if there are any movies you’d like me to review, providing I’ve seen the movie, I’ll do it. Maybe…
And please, please everyone… or one… comment on my site..
I so do love comments… Thanks to Mushie for making the first one yesterday XD
Very happy was I…

I’ll try to post a blog at least once a week, letting you know how things are going and stuff… and seeing as I do fuck all at the course, it will be a good day (Thursdays) to post my blog. It will give me plenty of time to think what to write, I’ll be writing reviews and stuff… so yeah… Thursdays it is… unless I have really important stuff to write, in which case I’ll be posting more often.

Lene

The Usual Suspects

This is my favorite kind of movie. The “Who dun it” kind.

Plot: “A boat has been destroyed, criminals are dead, and the key to this mystery lies with the only survivor and his twisted, convoluted story beginning with five career crooks in a seemingly random police lineup.”

I don’t know what’s best about this movie… the fact that Kevin Spacey is in it or the tiny hints you get along the way. If you don’t see them you’ll get a huge “OOOOOH!” experience at the end of the movie. The actors in this movie are just great, but since Kevin is one of my favorite actors I say that he out played them all.
After reading what Kevin Spacey did to get into the role of a man with CP, to make it believable (everything from gluing his fingers together to filing his shoes down to simulate wear and tare), one gets how much the man loves acting.

One last thing… HERE BE SPOILERS!!

 

The movie starts off with a guy lighting a cigarette and letting the Zippo fall to the floor where a line of petrol is waiting to get lit. As the flames travel across the floor it is stopped by someone taking pissing on it, putting out the flames. The pissing person then walks over to the smoking guy on the floor and towers over him. They exchange a few words before the pissing guy shoots the other guy and then drops his cigarette on the floor while walking away. The boat, where the floor was located, gets blown up.

We then cut to a police station where a man is being interrogated about the explosion, and he tells the story about how everything got started at a line up.

We then jump a few weeks back and hear the guy tell a story about a truck being hijacked and how someone was less than pleased about it. The police then start to arrest… the usual suspects. They all end up in the line up where they have to say “hand me the keys, you fucking cocksucker”.

(I feel the need to say that the movie is riddled with bad language, so if you’re faint of heart, DO NOT WATCH THIS FUCKING MOVIE! The word fuck and its derivatives is used a total of 98 times.)

They are then put in a holding cell while waiting for a lawyer. While waiting they are talking amongst themselves about who actually did the hijacking and so on, and they are somewhat introduced to each other.

McManus (Stephen Baldwin)
Fenster (Benicio Del Toro)
Hockney (Kevin Pollack)

Keaton (Gabriel Byrne)

‘Verbal’ Kint (Kevin Spacey)

Keaton has his wife, the lawyer, come down and get him out, so the rest of them are set free too. Later Verbal comes to see him about a job McManus suggested, to hit “New York’s Finest Taxi service”, a taxi service which brings smugglers etc. from one place to the next for a small fee. Verbal wants in on it, cause he needs the money, but Keaton wants none of it seeing as he no longer has anything to do with crime. But Verbal manages to talk Keaton into it, and so they hit the police car which is servicing a guy from somewhere bringing emeralds into the country.
A few police men are fired, the mess leads all the way up to police captains and the guys are very pleased with themselves.

McManus tells the rest of the guys, after having checked out the loot, that he has to go to Los Angeles to talk to a guy who’ll process the loot. The guys don’t like it and they tag along. There they are offered another job, to lift a suitcase off a guy. Keaton doesn’t like it. He only went along with one job. He doesn’t want to get dragged into another one. But eventually they do that job too. Verbal, who’s a “no killings, please” guy ends up killing the guy with the suitcase cause he doesn’t want to part with it. In the suitcase they find cocaine. (The whole time Verbal is being interrogated he brings up stories about his past life. And the Federal Agent who’s interviewing him, Kujan, keeps pushing Verbal into telling the story. Verbal, on the other hand, keeps dropping hints…)

After having seen the guy who processed the loot from the taxi service they go back to their lair… or hotel room… This is when a guy called Kobayashi turns up. Apparently he’s Japanese, although, in my ears, he sounds more Indian than Japanese.

He starts telling them that they all have done many bad things, all involving his boss, Keyser Soze, and that if they aren’t to meet a horrible death, they should all do one last job. They might die anyway, but at least they have a choice to die now or later. They then get one envelope each, with their names on it, containing their whole criminal life.

Not knowing who Keyser Soze is Verbal asks the rest who he is. He gets told a story about how he was a German/Turkish guy who was really large in the criminal world, that some people wanted his power and that Keyser killed his whole family because…

The next day Fenster turned up dead. He took the rest of the money the guys had scraped together and legged it, but he didn’t get far. So Keaton tried another strategy. They show Kobayashi that he’s not the only one who can get at people. But Kobayashi has an ace up his sleeve. He tells them that if they don’t do the job or something, they will lose one family member… or one of them will lose something dear to them… like testicles…

In the meantime the police have found a guy who survived the ship blowing up, and he is flailing in bed, screaming about Keyser Soze, which gets some attention. They get a sketch artist in to make a drawing and so on.

Verbal is still telling Kujan about how they did the job Keyser wanted them to do, even though none of the guys thought there was a Keyser Soze, that he was only a fairy tail. And they are talking about how real Keyser is. Kujan doesn’t seem to believe there is a Keyser either.

The job they are to do is to hit a boat to find cocaine. But on the boat, after killing loads of Turkish people, they find nothing. While Keaton and McManus are on the boat, Hockney gets killed. Also an old guy on the boat gets killed. Turns out he’s the only guy who can tell anyone who Keyser Soze really is.
After figuring out there is no cocaine, Keaton runs up on deck, where a bemused McManus walks towards him and then collapses, with a knife in his back. Then Keaton gets shot. All of this happens while Verbal watches.

Suddenly Kujan explodes on Verbal, telling him he doesn’t believe he could just let Keyser go without even trying to shot him. That if Keaton really was his friend, he’d help him. No, in fact, Keaton was Keyser, wasn’t he? And that was why Verbal was still alive. And the fact that Verbal was a cripple. That was the only reason why Verbal was alive.

 All of his loud words make Verbal think and cry. Why would Keaton try to save him? Because he was weak? (ugh, too much back and forth with these two)

Kujan wants to help Verbal too, to save him, because they both know that as soon as Verbal hits the streets Keyser will snatch him up. But Verbal wants to chance it. He leaves the office with the wonderful words “fucking cops”

As Verbal is hobbling down to where he can get his stuff, Kujan is drinking his coffee, watching the board on the wall, realizing that every story Verbal told was picked from there. He drops his mug, revealing a name under the cup: KOBAYASHI!
Kujan then jumps to his feet and runs after Verbal, just as a fax comes through from the hospital where the sketch artist is done. One of the cops look at the drawing and it’s… VERBAL KINT!
Verbal/Keyser is now hobbling down the street, on camera only his feet are showing, but the longer he walks, the more normal his walk get. Eventually the camera pan up his legs and you see his hand, he pulls his fingers apart, pick up a pack of cigarettes and light a smoke. A car stops next to him; Kobayashi is sitting in the driver’s seat. As Kujan is looking frantically left and right to spot Keyser, they drive off. End of movie.

The Fast and the Furious

Well… it’s actually every car movie, come to think of it. The Fast and the Furious, The Fast and the Furious; Tokyo Drift, Fast and Furious (even though this movie won’t come out till next year….) etc…etc….etc….
It’s all the same anyways….

Lead guy: blah blah blah
Side-kick guy: blah blah blah
Car: *vrooooom*

Bad guy: Mwoahahahahahaaaa
Car: *vroooom*

Lead guy: *saves the day*
Car: *vrooooom*

Me: Utterly and insanely boring, but at least the cars are kinda cool looking….

300

The summary I found about this movie was “King Leonidas and a force of 300 men fight the Persians at Thermopylae in 480 B.C.”
In it self this should (maybe) be something to catch your eye and make you want to watch the movie…
This is my review of this movie… or… play by play, if you will… or… something…
At least.. this is what I remember happened when I watched it… :3

Old guy: Go… go out and become a maaan…
Young sweaty kid: …ok… *gets kicked out of home, goes into the mountains and kills many beasts in a very manly fashion. He then returns home*
Old guy: YOU’RE A MAAAN!

*skip MANY years*
Sweaty man: Ah… life is good… but I have bad feelings… I have to go see the seer on the mountain. *and so he does*

Icky, old looking perv dude: Come… see the seer you must… I’ll translate…
Young, beautiful, yet very naked woman: *memory gap*
Icky, old looking perv dude: Bad news, I’m afraid…
Sweaty man: Damn… *leaves before a mass orgy of old limbs mingled with poor, young, innocent flesh bursts out*

Sweaty man: Ah, wife… I love you… *makes mad love with wife to make himself forget the mental images of said orgy*

Men from somewhere: blah blah blah blah…
Sweaty man: Blah blah blah?
Men from somewhere: blah blah blah…
Sweaty man: Blah?
Men from somewhere: blah blah blah…
Sweaty man: (with the words heard around the world) THIS! IS! SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! *kicks*
Pit: omnomnomnomnom…
Me: Oh, look… something interesting is on… *switches channel*

Clearly having well oiled muscles won’t keep me interested for very long. I’m sad to say that it takes very little in a movie to make me lose my interest. And then again, it takes very little to make me keep it. Just the kick into the pit made me want to keep watching, but then there was an endless boring part of getting the troops ready. I was sitting/lying on the couch going “OK, they are ready… ATTACK!!!” but no…
Then there’s all the hype about movies. This makes me take a step back, to be honest. If there is hype about a movie, over half the time you end up disappointed… or, at least I do. I get very skeptical when people go “OMIGOSHYOUHAVETOSEETHEMOVIEIT’SSOFUCKINGAMAZING!” because usually we have totally different tastes in good movie.  What might seem bad ass to me might seem utterly boring and a total waste of time to others. But this is why the movie industry have more than just one way of making movies.

Edit: I saw the last ten minutes of 300 the other day, and this is what I saw…

Woman and small child in a field, woman gives boy a necklace…. no context what so ever…

Cut to… Oh… Faramir out of armour… he looks kinda good without it… if he didn’t wear it in Lord of the Rings, then just maybe his father would have loved him more… especially if he wore a black speedos…
I mean… he REALLY buffed up… I’ve seen David Wenham out of clothes before (Better than sex, I think the movie was called) and wow…
Then the credits… Really now… it’s like a bloody version of Disney’s Hercules.

I caught a glimps of more of this movie the next night… and… well…

Sweaty guy: Who is this?
Some dude: It’s your son…
Sweaty guy: Oh, you’re right… why is he in this mans army? He hasn’t yet felt the warmth of a woman…
Some dude: True, but he is as old as we were when we fist went to war…
Sweaty guy: Ah, how right you are… that’s why you make such a great army guy…
Me: *switches to something else… TO MUCH TALK!!! JEESH! I have better things to do… LIKE BRUSH MY TEETH!*

Clearly there are something amiss here. When Lionitis (Yes, I know it’s Lionitus, but Lionitis sounds more fun… and has the twang of a horrible illness involving LOADS of hair) was a kid he got kicked out by his father to become A MAN! I can picture LOADS of geeky boys going “Oh, I see… if I slay me a fierce beast I will be a man… and goes out to kill the most horrible dog in the neighborhood, only to come back and watch the rest of the movie… “He’s not a man yet, cause he has not yet felt the warmth of a woman” meaning… he’s not a man yet, cause he hasn’t got laid… and the geeky boys go “NOW I’LL NEVER BECOME A MAN!!!” DX
Thanks movie….
 

 

The Host

First off I’d like to say that this is a Korean horror movie, and when I was watching the movie and read the plot thingie for this movie, it said that it was about a sea monster, holding a young girl hostage.
Also I’d like to say that I don’t have the privilege of knowing the Korean language intimately except maybe “kam sam mida” (I probably misspelled it) which means thank you, if I’m not too mistaken.. so seeing as that’s the range of my Korean knowhow, you see the problem watching a Korean movie… without subtitles…
Oh, and one more thing… HERE BE SPOILERS!

The thing that caught my eye about this movie was how it started. A scientist or something told his co-worker to dump gallons upon gallons of formaldehyde down the drain. The poor co-worker didn’t want to do it, seeing as it would kill just about everything… The (now mad in my eyes) scientist told the guy to do it, because the bottles were covered in dust… so I’m assuming they never used them anyway… This first bit was in English, btw, so I understood that, but my memory is somewhat gapy at this point… anyways… the co-worker goes ahead and dumps the liquid into the sink, and the fumes and smoke rising from it could, I believe, strip a room of paint and wallpaper in 3 seconds flat…

Cut to two fishermen standing in a river, and I’m now assuming this is the river where the stuff was dumped, and one of them sees something, grasps his cup to catch the thing, and he does (YAY). They both stand there ogling it, and one stupidly puts his finger into the cup and screams bloody murder when the thing nips him.  And he then drops the cup, and the thing makes its escape.

Cut to… a guy in a kiosk, slumped over the candy DEAD!!!! Or asleep… one cannot tell, seeing as he doesn’t move. A young child sneaks up to the counter, hand hovering over the goodies, then runs away when an older guy comes along and picks out a few beers from the fridge. The dead guy wakes up, looks around and puts his head back down.
Then something happens to stoke the fire under his ass, cause he suddenly gets his ass in gear, running around and falling down. A teenaged girl comes into frame, and the guy is very pleased to see her. Seeing as I have no idea what they are talking about, I’m assuming this guy is brother/uncle/father to this girl and she is… well, you get the idea… The old guy will be called gramps, cause he’s the oldest there…
She jumps into the trailer/kiosk to watch TV with gramps, to watch archery contest where apparently her mother/sister/aunt is competing. While all this is happening, the sleepy guy is running around making grilled octopus (minus one tentacle, which sleepy guy stole) for the masses outside in the park. He then proceeds to serve the masses beer and grilled octopus. But hark, the masses aren’t hungry… they are watching something odd… Turn camera to show what they are watching. A thing, hanging from a bridge. The thing uncurls and splashes into the water and swims gingerly over to the masses. The masses start to chatter, and sleepy guy throws a can of beer into the water. The thing snaps it up like it was a chameleon. This makes the masses go wild with excitement, and they start throwing loads of stuff into the water. Apparently this displeases the creature, and it jumps out of the water and starts attacking the masses. The only thing I can say is that it kind of looks like a coelacanth, with massive upper arm muscles and no hind limbs. Oh, and a four-five cleft mouth.
The girl inside the trailer with gramps is very disappointed when sister/aunt/mother doesn’t win the contest, and she walks out, unaware of the turmoil around her. Then suddenly, out of the blue, sleepy guy grabs her by the arm and they run like hell… (I have to say that loads have happened in the meantime, but I can’t be bothered to review ALL of it) but unfortunately sleepy guy stumbles and looses the grip on girl. He grabs the nearest hand he can find, without looking, of course, and starts running again. From the camera angle you can already tell that he grabbed the wrong person, and as the camera angle changes, a girl, looking nothing like THE girl, comes into view. Someone picks her up and gives sleepy guy the look of “Oh, you kidnapping bastard! Keep your hands of her!” and as the sleepy guy realizes his mistake, he turns, and watches as the big fishie runs up behind her, grabs her by its tail and jump into the water. In horror the sleepy guy watches as the shadow of the fish swims across the river and walks ashore on the other side, harks up a previous human meal and noms the girl.
Thinking her dead, they all gather at a makeshift “Place where you can find a picture of all the people who died”. Sleepy guy is sobbing uncontrollably, gramps is most miserable, and suddenly there is a new guy there. I’m assuming he’s the girls other uncle or something, and out of the blue sister/mother/aunt archery contester enters, and they all make a terrible scene in front of the picture of THE girl. Then, the authorities, in their kindness, kick everybody out… well, except the people who have been in contact with the water and/or the fish.  They are taken to someplace. I really don’t know what it is and why they are there. I’m assuming the Korean authorities don’t like big fish and will keep everyone who has seen large fish in hospital conditions forever and ever. (I must add that on the bus ride to the hospital place, they watched an infomercial about REALLY bad acne attacks… go figure… (I’m guessing too much fish isn’t good for you)). While sleepy guy is munching on canned… something… his cell phone rings, and lo and behold, I think, it’s THE girl. SHE’S NOT DEAD! And this makes them, of course, run away.

Cut to The girl in a pit, all alone, with dead bodies all around. In the distance she hears the fish come home from a hard day at work and she hides in a hole in the wall.
(Again, my memory escapes me).

Cut to… the family of The girl trying to find a way to find the girl and so on… oh, and try to stay one step ahead of the authorities… They walk into a sewer system, calling, I think , for the girl. They sure as heck don’t know how to use a flashlight, because they were turning the flashlight back and forth like mad. I couldn’t see anything, and it’s not really amazing that they didn’t find anything either. They gathered at a large room, and thought they saw something, but it turned out to be a young boy and a younger boy, which they didn’t see. We follow the two young kids out of the sewers and up in the banks. A car drives past and they hide. When they come out of hiding the fish comes at them and nomnomnom…
They are taking back to the pit where the girl is being held and it turns out that the younger of the two survived. The girls takes it upon herself to care for him and keep him from harm, which in its self is kinda hard when there’s a large fish ready to eat you at any point.

The family take refuge in the old trailer, make dinner and sleep a little. That is, till sleepy guy notices large fishie sitting outside, face upturned, drinking rainwater. Gramps takes aim with a gun, which I don’t remember where comes from, and shots the darn thing. Unfortunately this doesn’t kill the beast, only makes it angry, and it attacks the trailer, turning it on its side with the whole family inside. They all burst out of the trailer, guns blazing, and the thing runs off. They head down to the riverside to catch it before it vanishes into the murky depths. And they do. The thing comes running at gramps, who is telling the others to get the heck out of there (I’m assuming. He could have told them to get some bait, for all I know. Or, which would be more understandable, a sushi chef). Seeing as gramps doesn’t have any more bullets in his gun, sleepy guy tell him he has one left (I think… ) and hands him his gun. He turns to the beast, aims and shots. *click* (and we see sleepy guy count on his fingers) they both realize gramps is f*cked. The fish munches gramps, then grab him with its tail and bash him to the ground, just for the hell of it. Needless to say, gramps is dead… Sister/aunt/mother and other guy runs away, while sleepy guy can’t make himself leave gramps… much like Sam won’t/can’t leave Frodo…
So… Sleepy guy is taken away to a hospital thingie again. And this is the only part where I understood what was going on… An American comes into the room, with an interpreter. He says that “we think your daughter is alive” (OOOooh… ) “If you knew why didn’t tell anyone?” and the sleepy guy says “No one never listens to me” and this is when my boyfriend came into the room and started talking to me, so I missed SO much. But I did hear something about sleepy guy having a virus, and that the virus had reached his brain and that they had to drill his head… ask me not why… I’m guessing to find a cure. Next thing we see if sleepy guy screaming bloody murder while people are setting drill points on his forehead and stuff. Thankfully we don’t see the drilling, but after this we see him slumped in a chair, band aid on forehead, looking kinda beat. And a nurse is taking some blood from him. Why, I don’t know. I would think they got enough blood from him while they were drilling in his brain. She nudges him to make him come to, but he won’t budge. Then HAHA! he wakes up, grabs the syringe and takes the nurse hostage. He threatens the others to either stand still and lie down or get out of the way and stand still, cause they were all as confused as I were… They didn’t seem to know which way to turn. But they get out of the hospital trailer into a parking lot with a barbeque. He gets away. Sister/aunt/mother has been hiding in a bridge hole and comes out, determined to find the girl. The other guy was almost handed over to the authorities, I think, when his office co-workers turned on him. He managed to escape too, with the plans over the sewer system. Well, he almost gets caught on the streets when police cars drive into frame, but he jumps over a fence and falls far but he manages to text message sister/aunt/mother to let her know where the find the girl before he passes out.

The girl and the boy are having a hard time in the pit. There is no way to get out, but girl is very resourceful, taking a baton from one of the dead people and tie clothes to it. She throws it up on a grid which is over the pit and it holds (yay). Unfortunately, it’s too short. This is when the beast comes back, and the kids run into the hole. She covers his eyes while the beast vomits tons and tons of bones of all the people he has eaten, and… a can of beer (it still had its fizz). A little later the beast is sleeping, and the kids dare to venture out of the hole. The girl picks up the beer can and throws it at the beast. It doesn’t move, so she’s assuming it’s fast asleep. She then runs up its back and grabs the clothes and start to climb. Halfway up we hear growling, and we see her hand slip of the make shift rope, but she doesn’t fall. We then get a wide view of the beast holding the girl in its tail. It puts her down and continues its slumber, or so we are lead to believe. The girl runs over to the boy and they try to make it into the hole but we see massive jaws clamp around them, and then darkness.

Father has made his way to the pit, crawls down into it, sees the girl’s school jacket, and then crawls back out.
Other guy wakes up on the streets and starts talking to a homeless guy not far from him, telling him, I think, that he needs his empty beer bottles to save the environment, but the homeless guy doesn’t like this and smashed an empty bottle over the head of the guy. But the soon make peace with each other; take a taxi to the river, to the horror of the taxi driver, seeing as they are making Molotov cocktails in the backseat.
Sister/aunt/mother has made her way to the sewer, seen the beast, tried to hit it with an arrow, got knocked off her feet into a ditch… she wakes up to the screams of sleepy guy and see the beast run out of the sewer system.

On the other side of the river the authorities have made a vaccine to a virus… of course there are people protesting this, seeing as the distribution of said vaccine is dumping it on people from a huge yellow thing.
Needless to say the party is short lived when the creature runs ashore, killing people… again…
The vaccine is dumped on the beast, and its back fin drops off… and it’s a flapping fish.
So many things are going on; it’s hard to put it all in the right order… But the homeless guy manages to climb above the creature and starts dumping the gasoline on the creature. It thinks it is rain and guzzles it down. The other guy, who has been Molotoving the hell out of the creature just seconds before, has one cocktail left. When he sees the beast drinking the gasoline, he smiles evilly (although, we don’t get to see it, but that’s what I would have done) and runs up to the creature, ready to throw the last bottle. Unfortunately, his fingers slip and the last bottle smashes to the ground behind him. Fortunately, Aunt/mother/sister has one arrow left, picks up a flaming marshmallow (that’s what it looks like, anyway) and fires it into the mouth of the beast. What they didn’t count on was that the fish doesn’t like being on fire and it soon runs around like its hair was on fire. Sleepy guy grabs a signpost, smashes the concrete base and flicks away the sign bit, and stand ready to impale the beast. And he does. Oh, I have forgotten to tell you about the part where the beast passes out and sleepy guy pulls the girl out of the beast’s mouth. She’s holding the boy. This happens before the beast guzzles gasoline.

After the beast is dead they are holding the girl, mourning her. But then sleepy guy walks over to the boy and nudges him. HE’S ALIVE!
After this they live in the old trailer, selling stuff and eating when they want to, and keeping an eye out for any creatures that don’t belong on this earth.


The End

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