Category Archives: Blog

Mood: Pretty good
Listening to: Aavak playing Stardew Valley. I’m addicted to this game. It’s cute and funny and awesome.

Hey!
Again, it’s been a long time since I posted. And I KNOOOOW… I should get better at posting more often, but honestly, I don’t know what to write about. I mean, I could write what I’ve been hinting and teasing about. Oh, what the hell. I’m done with her anyway.  It’ll be like a diary thing, posting dates from when things happened. It’ll be a long ass post, but yeah… commence cleansing.

10/7-2016 (this is when I started taking notes…which is why the dates later are all borked)
I have to write this while I remember it. I have mentioned it in my blog, but it’s a censured version. Later, when I have nothing to do with Liv any more, I’ll write the whole story. But for right now we might need her and it’s best to keep the peace. But I won’t write the full name (well, fuck. Oh well.. whatever)

I went back to Bergen on June 7th to help and aid my brother taking care of dad. A week before he got the news that the cancer had stopped responding to the chemo and that it was best to stop treatment and focus more about his well-being. It came as a slap in the face, putting it mildly. I had always hoped that it would take longer before this moment happened, but there it was. I also think dad had hoped he had longer. And I don’t know if he was all together honest with me when he told me about the cancer. But it’s also possible that I have supplanted a few things he told me…or just forgot. It was a heavy blow to learn that he had cancer when he told me, and it was a lot of information for my little head to take in. Anyway…
Tuesday the 7th of June I came home and was shocked to see how much he had changed from the last time I was home. He looked so frail. His hair was almost gone and all his muscles had melted away. And his voice was almost gone..and I think he knew it was nearing the end. He was very emotional and crying, and we comforted him as best we could. He also said he wanted me to have financial authorization of his accounts and such. (yay…. -_-)

We had dinner and dad had a little. After dinner we talked and suddenly he wanted to go to bed. After that my brother and I talked and he told me what he’s been through.. that he was exhausted from his illness and having to take care of dad and all that.

Wednesday 8/6
The Home nurse came and checked on dad. He said he was having major stomach pains and that he felt constipated. His GP also came, earlier agreement, and they agreed that dad would be sent to hospital to have the “plug” removed. So I got to ride in an Ambulance. And then I sat, in the waiting room, for three hours waiting for information, having to suffer through Norwegian soap… *shudder* Eventually I got to talk to dad as he came out of the bathroom… He was then wheeled into a four-man-room and he told me I could just go home. I asked him if he was sure and he said yeah. My brother had hit the town to unwind, so when I came home I was all alone. I had hoped to grab a burger or something, but there were no burger joint near the hospital. Luckily my brother said he’d bring me some. It was a good burger.

Thursday 9/6
Dad came home from the hospital. My brother went there to get him and they rode back in an ambulance, so he got to ride in one too… One of the ambulance drivers helped my dad up the stairs into bed. He was complaining about pain and he got a quick-working morphine. As the day went he moved from bed into the living room and for a second he was totally wasted, gesticulating wildly, and in that second I saw old dad. The one he was before the cancer and the pain. And it was like a knife through my heart, to know that he wouldn’t be there much longer.
He had such bad pains. The morphine didn’t help at all, and I don’t think he got any pain relief when he was at the hospital. My brother sat up with him most of the night.

Friday 10/6
I got up around 6am. Dad called me from the living room, wanting to go to the bathroom. I helped as best I could, but he had no energy. I helped him into the bathroom, closed the door and sat down on a chair in his bedroom, waiting. And then I heard him falling and a heart wrenching cry. I was so sure he was sprawled on the bathroom floor, but when I yanked the door open, he was on the toiled. Having no energy to ease onto the seat he simply smacked his bony butt down and yeah… hurt his ass.. I then helped him into bed and he said he had to give himself an enema. He tried, at least, but he couldn’t squeeze the tiny tube.. so I had to do it. He looked at me and said “I’m sorry, but you’ll have to do it”
Not one of my top things to do, but you gotta do what you gotta do, right?
Later the home nurse came and she told us that we were getting a toilet chair, a wheelchair, a shower chair and so on. And they got the whole responsibility for his medicine. Up until then my brother, who can do it, he was a nurse of sorts, had had the responsibility and he was happy to let them have it. She also called the head office, and it was decided that, since he was in such pain, they would send him back to hospital for pain treatment. My brother went with him, and I was alone again. There were things I wanted to take care of while they were away, cleaning floors, dusting and such. And since he had given me authorization, and we had talked about it when he was lucid, that I would transfer some money to me and my brother to make things easier for us after dad died… but the codes he had given me didn’t work. So I ended up using them too many times and shutting the bank site for me.
Liv was also came to visit. This was because I had told dad about the trouble I was having with getting into the bank, and he called her and told her to transfer money to us. She came by to ask about it, because if we were to borrow money from her, we had to agree on rates and so on. I told her that she didn’t have to lend us money, that I had some stashed away. And we talked about a lot of other things. She also bombarded me with information about what I had to do, what would happen and so on, none of which I remember now. But when she left I felt so scared and alone. And I had a small breakdown and I couldn’t stop crying. Everything seemed so hopeless and difficult. Luckily Jan called me and he calmed me down. “It’ll be fine. I’ll help you. You don’t have to worry about a thing.” I’m so glad he called. My guess is that his “Lene is distressed” senses were tingling.
My brother came home eventually and said that dad had gotten painkiller and he was totally wasted. Unfortunately he was put in a 4-man-room again, but at least he was getting treatment.

Saturday 11/6
I went to the hospital to visit dad. He was sleeping. I was there for a few hours. Crying. Reading. Talking to him, letting him know that I was there. He came to when the nurses took his temperature and stuff, and I think he registered me being there. At least I hope so. He also had a CT-scan of his stomach and he slept through everything. Eventually I decided to meet up with my brother and mom in town on Madam Felle at Bryggen. I almost managed to sit down before I started bawling. So, we spend the day talking, drinking, having a lovely dinner at China Palace and then we went to Bocca. A magnificent bar downtown Bergen…and the Drag Queens there were fucking fantastic.
During the evening the hospital called and informed us that dad was sleeping a lot and that it might be a sign that things were getting near the end. But my brother, who got the phone, didn’t get the impression that is was imminent. Eventually we went home.

Sunday 12/6
The hospital called and said dad’s kidneys were starting to fail. My brother got a ride from Liv to go to the hospital. I stayed at home and did more house stuff. I had put a load in when my brother called and said Liv was on the way to pick me up. Dad was very not good. As I was changing clothes I frantically called Jan and told him about what was happening. He was shocked. Liv came and had to take a break first before we went back to hospital. I told her that I had called Jan and that he had said he would be there the following Thursday and she said “Why?”. And I got annoyed.. Like.. whey the hell do you think? But I just said I wanted him there.
She then said that we should stop at an ATM and use dads card to take out money..and I asked how much and she answered “as much as you can.” I had dads card and a code, but I had no idea if the code was for the card. I said we could go to a gas station and see if it worked there. So, we stopped at a Shell station and I got us some sodas and I tried the card.. and it was the wrong code. So we had no other choice than to go to the hospital. We came up to the room and he was sleeping, taking very deep breaths and his eyes were half open. My brother went out to get some “fresh air” and I sat down and talked to dad, telling him we were there and that we loved him and so on. My brother came back and Liv left the room. My brother sat down a and held his left hand while I held dad’s right. We sat like that for about 20 min and his breathing became deeper, but longer and longer between each one. at 1pm he stopped breathing and died. I don’t know if I can call it peaceful, because it sounded so terrible hearing him fight for breath in a way and not getting it.
But that was it. It wasn’t the end we had hoped for him. He was going to become older than 64, he was supposed to travel the land, enjoying his RV. I guess Jan and I will have to do that for him now.
Liv came into the room and was shocked that he was gone. A short while later a nurse came in and went to get a doctor to confirm that he was indeed gone. There really wasn’t much we could do for him, so we went home. Liv drove us. On the way home she started telling us what we had to do and so on. Again, loads of information I don’t remember now because I had JUST LOST MY DAD!!! My brother told her, kindly, that we appreciated the information and thanked her for it, but now was not the time. She sat quiet for a minute, and then started up again, talking about meaningless things. I don’t think she can help it.
We got home and I called Jan. Poor thing was shocked that it happened so fast and sad that he wasn’t there to say goodbye. The rest of the day and night we listened to music and tried to keep out mood up. A tough job.

Monday 13/6
Planning the funeral started. I called Bergen og Omeng Begraveleses hjelp and they said they’d visit the next day. My brother started calling friend and colleges of our dad to tell them about his passing. They were all shocked. The funeral place put me in contact with a guy from Humane Ethics Federation, since we both agreed that we wanted a civil funeral for dad. He was never a religious person, and we wanted more focus on him than on God and Jesus.
Anyway, the guy I talked to seemed like a really nice guy on the phone. Mom came to us and stayed. She was shocked too, poor thing. She had planned on visiting him that Sunday, but she had gotten a cold so she decided not to. And we started to look around for things to throw away. We knew that none of us would be able to live in the house and that we’d have to empty it to sell it. That’s when we came across the love letters…from -92.. when mum and dad were still married. From what we read we found out why they got a divorce. Dad had cheated on mom. It was good, in a way, to find out why. And if didn’t change anything. It was so long ago, and we all make mistakes, have flaws and faults. We also found pictures of dad with his other old girlfriend. In the nude. It all went in the fireplace.
When I was young I found my dad’s porn stash in the attic. We found more porn/erotica in his closets. A LOT of DVD’s in the office..
It’s all natural and normal, so it’s not shocking…but it’s still not a side I wanted to know about dad.. hehehe.
But my god the amounts of papers he had. Home-guard, his gun club, banking things. A lot to go through and figure out what to throw out and what to shred. Men we decided not to start doing that until after the funeral. It was held at Mollendal Kapell at 12.30 on the 22/6
After the fineral, he was being cremated, we had a get together at a Yacht Club not far from where my dad lived. He had a buffet for 60 people, and I had to admit that I was scared when I saw how many people were at the chapel that we wouldn’t have enough food. But it went great. The food was delicious. We had chicken thighs, salmon, salads, fruits, meat patties. The dessert was a lemon fromage and a chocolate fromage, and they were divine.
I feel I’m jumping too far ahead.
The Funeral was beautiful. My brother and I wanted music by The Beatles since dad liked them so much. We decided on “Let it be”. I also wanted Gabriel’s Obo preformed by Yo Yo-ma. We also wanted “The show must go on” by Queen, but Liv absolutely wanted “Time to say goodbye”, which is the worlds largest cliché, but whatever. Before the funeral “Tir na noir”, “Blackbird” and one more played, and it was perfect. The funeral guy had a wonderful speech about dad, his life and his way of being. It was really tough, but Jan was there to hold my hand through it all. At the end of the ceremony the casket was lowered into the ground and we put roses on it. It’s one of the toughest things I’ve ever had to do.
After that we stood in the doorway and received condolences from the attendees.
(I feel I have to add here that on the friday, the day after Jan came, we went to IKEA to get a mattress for dads bed. The one that was on the bed was so sweated through by dad. He had terrible night sweats.
We spend one night in the tiniest double bed in the world in the basement, and it was no good for us. Right before we left for IKEA Liv called and “complained” that she wasn’t mentioned in the obituary in the newspaper. As far as I know friends (former girlfriends) go under “other family and friends”. If they had an actual relationship when dad died, other than she coming around to chew a hole in his head about the latest cancer treatment, then I’d mention her. But her neighbours had mentioned how odd it was that she hadn’t been mentioned. Why the hell should I care what the hell her neighbours think?? I don’t even care what my neighbours think! SO I got rather pissed off over the extra thing she put on me. I felt as if I could do nothing right. And my mom said she had never seen me that pissed off. Luckily my brother called the newspaper and had them put the obituary in again…with her name in it… but seriously. Really???
So, we got the mattress and slept well after that.
We also invited Liv over for dinner on the 19th of June. We had a pork rib with crackling in the freezer we needed to get rid of. She, Liv, was rather surprised and worried that mom was there. It makes me wonder how her family dynamic works. To us it’s natural to gather and share the sorrow, to make it easier for everyone to bare. But I also wonder what dad had said about mom… and if it was said in anger.
Anyway… after the dinner the unpleasantness started. Liv had found a bottle of Drambui and was spewing bile everywhere. Mostly towards mom. At one point she told her to shut the fuck up…at which point we all attacked her. You don’t tell any of us to shut the fuck up.
At one point the funeral guy called and asked about something, so I had to step away. When I came back my brother had told Liv about the love letter we found and that dad had been unfaithful. At which point she turns towards mom and seriously asks “What did you do to make him do that?” She kept making it seem like it was all mom’s fault that dad had cheated on her. As far as mom knew they had a great relationship.
And all this time she had tried to make me feel like an idiot, only to find out she’s fucking stupid.
Anyway.. she started throwing up and fell down on a potter plant…and threw up some more, passed out on the sofa..threw up some more… eventually my brother walked her home. None of them remembered much.

So..during the funeral and after it, for that matter, she kept to herself mostly, acting like a fucking queen. At least we had a good time. It was something my dad would have wanted, a good party. But not overly so. They were all telling us that the ceremony had been lovely and it pleased me so much. Liv told me that it had been nice… I guess that’s as good as I can get from her. She couldn’t even say “Oh, well done” when I told her that I just had released a book in English. She said “One should probably master ones own language before attempting a new one”. So, I don’t think she is capable of being pleased for anyone.
She claimed the reason why she got so drunk was because she didn’t drink too much, but we know different. And anyway… all in moderation. Especially when things are iffy. Don’t get drunk.

There is more coming, but right now I don’t have the time. I have work soon and I need a shower before I go.
But yeah. The juicy is yet to come, so stay tuned.
And! Above all else.. be good to yourself, and each other

Lene

Hey.

Yeah, it’s been ages. And I have been meaning to post something for ages, but I haven’t had anything really to write about. Which is weird because this has been some of the most busy months for me. We’ve been busy dealing with selling dad’s house and a lot of other things.
But the thing I really want to write about has to wait a little longer. The story behind the story. It’ll be a long entry, but I want it out, but now is not the time. I know I’m being cryptic. And why shouldn’t I? I want you to stay interested.
But I can promise you it has drama.

I’m also struggling a lot with feelings of guilt. I feel terrible that we sold the house. I feel terrible for what happened to my dad right before he died, the pain he had to go through. It also struck me the other day that “shit, he won’t be around for Christmas.” Do I pick up the thread where he left off? Do I buy Christmas gifts for my cousins instead? I don’t want them to miss out, you know.. even though they are as old as I am.
But I must soldier on. I can’t lay down and let it get to me.
First thing on the agenda… a shower.

I promise my story will be told. And I will do it soon…ish. I just have to figure out the right time.

Be good to yourself. And each other.

Lene

I know I’ve done this before, but I thought it’s about time to do this again. I mean, I am getting older, and my views might have changed a little… But I’ll try hard not to answer the questions in the same manner this time around. Here we go:

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4
“arrogant fyr som… han hadde et fornemt narvn og…” (Kepler – Paganinikontrakten)

2.Stretch your left arm out as far as you can, What can you touch?
The monitor to my ps3, loudspeakers to said monitor and body lotion.

3.Before you started this survey, what were you doing?
Watching TheRadBrad play Edge of Nowhere (VR)

4.What is the last thing you watched on TV?
Oh boy… I think it must have been Midsomer Murders

5.Without looking, guess what time it is
11:35

6.Now look at the clock. What is the actual time?
11:35 YEH, BOI!!!!

7.With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
TheRadBrad talking about playing Edge of Nowhere and construction work going on outside

8.When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
I stepped outside yesterday and I was visited by a friend who brought me flowers ^_^ And we were talking about everything and nothing, like we always do.

9. Did you dream last night?
Boy, did I ever…

10. Do you remember your dreams?
Yes, most of them. Last night I was dreaming about the entity again. The invisible one that keeps turning up and I have to forcefully tell it to leave me alone.

11. When did you last laugh?
Not too long ago. Like.. an hour or so… idk.

12. Do you remember why / at what?
Yes, I do. I was watching a Rooster Teeth thing, and they are funny. Especially when Meg Turney is in the mix. And she was this time, so it worked out great.

13. What is on the walls of the room you are in?
Nothing. After we redid the room we haven’t gotten that far yet as to hang pictures and stuff.. AND I have some plans for the pictures, so yeah…

14. Seen anything weird lately?
Like in person or…? In person, no.. On youtube, yes.

15. What do you think of this quiz?
So far so good…

16. What is the last film you saw?
The Transatlantic Tunnel from 1935. (Don’t! Just…don’t!)

17. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?
I’m very happy here, actually. But.. as long as my lovely hubby is with me, I’d be happy anywhere in the world.

18. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
My family home. Remodel it and use it as a summer house.

19. Tell me something about you that most people don’t know.
I can touch my nose with my tongue.

20. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
I said ban religion last time…so I’ll go with : ban politics! But that wouldn’t work, so… hmm.. that’s a tough one. I don’t know.. Just try to make people more open-minded and  accepting of others.

21. Do you like to dance?
Yes!

22. Would you ever consider living abroad?
Depends where it is. If Turkey, HELL NO!!!! Hawaii…maybe.. Tropical island.. totally..

23. Does your name make any interesting anagrams?
No.

24. Who made the last incoming call on your phone?
Hubby called me.

25. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
The Discord app.

26. Last time you swam in a pool?
It’s been ages.

27. Type of music you like most?
I like most of anything. I’ll listen to anything, almost…

28. Type of music you dislike most?
Experimental jazz, R.E.M, Bieber crap and Norwegian rap…

29. Are you listening to music right now?
No, I’m listening to TheRadBrad still playing Edge of Nowhere

30. What color is your bedroom carpet?
Boring blue. But I’m hoping we’ll change that soon.. make it an oak coloured floor. Me like that.

31. If you could change something about your home, without worry about expense or mess, what would you do?
The bathroom.

32. What was the last thing you bought?
Underwear.

33. Have you ever ridden on a motorbike?
No.

34. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
No, I don’t have a deathwish.

35. Do you have a garden?
Yes. A big one. Not that size matters…

36. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem?
The first verse, yes.

37. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning?
Morning already?

38. If you could eat lunch with one famous person, who would it be?
Neil deGrasse Tyson. I like good thinkers.

39. Who sent the last text message you received?
My hubby.

40. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
None. I don’t want to become a debt slave just so that I can have nice things. I’d rather wait and buy things when I can afford them.

41. What time is bed time?
Anytime!! Because I’m an adult!! But it used to be 10pm, but lately it’s been closer to 11pm…

42. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?
Haha.. no..

43. How many tattoos do you have?
Still just the one.. Hoping to get more soon.

44. If you don’t have any, have you ever thought of getting one?
eh… see above…

45. What did you do for your last birthday?
Celebrate, of course.. duh.

46. Do you carry a donor card?
Yes.

47. Who was the last person you ate dinner with?
My hubby.

48. Is the glass half empty or half full?
It’s still half full. But sometimes it’s harder to judge, but I’m getting to half full full time soon.

49. What’s the farthest-away place you’ve been?
Rhodes.

50. When’s the last time you ate a homegrown tomato?
I have no idea… Wait.. February, I think.

51. Have you ever won a trophy?
No, but I’ve won a medal.

52. Are you a good cook?
Yes.

53. Do you know how to pump your own gas?
Sure, can’t be that hard.

54. If you could meet any one person (from history or currently alive), who would it be?
Last time I said Carl Sagan, but I think I’ll say Hideo Kojima. I want to thank him for giving us Snake… <3

55. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to school?
No.

56. Do you touch-type?
Yes. I’m doing it right now.

57. What’s under your bed?
Dust bunnies and bugs, probably.

58. Do you believe in love at first sight?
Yes, I do.

59. Think fast, what do you like right now?
I like playing games.

60. Where were you on Valentine’s day?
I was visiting my dad, making him lots and lots of cakes. I’m glad he got to enjoy them before he died.

61. What time do you get up?
7.30am

62. What was the name of your first pet?
Goldie.

63. Who is the second to last person to call you?
My job.

64. Is there anything going on this weekend?
On Saturday I have work from 2pm to 6pm and after that it’s home for dinner and drinks. Then on Sunday we’ll be packing our stuff for our vacation.

65. How are you feeling right now?
I’m feeling pretty darned good.

66. What do you think about the most?
At the moment it’s a mix of a lot of things. My dad passing, things that needs to be done both here and at my dads house… and also about streaming and how I hope I get more time to do it soon.

67. What time do you get up in the morning?
We covered this… 7:30am

68. If you had A Big Win in the Lottery, how long would you wait to tell people?
Hehe.. I don’t know.

69. Who would you tell first?
My hubby, of course.

70. What is the last movie that you saw at the cinema?
I saw the last The Hobbit movie.

71. Do you sing in the shower?
Yes!

72. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
Again??? Have you checked your questions before posting them???

73. What do you do most when you are bored?
Watch Youtube and/or play games.

74. What do you do for a living?
I work at a store (and am trying my hand at being a writer).

75. Do you love your job?
Yes!

76. What did you want to be when you grew up?
A lot of things. Hairdresser, airline stewardess… I think that was about it…

77. If you could have any job, what would you want to do/be?
Full time streamer?

78. Which came first the chicken or the egg?
The egg. See, the dinosaurs laid eggs before the chicken even became chickens….

79. How many keys on your key ring?
Two.

80. Where would you retire to?
I don’t know. I think I’d not retire to anywhere.. I’d play more games, keep my mind occupied, but I wouldn’t want to go anywhere..

81. What kind of car do you drive?
None… yet…

82. What are your best physical features?
My eyes are pretty, my boobs are banging and my ass is pretty nicely rounded.. but everything in between is mush..

83. What are your best characteristics?
I don’t take myself too seriously, but I won’t let anyone walk over me.

84. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would you go?
The Arctic Circle.

85. What kind of books do you like to read?
Horror, mystery, science-fiction…

86. Where would you want to retire to?
Jesus.. this again?? How about the Bahamas??

87. What is your favorite time of the day?
I like dusk. Dusk is nice.. But also night, when the stars come out.

88. Where did you grow up?
In Bergen.

89. How far away from your birthplace do you live now?
It’s about 8-9 hours by car.

90. What are you reading now?
A lot of books. The Dark Tower series by Stephen King, The Hypnotist  by Kepler, The Paganinicontract by Kepler… another one by King..

91. Are you a morning person or a night owl?
Morning person, for sure.

92. Can you touch your nose with your tongue?
*sighs* Yes…

93. Can you close your eyes and raise your eyebrows?
Is that a thing people can’t do? Yes, of course I can…

94. Do you have pets?
No, I don’t, sadly..

95. How many rings before you answer the phone?
Depends who’s calling. And I don’t have a ring-ring tone.. I have Markiplier singing “Oh, bitch I’m fabulous”.

96. What is your best childhood memory?
The smell of freshly cut grass, melting lead and gun oil, the taste of sour weed.

97. What are some of the different jobs that you have had in your life?
I think I’ve had 6 different work places.

98. Any new and exciting things that you would like to share?
I have Oblivion, Metal Gear Solid (a few games), Silent hill (a few games), Dead Space 1 and 2 and a lot more games to stream. Might not be new news, but I’m excited about it none the less… especially since my Elgato FINALLY GOT FIXED!!! WOOOOT

99. What is most important in life?
Love others, accept others, don’t judge before you know the whole truth…but most most important: Love yourself.

100. What Inspires You?
A lot of things inspire me. It all depends what you mean by inspire, though. I mean, last time I said that a good piece of music can inspire me to write and a bad piece of music can inspire me to punch babies (not that I’d ever do that.. seriously)…
Honestly, though..right now I can’t think of anything.. how lame is that.. lol

I guess that concludes our “catching up with Lene”. Not a lot has changed.
Maybe in another few years I’ll find one of these question things that has new questions. Or maybe I could have read through them before I posted it.. Oh well. Live and learn, eh?
I hope you have a wonderful day. Take care of yourself, and each other..

Lene

Listening to: Dance with the Dead – Invader
Mood: Pretty good, considering.

I know I’ve been gone for a long time, and I’ve done so with intention. As you might know my dad had cancer. And he was getting treatment for it. I went to visit and help him on June 7th and he was doing pretty well…considering.
He had, a week before, talked to a doctor, after having been so bad, health wise, that he was put in hospital; and the doctor said that the cancer wasn’t responding to treatment and it was best just to stop treatment and focus on his well-being. So, he was doing well on the 7th. Reduced and emotional, wanting reassurance from us about things and so on, and giving me legal right from him to access his bank account. However, he was pretty drugged up so he couldn’t give me the right codes. He ate a little that day and went to bed early. The next day, Wednesday, his GP came to check on him and he felt that, since my dad was struggling with constipation, it was best to go to the hospital again to have the “plug” removed. So I got to ride in an ambulance. But I also saw just how bad he was, then. How jaundiced. So I sat in the waiting room for three hours waiting for my dad to get treated. When they finally got me he was in the bathroom. And then he sent me away. I told him I’d be happy to stay with him, but he said no. So I left, feeling like a bitch. My brother came to pick him up the next day, so he got to ride in an ambulance, too. One of the ambulance guys helped my dad up the stairs and saw to it that he was OK. Very nice and helpful guys. So, my brother and I spent the day helping our dad into his bed, and then into the living room, back into bed and so on because he was in such pain. I don’t think they gave him pain relief at all when he was in hospital, even thought they have his journal and all that. And we tried to call the Home-Aid people to have them come give him something, but they didn’t answer the phone because it was after hours and we had to call a special number and we couldn’t fine the piece of paper with the number on it. So dad was delirious with pain. He had fast working morphine tablets, but they didn’t touch the pain at all. It was terrible seeing him like that. Eventually I went to bed and I could hear my brother helping dad. My brother stayed up with dad all night long. Around 6am he went to sleep and I got up and helped my dad from the living room into bed. He still said he was feeling constipated, so I had to give him an enema…. He even said he was sorry. But seriously, sometimes you have to do what you have to do.  And then I had to help him from bed into the bathroom. And he was so weak. He fell onto the toilet and I’ve never heard such a whimpering sound uttered from my dad ever. It broke my heart.  Eventually the Home-Aid came and she got an ambulance for him, to take him back to the hospital for pain treatment. So, he came home from the hospital on Thursday and this is Friday. Going back to the hospital. The same guy who helped my father up the stairs came back and this time they put him in a chair and carried him. So my brother went with them and I was left scared and alone. And dad’s lady friend came by and we talked. And when she left I was left feeling more alone and scared…and I had a small breakdown. I couldn’t stop crying. Luckily, I think hubbies “Lene is distressed”-senses were tingling, because he called and he calmed me down. My brother came home and he said dad wasn’t in pain any more, that the pain treatment was working great. On Saturday I went to visit him, but he was sleeping the whole time. He was responding to touch and being talked to, so I hope he registered that I was there. After spending some hours with my dad I met up with mum and my brother down town and we had a much needed relaxation. Having a few drinks, trying to not be too depressed about things.  On Sunday the hospital called and said dad’s kidneys were shutting down. He hurried to the hospital and called me to get my ass there. While I was waiting for dad’s lady friend to come get me, I called hubby and told him what was happening.
I went to the hospital and came to dads room. He was… I don’t know.. He looked nothing like himself. My brother went out to have a smoke and I sat down and held my dad’s hand, talking softly to him, telling him we all loved him. My brother came back and dad’s lady friend left the room. And dad’s breaths became more erratic. And then he died.
When we got home I called hubby and told him the bad news. He was shocked. It happened so fast. In retrospect it was a good thing. He didn’t have to suffer any more.
I called the funeral place on Monday and they were amazing. I can’t tell you how wonderful they have been. Since my dad wasn’t a religious man at all, we decided to have a civil (?) funeral for him. It means that it’s not a priest spewing nonsense. They put me in touch with a guy from the Norwegian Humanist Association and he was, I think, the perfect guy to have the funeral.
It’s been a tough month for me. It’s been a tough month for everyone involved, I think. We started cleaning out the house, throwing things away that were old or in disrepair. He was a… I won’t say hoarder, because it wasn’t that bad. He had a lot of stuff. He did a lot of stuff. When he was competitively shooting, he made the club great. He put a lot of work into making a club magazine and stuff like that. So, in that regard, he had A LOT of paperwork lying around. He was in the home guard…and because of that he had  A LOT of paperwork. He was an avid TV-watcher, and he recoded A LOT of TV-series and so on, so he had A LOT of DVD’s. And he had inherited A LOT of stuff from other people. So yeah. A lot of stuff to sift through to see what’s safe to throw away and what needed to be shredded.
We almost finished the attic before we had to leave, hubby and I. So now my brother is at the house and it’s his job to empty out the house so we can sell it.
Hubby and I drove home yesterday. Nine and a half hours by car. I’m exhausted, and I know there is a lot to be done.

I still feel so guilty for not being able to help dad with his pain. I feel like it was our fault that he was pushed into going to he hospital and that. But logically I know that it wouldn’t have made that big a difference. He might have hung in there for a few more days, but it would have ended the same way. He cancer was spreading to his lunges and making it harder for him to breathe. Sometimes I hate that little voice speaking up. It’s very destructive.

Sorry for the lack of pictures, but I didn’t feel like putting up a lot of pictures of a dying man. So, here’s one of a very alive one. One that represented my dad perfectly.

I love you dad.

Lene

Mood: Pretty good
Listening to: Some murder documentary thing. For background noise while I type.

It has been a long time. And I have been doing things… like working, a little.. and visiting my dad. He’s still sick, so…and we don’t think he’ll ever get well from it. We just don’t know how long he’ll “last”. Could be 2 years.. could be 5 years or it could be 10 years. Personally, I’m hoping for 10 years.
But yeah. He is doing the treatment thing and living as best he can. And he’s stable at 84 kg after having plummeted to 70-something. He looks better and he feels better. But he still needs help because he’s still very tired. And that’s fine because I, for one, am happy to help. The only thing that’s an issue, and not really an issue, really… is the travelling. 7 hours on a train is boring. And I could have taken the plane, but my feet won’t like that, so I don’t. And it would be more expensive. Train rides are a mild inconvenience, seriously. I just need to stop bitching about it. Maybe soon I can drive over there =D
That would be cool. That way I could visit my mum whenever I wanted to.
I have to admit that I have enjoyed visiting them, though. Of course I have. Shopping with mum is like such fun… and I’ve gotten two jeans that I thought I’d never get. And it works out great because I’ve lost weight too. Hubby had been borrowing my belt because he keeps leaving his at work.. so, before I left last time I decided to put it on, because he got a new one… and it turns out that the belt is too big now. I’m not complaining! I need to make new holes. XD
And I finally got the boots I’ve been drooling all over since I saw them on Zalando.no.
I can’t wait to start wearing them. I’ve tried them on a few times and they are a little snug, but I’ll work with it… And I need new trainers. My Nike shox are worn and not doing too well… So I was thinking about these..

They are wedge, tho, so I don’t know if they would be great for work.. lol.
It matches the pattern on the inside of my coat.
And of course the Adidas Superstar Originals in black and in white. Max want!
But I need to try them on first, I think.
I’m also waiting for a hobo satchel/handbag I bought on ebay. It’s taking a REALLY long time, so I’m expecting it any day now.

I’m also doing some live streaming on twitch every now and then.. when I can…when hubby is working.
I got an Elgato, but it doesn’t want to work with the settings.. or my TV doesn’t want to work with the settings needed for the Elgato to work. It’s a bitch, honestly. I’ve gotten so many cool games now I can stream. Metal Gear, Silent Hill and more. I think my TV is too new. 😛
I think I’ve figured it out, but it can’t be… surely not. Do I really have to have the three plugs in the back to make the setting work? Seriously? *annoyed*
I’ll figure it out…eventually.

Anyway… heading to the store soon. Thinking I’ll make Goulash tomorrow for dinner. Today is Monday and fish day. I want salmon.

Be good to yourself and each other.

Lene

Mood: pretty good
Listening to: The Patch

Yes, it’s the 26th of December and Christmas eve has come and gone. I should have posted earlier, but I’ve been busy with visiting my dad and then getting Christmas into the house when I got home.
My dad is doing OK. He is still getting his treatment and he has good days and bad days. We’re still taking it one day at a time, not planning huge things ahead of time.
This time, when I visited home, I saw my aunt and uncle..and I haven’t seen them since my grandfathers funeral. It was nice to sit and chat with them because they are such a wonderful pair to talk to. This is aunt and uncle on my mothers side. I also saw my aunt and uncle on my dads side, and I haven’t seen them since last year.
Also, while I was at home, we celebrated Christmas with delicious food and gift opening. It was just my dad, my brother and I, but it was  just right.
So, I might as well write what I got.
Dad: Money. He knows me so well. XD I got an Elgato Game Capture so I can start streaming when I get it. I’ll do easy stuff at first.. like Minecraft, just until I get used to things. Then I’ll hit the harder games.. like Dark Souls and Silent Hill 2&3.
Brother: Lego Star Wars. We were really struggling to find things for each other. So, when we visited Platekompaniet (like Gamestop, I guess, but with more music), I found the game and was like *_* I WAAAAANT! and I gave him a CD.
Mother: Money. What can I say. She knows me. And since hubby got so many knives this Christmas, we need a knife block. I’m going to have a look for it on Monday before work.
Kids: Just Dance 2016. I was hoping for it, and they delivered. I’ll try it out tomorrow when hubby is at work. XD I haven’t been dancing for a long, long time, and I totally miss it and feel unhealthy because I haven’t.
Father in law: A roe deer.

Oh, but it lights up too…

I guess we’ll put it out….next year…somewhere…
Hubby and kids: A necklace. Sadly, the style isn’t quite me, so I’ll exchange it for something I’ll wear everyday.. I hope I’ll find a bracelet. I told him that I hoped he wouldn’t be mad at me if I did that, and explained that I’d rather have something I’d love to wear than have something I’ll never wear at all. I think he saw my point. 🙂 And if he didn’t I’ll thank him for the lovely present after I’ve exchanged it.  I mean, I did thank him already, but I thought about it, and I concluded that it wasn’t me. Faith, hope and charity is a little too Christian for me.
Bosslady: Lotion and shower gel. Was something with honey and lavender or something. Smelled nice.
Grandmother: Nothing yet. Will get it when I visit my dad again in January. I think it’s money, but it could be something else.

Anyway…
That’s about it. I can’t really think of anything else to… Oh, wait. I just thought about something. I went to the liquor store to get some Bacardi Strawberry Daiquiri for myself and the woman at the register asked for my ID. I showed to her and she said “oh, you’re well within the margin.”
I went to Sweden with some friends of mine, got a 3 liter carton of wine for myself and some wheat beer for hubby and I got carded again. She looked at the ID and went “Oh, but really… ” and then she said something I didn’t hear and then told the old guy behind me that she’d ask for his ID too, and we all laughed.
You had to be there….

I think that’s everything for now. I’m sure to upload again when I think of more.
It’ll probably be a Skyrim one. I’ve gotten a little farther on my PC one. I’ve entered a new land I can’t remember the name of.. but it’s not a nice place. There are things everywhere trying to kill you. But she’s strong, and she can take it…and I have codes. 🙂
But I do want to go back to Skyrim so that I can get going on the main quest…and then when I’ve done that maybe do the Companion one.. So that I can finally marry Farkas <3.

Merry Christmas, everyone. Be good to yourself and each other.
Lene