Mood: Pretty good
Listening to: Aavak playing Stardew Valley. I’m addicted to this game. It’s cute and funny and awesome.
Hey!
Again, it’s been a long time since I posted. And I KNOOOOW… I should get better at posting more often, but honestly, I don’t know what to write about. I mean, I could write what I’ve been hinting and teasing about. Oh, what the hell. I’m done with her anyway. It’ll be like a diary thing, posting dates from when things happened. It’ll be a long ass post, but yeah… commence cleansing.
10/7-2016 (this is when I started taking notes…which is why the dates later are all borked)
I have to write this while I remember it. I have mentioned it in my blog, but it’s a censured version. Later, when I have nothing to do with Liv any more, I’ll write the whole story. But for right now we might need her and it’s best to keep the peace. But I won’t write the full name (well, fuck. Oh well.. whatever)
I went back to Bergen on June 7th to help and aid my brother taking care of dad. A week before he got the news that the cancer had stopped responding to the chemo and that it was best to stop treatment and focus more about his well-being. It came as a slap in the face, putting it mildly. I had always hoped that it would take longer before this moment happened, but there it was. I also think dad had hoped he had longer. And I don’t know if he was all together honest with me when he told me about the cancer. But it’s also possible that I have supplanted a few things he told me…or just forgot. It was a heavy blow to learn that he had cancer when he told me, and it was a lot of information for my little head to take in. Anyway…
Tuesday the 7th of June I came home and was shocked to see how much he had changed from the last time I was home. He looked so frail. His hair was almost gone and all his muscles had melted away. And his voice was almost gone..and I think he knew it was nearing the end. He was very emotional and crying, and we comforted him as best we could. He also said he wanted me to have financial authorization of his accounts and such. (yay…. -_-)
We had dinner and dad had a little. After dinner we talked and suddenly he wanted to go to bed. After that my brother and I talked and he told me what he’s been through.. that he was exhausted from his illness and having to take care of dad and all that.
Wednesday 8/6
The Home nurse came and checked on dad. He said he was having major stomach pains and that he felt constipated. His GP also came, earlier agreement, and they agreed that dad would be sent to hospital to have the “plug” removed. So I got to ride in an Ambulance. And then I sat, in the waiting room, for three hours waiting for information, having to suffer through Norwegian soap… *shudder* Eventually I got to talk to dad as he came out of the bathroom… He was then wheeled into a four-man-room and he told me I could just go home. I asked him if he was sure and he said yeah. My brother had hit the town to unwind, so when I came home I was all alone. I had hoped to grab a burger or something, but there were no burger joint near the hospital. Luckily my brother said he’d bring me some. It was a good burger.
Thursday 9/6
Dad came home from the hospital. My brother went there to get him and they rode back in an ambulance, so he got to ride in one too… One of the ambulance drivers helped my dad up the stairs into bed. He was complaining about pain and he got a quick-working morphine. As the day went he moved from bed into the living room and for a second he was totally wasted, gesticulating wildly, and in that second I saw old dad. The one he was before the cancer and the pain. And it was like a knife through my heart, to know that he wouldn’t be there much longer.
He had such bad pains. The morphine didn’t help at all, and I don’t think he got any pain relief when he was at the hospital. My brother sat up with him most of the night.
Friday 10/6
I got up around 6am. Dad called me from the living room, wanting to go to the bathroom. I helped as best I could, but he had no energy. I helped him into the bathroom, closed the door and sat down on a chair in his bedroom, waiting. And then I heard him falling and a heart wrenching cry. I was so sure he was sprawled on the bathroom floor, but when I yanked the door open, he was on the toiled. Having no energy to ease onto the seat he simply smacked his bony butt down and yeah… hurt his ass.. I then helped him into bed and he said he had to give himself an enema. He tried, at least, but he couldn’t squeeze the tiny tube.. so I had to do it. He looked at me and said “I’m sorry, but you’ll have to do it”
Not one of my top things to do, but you gotta do what you gotta do, right?
Later the home nurse came and she told us that we were getting a toilet chair, a wheelchair, a shower chair and so on. And they got the whole responsibility for his medicine. Up until then my brother, who can do it, he was a nurse of sorts, had had the responsibility and he was happy to let them have it. She also called the head office, and it was decided that, since he was in such pain, they would send him back to hospital for pain treatment. My brother went with him, and I was alone again. There were things I wanted to take care of while they were away, cleaning floors, dusting and such. And since he had given me authorization, and we had talked about it when he was lucid, that I would transfer some money to me and my brother to make things easier for us after dad died… but the codes he had given me didn’t work. So I ended up using them too many times and shutting the bank site for me.
Liv was also came to visit. This was because I had told dad about the trouble I was having with getting into the bank, and he called her and told her to transfer money to us. She came by to ask about it, because if we were to borrow money from her, we had to agree on rates and so on. I told her that she didn’t have to lend us money, that I had some stashed away. And we talked about a lot of other things. She also bombarded me with information about what I had to do, what would happen and so on, none of which I remember now. But when she left I felt so scared and alone. And I had a small breakdown and I couldn’t stop crying. Everything seemed so hopeless and difficult. Luckily Jan called me and he calmed me down. “It’ll be fine. I’ll help you. You don’t have to worry about a thing.” I’m so glad he called. My guess is that his “Lene is distressed” senses were tingling.
My brother came home eventually and said that dad had gotten painkiller and he was totally wasted. Unfortunately he was put in a 4-man-room again, but at least he was getting treatment.
Saturday 11/6
I went to the hospital to visit dad. He was sleeping. I was there for a few hours. Crying. Reading. Talking to him, letting him know that I was there. He came to when the nurses took his temperature and stuff, and I think he registered me being there. At least I hope so. He also had a CT-scan of his stomach and he slept through everything. Eventually I decided to meet up with my brother and mom in town on Madam Felle at Bryggen. I almost managed to sit down before I started bawling. So, we spend the day talking, drinking, having a lovely dinner at China Palace and then we went to Bocca. A magnificent bar downtown Bergen…and the Drag Queens there were fucking fantastic.
During the evening the hospital called and informed us that dad was sleeping a lot and that it might be a sign that things were getting near the end. But my brother, who got the phone, didn’t get the impression that is was imminent. Eventually we went home.
Sunday 12/6
The hospital called and said dad’s kidneys were starting to fail. My brother got a ride from Liv to go to the hospital. I stayed at home and did more house stuff. I had put a load in when my brother called and said Liv was on the way to pick me up. Dad was very not good. As I was changing clothes I frantically called Jan and told him about what was happening. He was shocked. Liv came and had to take a break first before we went back to hospital. I told her that I had called Jan and that he had said he would be there the following Thursday and she said “Why?”. And I got annoyed.. Like.. whey the hell do you think? But I just said I wanted him there.
She then said that we should stop at an ATM and use dads card to take out money..and I asked how much and she answered “as much as you can.” I had dads card and a code, but I had no idea if the code was for the card. I said we could go to a gas station and see if it worked there. So, we stopped at a Shell station and I got us some sodas and I tried the card.. and it was the wrong code. So we had no other choice than to go to the hospital. We came up to the room and he was sleeping, taking very deep breaths and his eyes were half open. My brother went out to get some “fresh air” and I sat down and talked to dad, telling him we were there and that we loved him and so on. My brother came back and Liv left the room. My brother sat down a and held his left hand while I held dad’s right. We sat like that for about 20 min and his breathing became deeper, but longer and longer between each one. at 1pm he stopped breathing and died. I don’t know if I can call it peaceful, because it sounded so terrible hearing him fight for breath in a way and not getting it.
But that was it. It wasn’t the end we had hoped for him. He was going to become older than 64, he was supposed to travel the land, enjoying his RV. I guess Jan and I will have to do that for him now.
Liv came into the room and was shocked that he was gone. A short while later a nurse came in and went to get a doctor to confirm that he was indeed gone. There really wasn’t much we could do for him, so we went home. Liv drove us. On the way home she started telling us what we had to do and so on. Again, loads of information I don’t remember now because I had JUST LOST MY DAD!!! My brother told her, kindly, that we appreciated the information and thanked her for it, but now was not the time. She sat quiet for a minute, and then started up again, talking about meaningless things. I don’t think she can help it.
We got home and I called Jan. Poor thing was shocked that it happened so fast and sad that he wasn’t there to say goodbye. The rest of the day and night we listened to music and tried to keep out mood up. A tough job.
Monday 13/6
Planning the funeral started. I called Bergen og Omeng Begraveleses hjelp and they said they’d visit the next day. My brother started calling friend and colleges of our dad to tell them about his passing. They were all shocked. The funeral place put me in contact with a guy from Humane Ethics Federation, since we both agreed that we wanted a civil funeral for dad. He was never a religious person, and we wanted more focus on him than on God and Jesus.
Anyway, the guy I talked to seemed like a really nice guy on the phone. Mom came to us and stayed. She was shocked too, poor thing. She had planned on visiting him that Sunday, but she had gotten a cold so she decided not to. And we started to look around for things to throw away. We knew that none of us would be able to live in the house and that we’d have to empty it to sell it. That’s when we came across the love letters…from -92.. when mum and dad were still married. From what we read we found out why they got a divorce. Dad had cheated on mom. It was good, in a way, to find out why. And if didn’t change anything. It was so long ago, and we all make mistakes, have flaws and faults. We also found pictures of dad with his other old girlfriend. In the nude. It all went in the fireplace.
When I was young I found my dad’s porn stash in the attic. We found more porn/erotica in his closets. A LOT of DVD’s in the office..
It’s all natural and normal, so it’s not shocking…but it’s still not a side I wanted to know about dad.. hehehe.
But my god the amounts of papers he had. Home-guard, his gun club, banking things. A lot to go through and figure out what to throw out and what to shred. Men we decided not to start doing that until after the funeral. It was held at Mollendal Kapell at 12.30 on the 22/6
After the fineral, he was being cremated, we had a get together at a Yacht Club not far from where my dad lived. He had a buffet for 60 people, and I had to admit that I was scared when I saw how many people were at the chapel that we wouldn’t have enough food. But it went great. The food was delicious. We had chicken thighs, salmon, salads, fruits, meat patties. The dessert was a lemon fromage and a chocolate fromage, and they were divine.
I feel I’m jumping too far ahead.
The Funeral was beautiful. My brother and I wanted music by The Beatles since dad liked them so much. We decided on “Let it be”. I also wanted Gabriel’s Obo preformed by Yo Yo-ma. We also wanted “The show must go on” by Queen, but Liv absolutely wanted “Time to say goodbye”, which is the worlds largest cliché, but whatever. Before the funeral “Tir na noir”, “Blackbird” and one more played, and it was perfect. The funeral guy had a wonderful speech about dad, his life and his way of being. It was really tough, but Jan was there to hold my hand through it all. At the end of the ceremony the casket was lowered into the ground and we put roses on it. It’s one of the toughest things I’ve ever had to do.
After that we stood in the doorway and received condolences from the attendees.
(I feel I have to add here that on the friday, the day after Jan came, we went to IKEA to get a mattress for dads bed. The one that was on the bed was so sweated through by dad. He had terrible night sweats.
We spend one night in the tiniest double bed in the world in the basement, and it was no good for us. Right before we left for IKEA Liv called and “complained” that she wasn’t mentioned in the obituary in the newspaper. As far as I know friends (former girlfriends) go under “other family and friends”. If they had an actual relationship when dad died, other than she coming around to chew a hole in his head about the latest cancer treatment, then I’d mention her. But her neighbours had mentioned how odd it was that she hadn’t been mentioned. Why the hell should I care what the hell her neighbours think?? I don’t even care what my neighbours think! SO I got rather pissed off over the extra thing she put on me. I felt as if I could do nothing right. And my mom said she had never seen me that pissed off. Luckily my brother called the newspaper and had them put the obituary in again…with her name in it… but seriously. Really???
So, we got the mattress and slept well after that.
We also invited Liv over for dinner on the 19th of June. We had a pork rib with crackling in the freezer we needed to get rid of. She, Liv, was rather surprised and worried that mom was there. It makes me wonder how her family dynamic works. To us it’s natural to gather and share the sorrow, to make it easier for everyone to bare. But I also wonder what dad had said about mom… and if it was said in anger.
Anyway… after the dinner the unpleasantness started. Liv had found a bottle of Drambui and was spewing bile everywhere. Mostly towards mom. At one point she told her to shut the fuck up…at which point we all attacked her. You don’t tell any of us to shut the fuck up.
At one point the funeral guy called and asked about something, so I had to step away. When I came back my brother had told Liv about the love letter we found and that dad had been unfaithful. At which point she turns towards mom and seriously asks “What did you do to make him do that?” She kept making it seem like it was all mom’s fault that dad had cheated on her. As far as mom knew they had a great relationship.
And all this time she had tried to make me feel like an idiot, only to find out she’s fucking stupid.
Anyway.. she started throwing up and fell down on a potter plant…and threw up some more, passed out on the sofa..threw up some more… eventually my brother walked her home. None of them remembered much.
So..during the funeral and after it, for that matter, she kept to herself mostly, acting like a fucking queen. At least we had a good time. It was something my dad would have wanted, a good party. But not overly so. They were all telling us that the ceremony had been lovely and it pleased me so much. Liv told me that it had been nice… I guess that’s as good as I can get from her. She couldn’t even say “Oh, well done” when I told her that I just had released a book in English. She said “One should probably master ones own language before attempting a new one”. So, I don’t think she is capable of being pleased for anyone.
She claimed the reason why she got so drunk was because she didn’t drink too much, but we know different. And anyway… all in moderation. Especially when things are iffy. Don’t get drunk.
There is more coming, but right now I don’t have the time. I have work soon and I need a shower before I go.
But yeah. The juicy is yet to come, so stay tuned.
And! Above all else.. be good to yourself, and each other
Lene